Tear Drops

Third release of my FEUD ERA.

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1. I dont know how to start....

This is my third public appearance on movellas. I have made a huge hit with my first novella, FEUD, and my second debut with my close friends is called TRUE COLOURS. I should feel proud about everything- but I dont. I feel empty, worthless and just feel like crap really. My family says I'm selfish. I have loving friends, a caring family and loads of happy memories- but I'm miserable. People just dont understand- right now I feel like tearing up on this keyboard because thats how shit everything has turned out. Everyone says I'm not grateful. That I am making it a bigger deal than it actually is. That I just want attention. But I know that no matter how hard I try to describe my life, no one will fully understand.

This is actually for me. I started this so that I can trap all my feelings in one space where only I can access it. A place where my everything is written down on this blank screen- making the truth undeniable and real. But I want people now to know that they are not the only ones struggling, because there is a teenage boy who knows exactly what it's like. So this is going to be published as my third debut on movellas and here it goes...

Sometimes when I see Hamza walking along with his new 'friends' I feel jealous. There. I admit it. He has friends who his parents dont judge, and its not fair that I'm struggling. Whenever I see him, I feel like throwing my arms around him and saying sorry for falling-out with him and for everything else that I ever did. But I dont. I feel like my arms are better placed around Haris, someone who will always be my best friend. We were so close, we were like brothers. I felt appreciated with Haris. I remember our laughs, hugs and even our arguments had a happy ending- unlike my life. I remember Hamza's hugs as well, but after we fell out, we have been making each other's lives hard. He did not even have to try. I was broken from  the start. Most people dont realise it though because behind my smile I hide my tears, protests and outbursts. Its just not fucking fair. I know that there is no point in making amends with Hamza because our friendship was always on and off, and I know that in all absoluteness there is no point in holding onto Haris, because he is gone now because of my parents who judged him to bits. I cried myself to sleep every night because of it. I cried for my childhood and friendship, torn and tattered made out of bits I no longer understood. My mind said that Haris was bad, and he is bad. He swears, he is too rebellious and his older brother smokes. My heart told me otherwise: He loved me like a brother, he was kind and generous. Whenever I felt down, he would hug me so tight that all my broken pieces would fix back together. Thats all gone now. My parents havent even met him- thats the most piss-taking thing of all. They moved me to another mosque because they thought I was getting influenced. Actually, my behavior change was a protest that I had enough of their judgments and the family arguments and all the bull shit they were saying about him. I vowed with all my heart that I would hate the new mosque to bits. And I do. My mum thinks everyone is so well behaved there, well if she stepped in that motherfucking place, she'd change her mind. The same way she would meet Haris and apologies to me and mostly him, and she would mean it and hug me as I would flood out my tears that make no sound but say everything. Only if that actually happens. Haris and I only manage communicate on snapchat. I always send him messages, and he does not reply. I feel like he thinks our friendship was just a waste of time, and I get angry at him and send him offensive messages that I instantly regret. He replies then : Love you and always there for you xx.    That hits me hard. He understands me and what I'm going through. Im crying right now. Why cant my parents accept him for who he is not for who they think he should be. 

 

As much as I love Haris, it would be unfair of me to say I dont love Hafsah the same. I'm so lucky we are still close friends and that she is in school so my parents cant judge her. She is like a sister to me. We have known each other since nursery and now we are in year 9 so we have a long experienced friendship. School is the most annoying place I have known though. Rumors of a 'Hafsah and Amaan' romance have grasped hold of people's minds and people these days are a little too sexist saying ' If a boy is friends with a girl- they have a romantic relationship'. Well, tell me this shit, 'If a boy is friends with a boy, they have a romantic relationship'. It makes no sense. Hafsah and I have got good minds though, to brush it off, but it is persistently up the chase right now. My biggest fear in school is that Hafsah will get too pissed off and end up ditching me to avoid the rumors. I already have lost Haris, and I wont heal from that, but to lose another close friend is beyond my comprehension...

 

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