The Bar Code Parody

Many years into the future, civilization has become fixated on a new piece of technology which allows the user to keep all of their information on their bare skin in the form of a barcode. Society has become so fixated on it that the ones that don't have one of the essential barcodes are deemed to fail in society, and just suck at life in general.
Sapphire Serenity, however, isn't phased about this technological advancement in the slightest and would rather remain an remarkable individual who happens to be the biggest outcast in her entire high school. But when things start turning for the worst, Sapphire has no other option, but to turn into one of the biggest Mary Sues in literature history.

Give credit to the original, The Barcode Tattoo by Suzanne Weyn.

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7. Snoop Da D00d

Sapphire didn't stop running until she reached Snoop's humble abode which was conveniently located on a street corner one block away. Snoop was sitting outside of his homely trashcan listening to hip rap music on a cheap boombox and smoking weed while eating Kraft macaroni. 

 "I HATE MY MOM!" Sapphire yells as she kicks the trash can. It didn't move due to physics simply saying "no".
Snoop sighed and turned down the unfitting music to the volume of 0.5. "What's wrong now, my nizzle?"

 "My mom won't buy me a case of Monster Energy, the drink i consume nearly every day of my life! She doesn't understand how hard it is for a girl like me to burn a few cals going to the store- and suggesting I buy it at a store for preps is just pushing it..." Sapphire kept ranting which made Lil Wayne peer out of the trash can's black hole in his sleepwear at Snoop.

 "Yo, can you shut this bitch up? I'm trying to sleep." He asks drowsily.

Snoop sighed and put the lid on the trash can, seperating the two dimensions for now. He shaked his head at Sapphire and put away his mac n cheese.

 "Just deal with it, Sapphire. You overreact to every single thing that happens to you. Can't you just chill, my nizzle?" Snoop tries reasoning.

Sapphire only got more pissed off. "I'M NOT OVER REACTING!"

Snoop only gave her a 'dude-ur-so-retarded' look and glanced into the distance at his neighbor, Nicki Minaj, adding overly expensive cred onto her home which also was a trash can. A piece of paper flew into his face and surprised him and Sapphire.

 "What's that?" She questions.

He reads the paper which had Bar-E the Barcode printed on it. Bar-E was a lame attempt of the government to try making the barcode concept appeal to the younger demographic. All the advertisements the one note mascot appeared in were filled with lame puns and situations copied from many shows before it. Sapphire had complained about Bar-E on many a forum, but nobody cared.

 "Having a Barcode is groovy, Without it is a doozy!" Snoop read in a high pitched voice. "This barcode propaganda is everywhere you look nowadays, mah nizzle."

 "And all the conformists fall for it." Sapphire added. "I'm not going to get it though."

Snoop shrugs. "Well, if you want to get arrested easily, that's the way to go, bruh. Without a tat, you can get a jail sentence for up to 45 years and the bail is 8,000,000,000,000,000 dollars."

Sapph was a bit surprised at him knowing this. "And how would you know about this?"

 "Because one of my friends Eminem is in jail for it. Me and my friend Lil Wayne plan on busting him out so it's not much to worry about, niz."

They awkwardly shared a glance for a long time when they were interrupted by a guy yelling, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

Sapphire got ready to pull out the black diamond studded pistol she always kept in her purse to fire at the perpetrator, but only saw her mom standing there in her ragged night gown.

 "wtf mom?" Sapphire questions. "You're embarrassing me in front of my friend!"

Her mom only stumbles around as Snoop awkwardly crawls back into his trash can, leaving Sapphire to fend for herself.

 "ANYWAY, YA MARY SUE, IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL, SO SKIDDOODLE OVER THERE!" Sapphire was confused what her mom meant by Mary Sue but went regardless.

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