A letter to my father

When you cannot say your words aloud, letters can speak clearer.



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1. A letter to my father

When I open my eyes from a nightmare it will always be your arms that I lean to

Even if you are not there and I am alone in my own apartment three hundred thousand miles away I'll still call out your name and hope I'll hear your calm voice shoot me with calming drugs that you knew all about.

You always knew about a lot. You would tell me about the economy and the world and the way my favorite toys were made and the way that men were just made to be better than women

And I would always be so caught up the wonderful things you'd say that I would forget about the horrible ones.

So I will always remember the time you let me pick a movie and make a blanket bed and eat popcorn way past my bedtime.

And I will miss your crazy stories about Iraq

And I will miss how you treated me like an adult

But I know many things now.

I know that doing a few good things does not make you a good person

I now know that just because you buy someone a laptop and give them life does not make you a good person.

And I know that with any good thing there a bad ones.

Like the times where you locked me in the room because you didn't want to deal with me.

Or when you would threaten me with the gun you kept on your hip.

Or when you would tell me how lovely of a lady I would be. How wonderful I'd make the boys feel, in that 'special way' that always made me uncomfortable.

And now I'm old enough to know that life is not like addition.

I know know that one minus one does not equal zero in life.

And so while I'll reach out for you when I wake up from the nightmare

I'll also remember that it was you stabbing me in my dreams.

 

 

 

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