Life Update

Not everything is as it seems...

Come check me out in "Life Update" where I bring you along the Journey of my life!

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2. I'm a bully...

 

 

 

Hey, it's Al.

So just as the title says...  

I'm a bully.

 

Okay lol, hand claps for that dramatic ass intro, am I right?

 

So I've come to the conclusion that I'm a bully and not in school. I bully my family is what I noticed. Well, actually my stepdad told me so. I just took it as a joke you know? well, today I snapped at my brother again and it wasn't necessary, and I know most of you are gonna be like "lol that isn't bullying" when really if you saw how I treated my brother, you'd punch the crap out of me. I know there is no excuse for treating my 12-year-old brother like that but Idk man, I'm going through some stuff that I didn't even know was in me. I'm such a mean person and I am constantly hearing that when it comes to family. Not all my family, just my general, who I live with, family. I am so horrible to my mom and I use everything she does against her. She smiles too much and I can't stand her, she is sad, and I can't stand her, she's mad, and I really cannot stand her and I think I take the anger I have for her out on my brother. Yeah I get it when he pisses me off I snap but it's when he does nothing wrong and I hurt his feelings for no reason is when I know there is a problem. It's just he annoys the football out of me and I just go off. See, my brother is really really sensitive and he may not admit it but he cares A LOT about what people think of him. I hate that. I hate having a sibling who cries for everything someone says to them. I can't take sensitive people seriously because, uh, It bothers me SO MUCH for some reason. I always wanted the best for ALL my siblings and I still do but for him, I treat him like that because I want him to grow a pair and not how I did. But I see I was training him wrong as a child ( yes I was as mean as this to him ever SINCE he was born, I asked my mom) because now he has an attitude and he's rude. I can't help to think that some of it as my fault though. He has anger-issues which I do not think is from me. Like really bad anger issues. He almost smacked me with a chair the other day. Like he picked it up and- never mind but I am trying to get better though. I didn't drop that boy on his neck so points for me. Yet, I still just Idk Idk idk. Oh, and my mother, you see, it's my mother and my little brother who just bother me the most & it's not like I hate her or anything. I love my mother, more than life, more than anything, but omg she knows every single nerve to tap. She doesn't do it on purpose but everything she says to me annoys me. A lady at my church told me this once, she said "I need to let go of the hatred I have for my mother", but I had no idea at the time what she was talking about. I just get so annoyed, and then anytime I say something the least bit rude or disrespectful to my little brother, It's like omg go save the ANGEL, and the other day she did it in front of our guests and stared at me in the face while she was holding him. I don't know if you know how much that freaking hurts, especially since when I was depressed and going to therapy and things like that, she wasn't there for me. She didn't want to be there. I get that it hurts her to see her daughter like that but sometimes you know a child really needs their mother in times of need. Mine wasn't there. Yeah, my mom is pretty hardcore because she is from the islands and she had to work for everything she has but I wasn't, so how are you going to expect me to be just like you? I needed my mother and she wasn't there. And my brother and her have that stupid pact, that I NEVER got while I was getting bullied, that I never got when I was molested by a family friend, that I never got when I was cutting myself, that I never got when I was starving myself. I NEVER GOT IT AND HE GETS EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, money, friends, grades, iPhones, anything. It's not like I don't try. I do. but never good enough. never good enough. (I freaking hate the crying man).  I love my mom, but, I noticed that I snap at her too, her and my brother always said I hated them. I don't and I know they love me but I'm so mean. I hate doing things for her, but she does so much for me. I don't get it. I just get so SO annoyed at everything they do. 

Oh, and we moved an hour away from my father and his crappy girlfriend, I miss him so much, but when I do see him with my new sister, yeah sometimes it hurts but most of the time Nah, that sometimes though...

I love my family I do, but I feel so alone being in this house with them. They make it so hard for me.  everything I do is criticized and yes they are parents and they want me to be responsible, since I'm going to college in practically a year or 2 and they want the best, well her, but she's rude with her advice... so rude.

If I don't do something potentially better for my life than I'm a horrible daughter and my brother is the only one going to come out well in life and he's better than me, and she's so rude with it too, right in front of me. I'm used to it now, but it still hurts. I talked to her about and she just says "its how I am, stop trying to change me". NOBODY IS TRYING TO CHANGE YOU, IT'S THE OPPOSITE. I'm grateful for everything she does for me but those little things and words she does and says. they hit hard.

Thanks for letting me sob on my keyboard and possibly electrocute myself while ranting lol help me out with this guys. I love you, stay radical.

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