01.28.2018

jumbled up thoughts after a recent breakup.

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1. the day you left me

January 28th, 2018. Our one year of being together. It was supposed to be a special day. The day we would be telling our children about. Grandchildren. The day we lasted. A milestone. The day we made it.

You said you didn't feel anything anymore. And you haven't said any form of "I love you" in over two months. I knew it was the end. I knew you didn't want to be with me anymore.

I remember that time where we did the Crota raid in Destiny on the 360. You carried me through the entire thing. But then before actually fighting Crota, you stopped. You tried to calm me down. Make me less anxious. Just talk to me, have a good time. You read me poems that you had wrote for this girl you loved. They were beautiful. And so calming. That was the moment I knew. The moment I fell for you. The moment I knew I was in love. The moment I saw a future.

She never truly loved you, did she. That girl you loved before me. You bought her 50 roses and she didn't really care. She didn't appreciate your poems. Or the nice cards you would give her. Or when you would look out your window just to see if her light was on. If she was okay.

You always were a jerk to me. I thought it was love. You would make mean jokes towards me. About me. Behind my back. You never trusted my judgements. Or my skills.

You would barely message me at the end. Leave me on read for days. Respond maybe twice a day occasionally. You would get grounded for having bad grades, but I never knew. If you got sick, you never told me. A mutual friend did. You never told me things that made you sad. Or things you were doing with your family on the weekend. I never got to know you like you did me.

You said you wanted to try. You wanted to stay together. Even though I don't think you loved me at the end. You didn't want to make me upset.

At the beginning, you didn't know how dating worked. You asked me out using a dibs analogy at 3 in the morning when I was extremely tired and just wanted to go to sleep.You created a "perks" system. You wanted to be called silly baking nicknames. I wanted you to use snapchat more.

We used to play minecraft a lot. I hated it but you loved it. You liked to teach me new things in the game. You liked to show off your knowledge. You liked to spend time together. Just you and I.

We used to laugh so much together. Have so much fun.

Two weeks later, you still message me. You message me more now that we aren't together than when we were. You message me multiple times a day. Asking how I am. What I'm doing. If I'm playing games or talking with anyone. You ask me if I want you out of my life. You want me to tell you just to buzz off. You want me to hurt you even more just so you can experience the sadness.

I remember when we used to spend every day together. We would play Overwatch on xbox. You'd be Genji, I'd be Mercy. And you would play Frank Sinatra songs in the background. I never told you, but those were my favorite moments. I cherished them so much. I can't listen to his music anymore. It hurts me. Brings me pain. I think of all the good times we had with those songs playing. It just makes me sad now.

We used to have silly little fights over who liked Destiny more. I had more game time, you had more knowledge. You knew all the lore. All the in-game combos. All the OP weapons. Best armor pieces. I just played because I simply enjoyed it. We had a competition on who would have the highest grimoire. I won. You got close, but not close enough. I wish you had won. You're so competitive. I don't like to make you unhappy.

You used to get mad at me a lot. I did something you didn't like. Or were friends with people you didn't like. You tried to be controlling. Manipulative. You tried to get me away from my friends. I liked them. You filled my head with bad ideas of them. They're still my friends. I still like them.

I opened up to you one day about my first love. All that he did to me. How he broke me. Used me. You made jokes. You laughed. You did exactly what he did to me. And I'm sure you knew what you were doing. You have a great memory. You remembered.

 

January 28th, 2018. Our one year together. You told me you didn't feel anything anymore. You didn't care that it was our one year. "Whatever," you said. You left me. You broke me. Yet, you're still somehow making it worse for me. Please. Stop hurting me.

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