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3. the force of storms' Paper Forests

 

 

Prologue:

 

- (P1-4) Wow, talk about an emotional set up. The topic you've picked is very interesting, and you've done a very good job with the characters I've seen so far. I really like how you tell the reader the little details concerning the characters' appearances - it makes them feel so much more real, and it does a really good job of bringing the reader close to the characters. 

- (P8) The first line of this is so beautiful. Just wanted to tell you that.

 

Grammatical Errors:

- (P6,L1) "'He overdosed on heroin a few days ago and the doctors aren't sure if he's going to make it.'" -> 'He overdoes on heroin a few days ago, and the doctors aren't sure if he's going to make it.' [You just need a comma in between the two independent clauses.] 

- (P7,L2) "'We're praying for the best but it isn't looking promising.'" -> 'We're praying for the best, but it isn't looking promising.' [Same reasoning as above]

- (P8,L1) "A few tears leak out of her eyes and she sinks back into her chair, not uttering another word for the rest of the session." ->  A few tears leak out of her eyes, and she sinks back into her chair, not uttering another word for the rest of the session.  [Same reasoning as above]

 

In general I think this chapter does an excellent job of setting up the tone of the story. In terms of grammar, there was nothing that I noticed on the first read through or disrupted the flow of my reading, so there's nothing to really worry about there. I also really like your writing style (as I've probably said to you before) - it really makes everything that much more engaging. I can't think of very much to improve upon. I noticed that often you say a simple sentence (the counselor steps in) and then have a comma followed by another phrase explaining how the verb was performed/providing additional information (, sensing that the adults are becoming too distraught or too uncomfortable to continue). There's nothing inherently wrong with that as I think it's just part of the way you write, but I wanted to bring it to your attention just in case. 

 

 

Chapter One:

 

- (P1) The imagery is done very well here, and you've done a good job of using all of the senses and orienting the reader. 

- (P5) Really throughout this chapter, but in this sentence in particular, I can tell that you are a master of "showing, not telling," as English teachers like to call it. You develop who the character is and what their situation is without making it painfully obvious. 

- Having Oliver meet and explain what's going on with Ansel is an amazing way of explaining what's going on to the reader as well. Though it's still mysterious. Which only makes me want to keep reading further. 

-OOOH! This is the paper forest the counselor was talking about. Yup, just got that. Oh, that's good. I like that idea so much 

- Nice allusion to Hansel and Gretel there. That works really well with the story. 

 

Grammatical Errors

- (P2, L5) "As much as I want to wake one up, I walk through the trees instead, noting down the details of my surroundings so I can find my way back to where they rest." -> As much as I want o wake one up, I walk through the trees instead, noting down the details of my surroundingsso I can find my way back to where they rest. [Missing comma between independent clauses]

- (P21, L3) "There must be a way of figuring out where we are, and how we can escape." -> There must be a way of figuring out where we are and how we can escape. [You don't need a comma here]

- (P25, L1) "Her palms are cold and slightly sticky and I resist the urge to pull away." -> Her palms are cold and slightly sticky, and I resist the urge to pull away. [You're missing commas between independent clauses]

 

I am really in love with the concept you've created. I'm almost getting Maze Runner vibes but so much better. I'm really interested to see what exactly he conflict will be and how the relationships between the characters you've already established will work. I can't think of much criticism. You've done everything pretty perfectly. So, I"m gonna get back to reading the rest of this, and I wish you luck with your writing (:

 

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