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"You don't just get to come back here and pretend things haven't change." I yelled at him outside my apartment, "Things haven't changed! I still love you." he grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me gently, then clutches my face.
There is a moment of silence.
"Eight years and you still drive me fucking crazy." he smiled softly at me, and the rain is heavy, in the cliche way. Harry leans in closer to me, moving wet strands of hair from my face, and as our lips are inches apart I hear a voice.
"What the fuck is going on?" and Roman is staring right at us.

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9. Part Nine




Every part of my body ached in a different kind of way.

In general, it was the part that could feel. That being my head and heart.

My head was screaming at my heart, like they were locked in some form of eternal battle. My head is telling my hear to grow up, leave every fraction of him behind, and let Roman love me. But, my heart was telling my head that I wouldn't even be truly happy until I won back up with Harry.

Whilst the war was continuing, I was sat in the passenger seat of Roman's car, letting the battle rage on.

"Tonight was fun." Roman commented, "It was ok." I shrugged softly, he reached across and placed a hand on my thigh.

"Is everything okay?" he muttered as softly as he could.

A small chuckled fell out of my lips.

Suddenly nothing was okay.

The way that he was driving, wasn't okay. The temperature of the car, wasn't okay. The colour of the sky, wasn't okay. The vibrations on my phone, being texts from harry, were not okay. The clothes I was wearing which had sat in Harry's apartment weren't okay. The war in my chest wasn't okay.

"Fine. Everything is fine." I glance over at him, and he shook his head. "It's not okay. I know you Ade." he warned me and I shook my head.

"No, you don't." I told him sharply, "What's gotten into you?" he frowned, and pulled over the car.

The air in the car was thick and heavy, I needed to breath again, so I stepped out at the side of the road.

"Get back in the car!" Roman yelled at me, and I continued to pace, thinking about how hypercritical I was. Because, I needed to tell him I had slept with Luke.

Maybe then he's see how horrible a person I really was, and he'd dump me and I could leave both of the boys and find a new one who had the best of both worlds.

"Roman, I slept with someone else."

Roman laughed at me and continued telling me to get into the car.

"Roman?" I frowned at him.

"You wouldn't." he shook his head and soon enough the smile fell from his face and he looked at me with the saddest eyes anyone has ever looked at me with. "No." he whispered, and I nodded guiltily.

"It didn't mean anything," I whispered, shaking my head. Roman didn't need to know. I saw how hurt he was and wished I had just kept my mouth shut, because now I had hurt the other boy that I loved.

"Who?" he seethed, "Was it Harry?" he snapped, "Is that why you were out with him?" he shouted at me on the side of the road in the spitting rain and blaring headlights.

"God! No, Roman." I scoffed and rolled my eyes at him, "Then who the fuck was it?" he shouted at me, even louder this time.

"Does it even matter?" I turned to face him and went to comfort him.

"Yes it fucking matters, because you don't do this kind of thing." he snapped at me, "You slept with that girl in our bed, and I, I just wasn't thinking, I was sad and -" he stops me, "Don't you dare blame this on me." he muttered.

"If you hadn't slept with that girl, I wouldn't have gone and slept with Luke!" I shouted at him this time, "Luke?" he turned to me slowly, veins in his neck pulsing.

"Roman." I sighed.

"I should have known really, you used to fuck all the time according to Luke. Isn't that what he said at the party? Or was that you and Harry? Really, I am losing track of all of the dick you've had." he snapped, and then shook his head, "Just get in the car." he didn't mutter another word the entire night.

Even when we got home, he just sat on the couch in silence.

I didn't even know what to say to him. I hoped that maybe he understood now why I was so hurt about that girl he fucked.

My phone dinged in my pocket, and I quickly shut it to silent.

"Don't ignore it on my account," Roman called over to me as I had my work spread over the kitchen table.

I peered at the gleaming screen.

Sorry about tonight. I hope you and Roman are okay. Call if you need me? - H

I put it back in my pocket.

"Are you just going to sit there and ignore me all night?" I called over to him.

"Do you even know how sick it makes me? To know that someone other than me has touched you?" he whispered, sounding broken, but maybe this is what it was going to take for him to learn.

"The same way it makes me feel when you sleep with countless girls," I told him equally as sad.

For the first time, possibly in history, he didn't have an answer.

We sat in slience once more and watched TV. 

And, once more my phone rang. Roman reached for it and then smirked shaking his head. "It's Harry." and he threw my phone my way.

I picked it up and walked over to the patio doors. 

"What do you want, Harry?" I sighed softly, "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I was a little worried about you." his voice whispered down the phone. 

"Roman knows I slept with Luke," I tell him gently, and step outside. 

"You told him? Why?" Harry's voice seemed hopeful.

"I don't know. I wanted to upset him, I wanted him to leave me at the side of the road, so then I could call you and we could just talk. You know, like we should have done tonight?" I whispered. 

"I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have acted like that before," he told me, and I laughed to myself. 

"Everyone keeps saying sorry to me, but it's all my fault. I'm the one who kissed you and led you on, I'm the one that slept with Luke. Roman has every right to hate me. So do you." I whispered and felt tears prick my eyes. 

"No. Darlin', you know I can't hate you. I've tried." he teases and makes me crack a small smile. 

"Did you mean what you said about waiting for me?" I asked, peering into the room where Roman sat. 

"You don't need to ask." Harry whispered, "I'll see you around, Harry." I whispered.

"Eve. I love you." Harry whispered. 

"Yeah. I love you too." I told him softly. 

I hung up the phone and walked back inside. Holding my breath, and shaking. I walked right past Roman and pulled out my suitcase from under the bed. 

