Minions Uprising

When Minions begin to slowly take over the world in form of mediocre Facebook memes, mass merchandising, and more, something must be done.


1. Only The Beginning

"Another one? This is the fifth time I've seen a minion meme just on my Facebook dash!" Dave loudly exclaimed to himself as he scrolled through his dashboard, hoping to see something actually meaningful to him such as posts from that health page his buddy Ethan had recommended for him the other day. He sighed as Dave closed down his laptop.

"Maybe going to Walmart could clear my head.... I have been meaning to get some more of those Debbie Cakes anyway.." Dave tells himself as he gets his red trucker hat off the table and sets off to the Walmart in town which was thirty minutes away.


As he entered the Walmart, Dave felt himself being pulled out of the quiet, calm atmosphere of his room and pushed into the noisy, chaotic one of the store. 

He grabs a shopping cart and goes off into the foods section of Walmart. Right off the bat, however, Dave sees a stand with assorted Minions branded Hostess products. He could already feel the cringe seeping in again...

Dave tried shaking the feeling off as quickly as possible before heading off to get some bread three aisles away from where the fresh produce was displayed. 

"Now, where are those 24 pack Hawaiian Rolls?" Dave mused as he scanned the shelves for the Kings Hawaiian bread. A middle aged woman happened to be nearby and decided to try helping.

"Need any help, mister?" Dave looked to his right, but immediately regretted it as he sees the yellow shirt of her's which pictured the face of a minion. He stood in shock for several seconds as she was extremely confused by this gesture.

"Are you alright? You seem very startled by something." 

Dave snapped out of his trance. "E-eh, I'm fine. Thanks for trying to help." 

The woman started pushing her shopping cart south of his. "No problem!"

He carries on with trying to have an easy trip to get groceries. 

I swear, if i see another minion, I don't know what I'm going to do.... Dave thinks to himself as he puts some cans of chicken noodle soup in along with his other groceries. He tried to calm his rage by instead focusing his thoughts on shopping and the Top 40s playing on the store's radio.

Shopping was going smoothly, until he had reached his breaking point.

Dave was in the video aisle of the electronics area of Walmart, as he was looking for a film that would suit his cravings of a so-bad-its-good slasher horror flick. He figured it would also be a good idea of an investment if he could also invite some friends over to engage in a B Movie night. Dave had already stocked himself up with popcorn and ginger ale for that occasion if it were to ever happen. 

Dave smiled to himself as he fondly remembered the last B Movie night from last month in which his friend, Reggie, got into an argument with Ethan over who was going to die first in the movie they had watched that night. It ended with the two of them setting outlandish bets over the ordeal, even if neither of them had followed through with it in the end.

Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a Minion laughing. Dave whipped around to see a young girl sitting in the shopping cart playing with a Minion doll while her mother was chatting away to a friend on her smartphone by a display of game cards.

The girl giggled as she repeatedly pressed the Minion's stomach to hear various phrases being said over and over. Dave was getting close to his breaking point with each passing second of hearing the dreaded minion's voice going through his head repeatedly, until he couldn't take it no more.

"AAAAAAGH! WHY ARE THESE DAMN MINIONS EVERYWHERE I TURN?!?" Dave yells out in frustration. Lots of nearby customers noticed his presence after that outburst and the girl's mother looked furious as she strode over to him quickly.

"Watch your language around my child, asshole!" the woman snapped at him.

Before Dave could respond, various parents and Walmart staff started crowding around him saying to him many different things at once.

"Sir, are you alright?" An employee questioned.

"I'll have you know minions are the sweetest, most adorable little things I've ever seen! You're just jealous because you could never live up to something as great as a minion!" a blonde woman wearing a purple emoji shirt berated.

"What did he say, Elijah? Did he say something about minions?" an elderly woman whispered to a man besides her.

"Sir, are you alright?" The same employee asked about Dave's well being again.

