Letters from a Fractured Heart

Do you know that feelling? Like your soul is about to rupture from all the things you cannot tell someone. All the things they can't know, or that you won't tell them?
I do. Sometimes it gets so bad that my mind feels crammed with so many emotions and unspoken words, I can't form a coherent thought around them.
So I write them down. And it works.
These are my unsent letters. My unspoken words.

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2. J.

Dear J.

 

The truth is that I feel shit. And I feel different things for a lot of different people, you just happen to one of the few I feel like that about. Like smiling when I see your name. Like being around, even when I don't want to be around anyone.

I know I can be distant and stand-offish. Even arrogant. It's all a part of the wall I build and rebuild every day, keeping my feelings inside where I can contain them. Just letting a sliver of it out, if only for an instant... It leaves permanent traces. Feelings I am no longer capable of containing. So I lock it all in, just in case you won't let me in. Because shutting you out is so much easier if you only ever touch the outer wall.

Don't get me wrong, no matter how far I let you in, I can shut you out. It might take weeks, but I have honed the skill of selective emotion for years now. Pain can always be removed if you are patient enough, I've learned, and I have all the patience in the world.

So I will be brave, and walk away while I still can. Distance myself while there is still time to save us both. And you will not understand, you might never understand, but it will be for the best.

I want you to live. I want me to live, and not just survive. Survival isn't good enough for me anymore, and I don't want it to be good enough for you either.

And you will wonder. You will ask, and I will not answer truthfully, because the truth hurts, and when there is nothing to be done about it, there is no reason for the pain.

So I will love you here, from the corner of my broken mind, and I will lock that part far away in the dark, so that you will never have to hear from it again.

For both of us.

 

Yours, however briefly,

Isabella

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