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4. Dani B.C.D's The Girl with the Dark Red Hair

 

 

Blurb/Cover/Other:

 

The cover looks stunning, and I think it goes along well with the store. In terms of the blurb itself, it has some grammatical/spelling issues. Instead, it should probably read something like this: "No one can forget the girl with the red hair who brought adventure and danger everywhere she want. "Sammy," she whispered to me. My and touched her cheek it was just a kiss... except she wasn't just another girl." (Btw that last line is pretty amazing.) Otherwise, everything look very good, and the title, might I add, is rather intriguing. 

 

 

Introduction:

 

Grammatical Errors:

(P1, L2) "Inside of me I heard the voice in my head saying "stop her" but I couldn't move, I couldn't save her" -> I head the voice in my head saying, "Stop her!" But I couldn't move; I couldn't save her. OR Inside of me, I heard a voice saying, "Stop her!" But I couldn't move; I couldn't save her. ['Inside of me' and 'in my head' seem a little repetitive to me, so that's just a personal choice. However, if you have a prepositional clause (like telling the reader where something is) you need a comma, so that's what you see in the second option. The stuff around the dialogue is just some technical things that make it more grammatically sensical, and you need semicolon because those two phrases could stand on their own. I'm a grammar nerd, in case you couldn't tell XD ]

(P1, L3) "I looked down at the thick metal chains that held me to this tree, as I'm forced to see everything that ever mattered to me be taken away." -> I looked down at the thick metal chains that held me to this tree as I'm forced to see everything that ever mattered to me be taken away. [You don't need a comma there because 'as' functions in the same was as 'because.']

(P1, L4) "She reached the edge of the cliff and she turned around to face me." -> She reached the edge of the cliff, and she turned around to face me. [You need a comma here to seperate the two independent phrases]

 

Ah, I always like it when books start this way. It kind of orients the reader, so they know what the story is going to be like and what the point of the story is, in a way. Other than that, your description here is really good and just... powerful.

 

 

Chapter One

- (P1) Ah, this is a really cool way to set up a story. I feel like telling the reader something rather specific about the character and setting them right into the action is a really good way of keeping the reader engaged, and you do it really well. Already this character isn't overly stereotypical and definitely has a sense of humor, and I'm wondering how they're going to fit into the plot. I also liked how you introduced Jax's character and a little bit of their history (awesome name by the way). 

- "Not that it's a race of anything, but it's a race." Perfect line XD

- (P3-4) Some people would say the world stops and they main character notices the love interest and describes them in detail is a cliche. I am not one of those people. Your physical description is done really nicely, and I can tell you really have a picture of this girl in your head. 

-(P5) This is a really interesting way to set up her character because from her first line alone, I'm sort of set up to not like her or at least to know that she has this really strong personality. Or is trying to hide something. 

- (P8) Not sure if this counts as grammar, but you need to break the dialogue up here. Sure, you could be making a stylistic choice, and that's fine but the general idea is to start a new line whenever there's a new speaker. It helps the reader pick out the conversation a lil easier. 

- "God, what the hell just happened." Yup, that's the perfect way to sum up this chapter. More interesting setup. It's certainly mysterious, which I'm liking a whole lot. You've got me wanting to read more, and I plan on it.   

 

Grammatical Errors

(P1, L2) "Computer programming hands down is my favorite subject and I'm easily the best in the class, though I don't do anything illegal ~ most of the time." -> Computer programming hands down is my favorite subject, and I'm easily the best in the class even though I don't do anything illegal  - most of the time. OR Computer programming hands down is my favorite subject, and I'm easily the best in the class even though I don't do anything illegal. Most of the time. [You certainly need the first comma for the two independent clauses, and It think saying 'even though' sounds a tad better, but that's a me thing. And with the two versions... the first is technically correct, but I like bending the rules with the second way as well] 

 

In general, I think you've got a really good thing going here and a really great idea. I'd just recommend trying to break stereotypes and archetypes surrounding this genre, like keeping your character mysterious in her own ways and always adding little quirks to everyone's character (which you start off doing great, what with the computer programming. I wish you luck with your writing!

 

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