Dave just stood there trying to keep to calm himself down after his outburst, which only felt like it was worsening due to all the shoppers and workers circling him saying words that sounded incoherent to him.

Suddenly, the vent overhead the electronics department burst open as a flood of minions came out of it and dropped near the angered crowd below.

"adjvbgidyhgvbaidbuvfBANANA!" The minions cried out pointing directly at Dave. He felt so bewildered by this happening, almost as if it was from a weird fever dream of his. Only this fever dream was combined with the sadistic intents of his worst nightmares.

"" Dave could only say under his breath as the army of yellow overall-wearing tic-tacs sprinted towards his direction.

One by one, the crowd stopped trying to reach out to Dave and many began to freak out about the mere existence of minions being at a Walmart of all places. Some panicked, some were shouting obscenities, and some were pulling out their phones to get good footage for the social media world to see.

A little girl ran in front of the maddened swarm of minions in excitement.

"Mommy, mommy, look! It's the minions!" The child giggles happily as she jumped up and down in excitement. She then stretches her arms out in front of her in a attempt to hug one of the minions that were now inches from her.

The minions stopped in front of her in confusion as a young couple - Dave assumed they were the girl's parents - eyed their daughter in fear from the far right where portable DVD players were currently being displayed.

"SWEETIE, NO!" Her mother called out in panic.

The girl didn't listen and picked up a minion in front of her and hugged it tightly to her chest.

"I love you, minion." She says to it sweetly. The minion was not moved by this gesture and punched the girl in the face. The punch knocked her off to the side of the minion swarm. 

"Oh my heavens!" The same elderly woman exclaims in disbelief. Many others had similar reactions to what they had just witnessed that very moment.

"kjedfjfbvrsuglhrfvblu!" It shouted to the child in rage, before commanding the other minions to charge, "BANANA!"

The girl laid on the ground sobbing loudly as her father hoists her up and carries her away before any other minions could pursue after them.

"Come on, honey." He grabs his wife's hand and then they run well out of Dave's sight.

By now, the crowd now separated as they ran away from the minion army that had their sights all locked onto Dave and were now nearing their target.

Dave let out a terrified scream as he took off running as fast as he could. Their little bodies didn't seem like they could pose a challenge of speed to him.

But the minions were hot on Dave's tail as he kept running through the toy and hardware departments. He started getting fatigued from all of the hard work of avoiding the enraged tic-tacs. His friend Reggie would have been impressed with him managing to run at top speed for such a long time.

Dave took a quick look to see that the minions were still at his heels, not looking worn out in the slightest. He whips his head around and tries to speed up in an effort to get ahead from the minions.

"How are these yellow bastards not giving up?"

Dave starts to scour his nearby environments to find something he could climb on top of like a store shelf or a display so he could catch his breath long enough and it would keep the minions at bay for a short while. Dave knew very well the formulated plan might only end up in failure, but in his situation, anything stupid could work.

He was in the food department now and saw a bread display up ahead. Dave could jump on it and attempt to jump off of the shelf onto the top of an aisle right next to it.

With all his remaining agility, Dave leaps up onto the bread shelving and turns towards the aisle next to where he was standing. The minions were quickly jumping into each other in attempt to get onto the platform Dave was currently on.

Dave takes a deep breath before jumping as high as he could and manages to seize hold onto the shelf's sides and climbs on top of it. He felt so proud of having accomplished something he deemed impossible.

Dave took this time to regain more of his used stamina as he heard the lead minion discussing loudly with the others about what to do next.

Dave grew a minor headache at the minions' painfully annoying voices as he wiped some sweat off of his head and wiped his hand on his khaki pants. He then noticed that his purple tank top had been drenched in sweat and winced at the sight.

The minions stopped talking, which made Dave curious and walked over to the shelf's edge, careful not to fall off or break any part of the towering display. He looked downwards to where all the minions clambered over each other in desperate attempts to finally reach Dave's location.

