Anxiety


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1. One

I woke up, at exactly 6:30 A.M. and started to get ready for school. I went to my closet and grabbed black skinny jeans and my MCR shirt. Right after, I went to my bathroom and did my makeup and hair. After I finished getting my backpack ready, it was 6:58. My bus came at 7:30. Even though I had a lot of extra time, all I ate was a granola bar that my mom made me eat. I don’t normally eat breakfast. Currently, it is 7:26 so I left to go to the bus stop. I took out my phone and listened to MCR for 3 minuets until my bus came.

When I got on the bus, to avoid social interaction, I sat in the front of the bus, where nobody wants to sit. “Hey, do you mind if I sit here?” Great. Somebody I’ve never even seen before wants to sit next to me. “Sure...”

She sits down next to me, and just stares at me. She is wearing blue leggings and a blue and black striped T-shirt . After about a minute, she finally stops staring at me and asks, ”What’s your name?” I don’t want anybody to sit next to me, much less talk to me. “Samantha, Sam for short.” “Cool! I’m Jen! Are you new here? I haven’t seen you before.” Shit. I just want to get to school without having my anxiety skyrocket. “Yeah, I moved here from Vermont.” Please. Stop. Talking. “I’ve never been there, what’s it like?” At that moment, it was 7:46 and I made it to school alive, at least. I ignored Jen’s last question, put away my phone, and got up. I started to walk into school, and she started to follow me. What the hell does that bitch want? I end up hiding in a crowd, just to get away from her. I go to my locker and get my stuff out for class, and shove the rest of my stuff in my locker. I walk to my home room, trying not to be noticed by anybody.

When I get into homeroom, I saw Jen in the front of the room, with an empty seat next to her, signaling me to come over and sit with her. No thank you. I’m gonna go in the back of the room AWAY from you. I pretend not to notice her and take a seat next to a guy with black, shoulder length hair, wearing all black, except his hat was a dark red beanie. On the other side of me, a girl wearing a shirt that says ‘I’m dead inside’ on it and black skinny jeans. I think I found my people.

I immediately start having doubts. What if they don’t talk to me? What if they don’t like me? What if they think I’m fat? What if they-

It’s 8:00 and the bell rang. The teacher walked into the room a minute later. “Sorry I’m late” she was tall, and blonde with streaks of black in her hair. “My name is Mrs. Lam.” She started writing her name on the whiteboard with a blue marker. Then, with a black marker, she drew a picture of a sheep. “Welcome to 7th grade math. Does anyone have any questions for me?” Someone raised their hand. “What’s your name and question?” “I’m Miles, and also, have you ever tried eating lamb?” “No, I’m a vegetarian. Okay, can anyone give me a better question than that.”

A few people raised their hand. Mrs. lam pointed at somebody sitting in the front next to Jen “Name and question?” They replied, “I’m Brittany and umm... why aren’t you vegan instead of vegetarian? It’s healthier.”

The rest of class was basically the same. Mrs. lam kept getting asked about being vegetarian. After the bell rang, I found a note on my desk. ‘Meat me in the library at lunch.’ The fact that they spelled ‘meet’ as ‘meat’ bothered me more than the fact that I don’t know who it came from. I don’t usually eat lunch, so I might as well go. I went to my third, fourth, and fifth period, so now it was lunchtime.

I went into the library, and there were the people I sat next to during first period. The girl signaled me to go over to the table they were sitting at. I nervously walked over to them and sat down in a chair next to them. I was trying my best to stay calm and act casual. “Hey I’m Amber,”She told me,” and this is Shawn.” She elbowed Shawn. “Sup. And your name is?” “I’m Samantha, Sam for short.” Amber smirked at Shawn. After a second she asked, “You like MCR right?” “How’d ya know?” OKAY THESE PEOPLE ARE OFFICIALLY THE ONLY FRIENDS I NEED. “Well, we’re either physic, or we just looked at your shirt,” he joked. I feel like an idiot. Of course it’s my shirt! I wear it all the time! They probably regret inviting me here. They think I’m stupid. I hate myself so much.

“Do you have a phone?” Amber asks. “Yeah, why?” “What’s your number?” She reached into her bag and pulled out a piece of paper and a pencil. “Can you write down your number for us?” Oh shit. Did I do something good? Are they just doing it ironically? Does somebody actually.. like me? “Sure” I wrote down my number, and the bell rang, so I had to leave. “Bye.” “I’ll text you later.”

Yes.

YES.

YES!

Is this a friend? Do they like me? I think they do at least. Wow, for once I don’t feel like a depressed piece of shit.

I finish school, and get on the bus to go home. This time Shawn sits next to me, but doesn’t talk at all. When I get back home, I go straight to my room, do homework, then get ready for bed even though it’s only 7:13. My phone vibrates. I was put in a group chat with Shawn and Amber.

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