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2. Le Fox's All The Words For Red




Everything seems to be fine in this department. Lilly Allen did a really great job on the cover, and the little summery reads well and seems rather professional. The only thing that I noticed was that you misspelled metal in "as mrtal attracts, well, magnets". But that's the only thing (:



Chapter One - Blush:


- (P1) I really like the first paragraph of this. You set up the character's name and a little bit about her right off the bat, and none of it comes off as too forced. Plus, I relate to Red's sentiment. 

- (P2) I don't mean to go paragraph by paragraph, but I'm seeing things to talk about in each one. Then, I see you go on to describe her situation, and it's not a stereotypical one for the new kid on the block sort of story, so I really appreciated that. I've absolutely been in a school like that, where's everyone's friends, as you put it. 

- (P3) I love the metaphor that she's the awkward cousin from another planet in all of this - very clever.

- (P6) And then there's a great simile at the end of this paragraph concerning one of the twin's laugh. I guess I just really like your writing style. 

- (P7-13) Okay, and throughout this chapter you seem to be driving home the sameness of the people at this school, and you do a really great job of it. You also continue to develop Red's tone which I'm really enjoying and sympathizing with. 

- And can I just say that your conversation between Red and Autumn's Girls flows really well? It seems very realistic. I was a little thrown back by all of the character introductions all at once, but I'll probably get them straight in my head as the story goes along. 

- Yup, and Red's interaction with Tony also reads very realistically. I'm starting to get more and more uneasy about how all of the people at this school are acting also. "'I um... I like the Black Death?'" is the perfect response to him and made a smile cross my face. 

- The phrase, "the new girl" over and over again really drives home Red's annoyance and makes the reader feel that too (in the best way possible).

- Again, I'm getting a tad of character overload, but this may very well work to your advantage/be on purpose as I suppose that's how Red's feeling right then as well. 


Okay, so for the chapter in general...

I really like how all the characters seem to be their own people, and they all have different personalities and little quirks in their speech. A dance is absolutely the best setting for what you're trying to achieve. Speaking of personality, Red has a lot of it. As a character, she feels extremely well thought out, and she is a likable and relatable character.... I have no doubts about that.  I mean, the main the you asked about were characters, and I think you are more than set in that department. And everything else seems pretty perfect too, including all the grammar stuff. Very well done, and I wish you luck with your writing (:



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