Dave backed away in fear and he didn't stop until he was directly in the center of the shelving.

More minionese reached his ears and he searched for the source of the sound, only to discover even more hordes of minions were dashing over to him.

"Shit.." He says under his breath in shock. A minion hand locked onto his sneakers and by instinct, Dave kicks the minion off into another area about five aisles from him.

That kick proved to be less effective than Dave had wanted it to be, as the minion army were all now on top of the shelf and headed towards Dave.

All around him, customers were screaming and rushing towards the nearest exits after seeing the minions. Many were abandoning their shopping carts while doing so. The sounds of many a child or infant crying filled the store as well.

Dave was lost in such a moment, that he gets seized by the minions and gets tackled onto the shelf. The minions standing around nearby began cheering on their allies as many different minions began beating of Dave in various ways.

He couldn't fight back due to so many of the yellow horde standing on top of him.

The next moments were blurry as a panicked Dave knew well that at this rate, it was clear that no one was going to come to his rescue like something out of children's storybook or a video game. He mentally started preparing his will.

"...And my PlayStation will go to Ethan along with my Pop Figures...."

Dave felt his body being kicked around, along with feeling bruises that were definitely going to form in the nearest future. Who knew how much physical - along with mental - pain minions could give?

He slowly waited for his death as the minions kept at it like crazed savages hellbent on destruction.

Suddenly, the sound of the roof caving in interrupted Dave's thoughts and the minions started to get off of him at long last. He wondered about why the minions haven't stopped throwing him around like some rag doll, when his eyes squinted at the sudden brightness of the afternoon blue sky.

"What the..."

Dave then sees a sleek, black helicopter lower itself down into the huge hole in the ceiling it had just made. A rope ladder was tossed down from the helicopter as an Asian woman in a black jumpsuit climbed onto it. Her hair was blowing all around her from the wind being generated from the helicopter blades and the lenses of her thin square framed glasses reflected the bright lights of the Walmart Supercenter.

The woman then pulls out a light grey handgun from the holster and trains it onto the group of minions surrounding Dave. Without a warning, the gun fires and the bullet hits a minion a few inches in front of Dave. The minion fell over, bleeding from its chest.

The other minions saw this and only got even more maddened.

"jedbfliujbfliurbf;qri3uvbf;!" The minion leading the army shouted, pointing at the woman. In a frenzy, the minions began trying to attack her by forming a ladder to reach the helicopter. The helicopter swayed away from the shelf Dave was on and the woman climbed back inside, but left the ladder outside of the copter.

When Dave saw the minions were now all focused on the woman who had killed their comrade, he proceeded to try standing up. It was made difficult by the pain on his body caused by the minions who had all taken their turns beating him up. Dave let out a yelp of pain from the soreness of his legs. He had finally managed to stand on his own feet when he heard the helicopter drawing near to him. Dave turned around at the sound to see the helicopter was directly behind him.

By the time the minions took notice of this, their makeshift ladder fell apart and many of the minions fell off of onto the floor below. The others that didn't fall were either trying to help their allies climb back up or were now trying to approach the helicopter.

Dave stared up at the heli in confusion, until a voice called out to him.

"Come with us if you want to live!" The assertive voice of a male calls out from the helicopter.

Without hesitation, Dave latched onto the ladder only for a minion to grab onto his right leg.

"jdbfvalekvblnana!" It cried out at him as the helicopter started to veer away from the crowd of minions.

"Get off of me!" He kicked as strongly as he could as the minion successfully fell off below. Dave felt safe for once as he climbed into the helicopter just as it was leaving the Walmart behind to the army of minions who had invaded it earlier.


Thanks for reading dis book I made. It's obviously not finished yet, but expect updates to be sort of slow with all the other fanfic parodies ( and serious works too ) I set out to do for all of you fellow readers. If you really like this story, be sure to leave a like and also leave any comments below.



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