Patience

Good things come to those who wait.
This too shall pass
No baby can ever replace another, every single baby is unique and precious, some are born and others aren't, any child that is born following a child that died isn't a replacement, they are just a longed for sibling and a gift to their family

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5. Miscarriage

Lana’s POV

I get to Dr. Nichol’s office and walk right in. She’s sitting at her desk waiting for me. She’s already pulled my file out of her filing cabinet. I sit down and don’t say anything.

“What’s wrong Lana?”

“I’m pregnant again.”

“Oh…so you want to review your file?”

“And make a few changes.”

“Okay…let’s begin. Well you begin. We’ll rewrite your file.”

“Five years ago, I married Alfredo Diblasio in a private ceremony in Vancouver. We flew my family and my friends in for the wedding. My best friend and ‘sister’ Rebecca and her husband Marcus were there. Rebecca and I used to always have this special bond then she died. Two years into our marriage I got pregnant for the first time. Right before we were going to go in to tell the gender I miscarried.”

“May I?”

“Yes.”

“You were afraid to conceive again. So, a year after your miscarriage you discovered you were pregnant again. This time your fear was overwhelming. You went in and thought everything was going so smooth then you miscarried. After your miscarriage, your best friend Rebecca stepped in to be a surrogate. She called you one day saying she was coming over and had some good news. You don’t know what that news was?”

“She was pregnant with Fred and my third child. The very next day after she died I discovered to be pregnant for a third time but it was our fourth child. As usual I miscarried now I’m pregnant again and I fear that if I lose another child…I won’t live.”

“These feelings are normal. You might be having to go through this because the Lord wants to prove to you that everything happens for a reason and things come on their own. You’ve stated that seven is your lucky number. I’m not trying to be blunt but maybe baby number seven is the baby that will be the princess you and Fred have been expecting for a few years.”

“If we miscarry again…we’ll try surrogacy a second time. If the surrogacy fails Fred and I plan to adopt.”

“What if adoption fails?”

“Then we weren’t meant to be parents.”

“May I ask when your first miscarriage was?”

“We got married in 2020. Our first pregnancy was in 2022, our second was in 2023, our third and fourth in 2024. This is our fifth and it’s 2025. It takes a year to find a surrogate so 2026 when we’ll get one. If that fails than 2027 might be the year we get pregnant again and 2030 might be when we finally adopt.”

“Good things come to those you have patience. You must have patience.”

“Thank you Dr. Nicol.”

“My pleasure. See you next week.”

“No when needed. I’ll call beforehand.”

“Always here when you need me.”

I head home and pull into the driveway. My dear husband is waiting for me. I get out of the car and he lifts me into his strong arms. We walk into the house and right into the living room. On the couch, we make love. He strokes my back and I run my fingers through his hair as he kisses me. He then caresses my shoulders and my back. Finally, it’s over and I run upstairs to take a shower.

I get out of the shower and start drying off when I feel something on my leg. I look down and see blood. I shout and scream and cry and I already know what happened. Fred comes running in as I fall to the floor and sob. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to say a single solitary word.

“Lana, look at me. You need to look at me.”

“Why? Why me? Why again?”

“It could be something else other than a miscarriage. We need to get you to the hospital. We need to call Dr. Elliot. Can you stay here while I call?”

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m never going to have a baby.”

“Lana, stay calm. Get dressed and we’ll go.”

Tears are streaming down Fred’s face as we drive to the hospital. We walk in and Dr. Elliot’s already there. She pulls us into an exam room and closes the curtains. She starts running tests and talking.

“Explain what happened before the blood.”

“Lana went to the therapists to discuss things. When, she got home we had intercourse. She went upstairs to take a shower and when she was done showering that’s when she found the blood.”

“I can tell you one thing…this wasn’t brought on by intercourse. The intercourse just made the dead cells come out sooner. Lana miscarried two or three days ago. My condolences. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, will you find us a surrogate?”

“Lana, you’re not in the right mind to be thinking about that.”

“Fred we discussed this back when I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago. If this pregnancy failed we would get a surrogate as soon as I miscarry.”

Tears stream down my face as we ride home in silence. Dr. Elliot would fax over surrogate agencies as soon as possible. Fred leads me into the house and carries me upstairs to the bedroom. When he leaves, I cry into my pillow and scream as loud as I can. Four failed pregnancies and five children lost. By now I should be used to miscarrying but the pain remains. It’s a dull pain that eats away at your soul and nibbles at your heart. It’s a pain that by now I could’ve gotten used too. The year 2025 and the year I lose my fifth child. 

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