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  • Published: 28 Sep 2017
  • Updated: 8 Nov 2017
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Good things come to those who wait.
This too shall pass
No baby can ever replace another, every single baby is unique and precious, some are born and others aren't, any child that is born following a child that died isn't a replacement, they are just a longed for sibling and a gift to their family


16. Anxiety

Fred’s POV

We get home and Lana runs into the house. I unload the cooler from the car and start packing them in the freezer when I get inside. Lana comes into the kitchen, leans against the doorframe and smiles. I close the freezer and stand up. I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her. She stands on her toes and kisses me. I lean over and let her stand back on her own two feet.

I pick her up and carry her upstairs. We stop by the nursery and we just stand staring at everything.

“Fred, what happened to the present you promised me two years ago?”

“It’s still in the nursery.”

“Where? I’ve cleaned this room a thousand times since then. Finally, a baby is going to be in here. Six little ones should’ve slept in this cradle.”

“But the seventh one will.”

“Where’s the present? I bet it’s ruined. It’s two years old.”

“It’s been hiding since your first pregnancy.”

“You just now told me two years ago?”

“I can’t believe you remembered.”

“Where is it?”

“Close your eyes.”

She closes her eyes and I walk over to the wall. When I first decided to decorate the nursery with pink décor, I made a little safe in the wall behind a painting. I now remove the painting and open the safe. I pull out a red velvet box and put everything back in place. I get down on one knee and open the box.

“You can open your eyes now.”

She opens her eyes and squeals.

“Fred it’s beautiful. What is it?”

“It’s a necklace. I found it two years ago and thought it was so unique because it was a rainbow. Now it fits because this is our seventh child. It’s a rainbow with a heart cut out.”

“It’s beautiful. I love it and I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I stand up and take the necklace out of the box. Lana lifts her hair up so I can fasten the clasp. I fasten it and wrap my arms around her. We just stand in silence in the middle of the pink nursery that had been empty for five years. In seven months, it would be empty no longer. In seven months, Lana would no longer be sad because she didn’t have any children. We were parents without anything to parent and to me that’s the worst curse imaginable.

“Just think Lana, in seven months this room won’t be empty anymore.”

“In seven months.”

Two weeks later…

We get home from the doctor’s office and Lana runs upstairs. I follow her and find her sitting on the floor in the nursery. She’s hugging a pink stuffed bunny and crying. I walk in, sit down and wrap my arms around her. She just sits there and cries.

“Why are you crying? You heard Dr. Elliot, your fourteen weeks pregnant and everything is perfect. You don’t even need the hormone shots anymore.”

“Yeah, everything’s perfect for now. What if something goes wrong?”

“If something goes wrong we’ll keep trying until this nursery has a little baby waking up in the middle of the night wanting its mommy.”

“No Fred, if I miscarry another baby then I’m done. I won’t try anymore. What if we’re just not meant to be parents?”

“We are parents because we did have one child who was born.”

“She was born dead. Fred, I’m scared. I’m afraid that I’ll lose this one too.”

“I’m scared too Lana. I’m afraid that if you do miscarry I’ll lose you forever. Every time you miscarry, all four times and when Hope wasn’t alive and when you found out that Bex was pregnant you’re not the same. I’m afraid that if you miscarry I’ll lose you forever.”

“You won’t lose me. I’m not going anywhere.”

Lana and I sit on the floor for a few more minutes. Finally, she gets up, puts the stuffed bunny back in the crib and goes downstairs. I retreat to my office. I hear her a few minutes later pulling out pans, opening cabinets and the fridge. Mixing things around and probably cooking dinner.


I go downstairs and into the dining room. Candles, wine glasses with wine, two plates of fettuccini alfredo with chicken.

“You made alfredo?”
“Yes Alfredo Diblasio, I made alfredo with chicken.”

“Should’ve made alfredo on the parrilla.”

 “ALFREDO DIBLASIO. I’m a Diblasio now. I’m not making pasta on the grill.”

I stand behind her and kiss her cheek. She smiles as she turns around and kisses me.

“What’s the harm in a little food humor? You know I would rather eat- out.”


She throws a roll at me and I catch it. I put butter on it then throw it back at her. She puts pasta sauce on it and throws it at me. She laughs when I eat the roll.

“I love you Lana Maria Parrilla Diblasio. I love you and I love our little bundle of joy that’s due in 26 weeks.”

“What if she comes early?”

“She? We don’t know the gender yet.”

“What if it comes early?”

“We’ll have more time to love it before it goes to college.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself. We have eighteen years and seven months. Don’t rush it.”

“I’m not trying too. I just can’t wait.”

“I can’t wait either. I want this thing out of me.”

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