"What are you doing?" Roman walked over to the door and saw me rifling through my draws. "Where are you going?" Roman asked in a more aware voice. 

"I'm going to get a hotel for a night or two, give you time to think things over." I told him, "You don't have to do that." Roman walked over to me pulling clothes out of the suitcase. 

"No, I do. You need time to think about what you want." I tell him without looking at him, he clasps my arm and makes me face him. 

"I need to think about what I want? You know I want you. I've made that very clear. I think it's you who needs to think about what you want." Roman corrects me and he is right. 

"Yeah, maybe I do." I shrugged away from his arms. 

Roman looks shocked and angry, then his face changes to sadness. 

"I'm sorry. I just don't want this to happen again. I want you to want me, without feeling like you need to find other girls. I don't want to get angry with you and sleep with other people." I tell him. 

"Then let's talk. Let's be honest.  Tell each other everything, everything we have done. Then if at the end of it we still love each other then we move on. Leave the ghosts behind." Roman looks at me, full of desperation. 

I nodded softly. 

"Then the first thing I need to tell you that that red-head wasn't the first girl I've slept with when I have been with you," he told me softly. 

I laughed. 

"Do you want to know their names?" he asked me softly, "No. It makes it real then." I sighed, "Your turn." he smiled softly sitting on the edge of the bed. 

"I've only slept with Luke whilst I've been with you. I.." I paused and thought about telling him about the kiss that meant everything with Harry. 

"You?..." Roman pushed. 

"I kissed someone too," I spoke, and Roman looked down with a heavy sigh. I now took a deep breath, "Do you want to know his name?".

Roman shook his head softly, "I don't think so, sometimes a kiss means more than sex doesn't it?" Roman looked up at me, "Sometimes." I nodded softly. "Was that kiss one of those kinds?" he asked softly, and I took in a deep breath. 

"Yes." I uttered softly and regretted it immediately. 

"Do you still see him?" Roman's jaw clenched, "I won't if you don't want me too." I do not move for fear of being eaten by the lion in the room. 

"Do you love him?" she asked softly, "I don't know." I whispered softly, "It's an easy question, Ade." Roman's voice was louder now. 

"I did. Once." I tell him, careful not to mention Harry because the thought of never seeing him again made me sick. 

"You know, I need to ask who it is now, don't you?" he spoke softly, and I nodded, but spoke, "I love him once. I probably always will. But, I will probably always love you too. Isn' that enough?" I asked him softly. 

"Probably," Roman spoke. "You'll probably love me forever?" he finished. "That's not definitive," he added softly. 

"I just think the past can be left in the past. I'm willing to forget that you've had sex with other girls, can't you just forget a kiss." I whispered, pleading for sorts. 

"I didn't love those girls. Not even for a second." Roman snapped at me, "Tell me who it was." Roman steps towards me.

"Do you remember that boy who I dated for a few years when I was sixteen?" I asked softly, "The one who left you?" Roman stuck the knife in. "Well, he was at the party we went too. He asked for a word, and I went for a walk with him and one thing just led to a kiss." 

Roman was silent for a moment, "Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell me he was there?" he asked me, and I shrugged, "Because I didn't think it was important. I thought it was in the past." I whispered. 

There was more silence to follow. 

"Why haven't you ever told me his name?" Roman asked softly, "I don't want to be reminded of it. It's personal." I whispered. 

"But, this guy. He's still around?" he asked me, and I didn't want to lie to him, but I didn't want to reassure his insecurities. 

"Why does it matter? Can't we just forget it, you're the one who is also asking to leave the past in the past, aren't you? Why can't you just forget it?" I raise my voice to him. 

"Why can't you talk about it?!" Roman counter my voice with his. 

"Because it hurts!" I shouted back at him. 

"Talk to me." Roman walks over to my tear covered face and sits me beside him. 

"He promised me everything." I paused, and looked to him, he was nodding reassuringly. "He gave me his word that he wouldn't ever leave me. He told me things that made everything different."

"He knows all my secrets, Roman. I don't love him how I love you, of that, I am sure. I love him differently. I love him in the way that you love a toy you had when you were younger, comfort and familiarity. I love him because he smells of home, and sweet memories came back when he kissed me." I see Roman wince at the thought but he nods for me to continue. 

"He has a way of making me forget all of the bad things he did. He's so placid now, and calm and he has really matured. But, we hated each other with everything we had, so much so that it became love. Like a diamond, we were created under such a great pressure. 

Overnight he used to tell me that we'd get out of here. Together. Then, at the first sight of trouble, he left. No goodbye. He left me to pick up the pieces, but for reason he still has a hold of some fragments of me.

 I am so sorry for that, because you deserve every fragment of me. Every inch of me should be yours.  Because, I love you, please remember that, irrelevant of my feelings for another boy, it's you I want to be with, my heart just has a hard time figuring out what's best for me." I break and Roman isn't looking at me. 

"Do you expect me to love you with everything I have, when you can't love me with all that you have?" he asked me softly, and I shook my head softly.

"I expect you to leave. Well, for you to kick me out, because this is your apartment." I whispered, and he chuckled softly. 

"Then you don't know me." he kissed my forehead softly, "I am going to love you so much, enough to build you new pieces in place of those that he stole.". 

"Most guys would leave." I tell him, and he smiled softly, "Have I ever been like most guys?" he asked me and I laughed, "No, not everyone is heir to a multi-million dollar firm." and he wrinkled his nose at me. 

I stand now before him, almost everything disclosed, and he looks at me with all of the love in the world. 

Roman brushes a strand of hair from my face, and sighs, "We are going to be okay."  he whispered. 

Okay

Okay is all I wish for.

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