The Night Before Christmas in Joisey

This is humor poem of "Vito Claus", Santa's Italian Half Brother who helps put presents in New Joisey, because Santa is afraid to go there, He has fear of the Mob putting a Hit on him because they were NAUGHTY and might get a lump of Coal in their stockings...Getting them mad at him... Plus the fact he wears red making him an easy target... Doesn't help...


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1. Vito Claus in Joisey!

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the flat

Not a creature was stirring, not even a rat;

The stockings were hung by the radiator with care,

In hopes that Vito Claus soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of Italian sausage danced in their heads;

And mamma in her nightgown, and I in my thong,

Had just settled down smoking a big fat bong,

When out on the alley there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the blanket and threw open the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to the trashcans below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a trans-am, and eight Italians standing dere,

With a young driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be Vito Claus.

More rapid than eagles his hitmen they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Knuckles! Now, Fingers! Now, Gweto and Tony!

On, Mo! On Vinnie! On, Alvin and Benny!

To the top of the fire-escape! To the top of the wall!

Now climb away! climb away! climb away all!"

As quick as a flash before the wind blew,

They flew up the stairs with tools in hand,

Breaking and entering their remarkable plan,

With the sack full of toys, boosted from Sears, oh what a man.

I heard on the roof thumping and footsteps.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Vito Claus came with a bound.

He was dressed in cheap silk, from his head to foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a joint he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a narrow face and a thin little belly,

That was muscular, and rippled when he laughed

He was built and strong, a right jolly old Italian Elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, through the window he rose,

He sprang to the street to his trans-am, without a care,

And here he whistled to call them from there

His hit man gathered at the car to pile inside

And as he drove out of sight I heard his exclaim with a shout

"Happy Christmas to all, and yo yo yo  y’all have a good-night."

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