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5. BadassJem's Bloodsuckers





First off, I'm really fond of your cover, and the color scheme for it. It looks very professional and is just pleasing to look at. The blurb is really well written and has a nice little flow to it. I'm already wondering what has happened to this character and how it ties in with the title and the cover. You've already got me wanting to read more. Oh, and there wasn't anything wrong grammatically in the blurb either. 



Chapter One -  Out with the Trash:


(P1) "When Scotty Pruitt woke up, several things didn't feel quite right." Ah, very nice opening line. 

(P2) When he rolled onto his back, a million needles dug into his eyes, and the leg he'd been sleeping on bent back into its natural position with a CRACK and a phut and a whole fucking lot of agonizing pain. In face, come to think to think of it, every muscle in his body was screaming in agonizing pain. [Here, I think it makes sense to add a second agonizing in there just so everything matches up. There's nothing inherently wrong with these couple sentences, which in face describe Scotty's pain really well, but I think adding that in there makes it sound better. It's up to you].

(P3) "This was the worst hangover of his life" I'd say. XD

(P6-7) "Yeah, no. He hadn't made it home after all. Scotty Pruit had fallen asleep in a skip." Oh god, it's worse than I though, and I was already thinking Scotty was pretty bad off. Also, poor American me had never heard of a skip in their entire life and had to consult Urban Dictionary XD

(P12) "His memories were like spiders - motionless, seemingly grabbable, until he made a move, when they'd scuttle away and vanish." Great simile. 

(P17) He must have fallen asleep on a broken bottle, then. Yeah." Mmmmmmmhm, I don't think so, Scotty. 

(P31) "Scotty blinked, then looked up at the number on the door. 28. Oh shit. He'd knocked on the wrong door. He lived at number 36." Oh God, holy embarrassment. Starting to really feel bad for this dude. 

(P36) "As his brain took a nosedive into hungover nightmares, he felt the last memories - the blood seeping all over his neck and the girl with the purple eyes - vanishing like mist in the wind." Ah that's a pretty amazing last line to a chapter. It both makes me want to go on and has a sort of resolution to all of the crazy this chapter had. 


Grammatical Errors:

(P4, L1) "Scotty sat up, rubbing the last crusts of sleep from his eyelids, and felt himself sink a few inches." -> Scotty sat up, rubbing the last crusts of sleep from his eyelids and felt himself sink a few inches. [You don't need the second comma because the last phrase isn't independent.]


Ah, I've really enjoyed reading the opening to us. You seem to be taking your own route with the vampire story. It's also really interesting that the reader has more than likely realized that Scotty's been bitten by a vampire, but of course Scotty hasn't thought about that yet. That's just a really intriguing tact to take, and it definitely keeps the reader, well, reading. 

Other than that, I can really see your individual writing style, and I really enjoyed parts of your dialect coming through and making it a really cool read for me in particular. I just feel like you've gotten to the point that your writing comes alive and reads like someone is saying is aloud. 

Both your physical and emotional description were spot on. You did a lot of "showing and not telling," as English teachers like to say, with exception to his looking into the mirror and describing his features. But even that had its own twist to it because I was wondering the whole time exactly why his features looked just a little bit off. 



Chapter Two - Bloody Hell:


[I'm not going to do a blow by blow for this chapter, but I did want to go ahead and give you my general reaction:]

I wasn't really expecting to get a flashback of sorts this early on, but I did like having a little bit more information of what happened to Scotty last night. That night certainly wasn't a peaceful one - you did a really good job of getting into his thoughts about being nervous in the third paragraph while simultaneously telling the reader that some disappearances have been happening. I feel like that's going to be pretty important to the plot. 

OH! Is that why the cover is purple? Because her eyes are purple? Because that's awesome. And you've really gotten me interested in this probably vampire with purple eyes. It'll be interesting to see if she shows up in the story again. 

God, and your description of he cuts and blood and such was spot on. Had me grimacing at my computer screen. 

And you end this chapter really well too. I think I like this chapter even better. You're really getting the story on a roll, and you've really gotten me hooked. This is truly amazing.

I wish you luck with your writing! 









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