To be Determined

I'm not sure yet.


1. 1

I was walking don the street in a big city near my home town on a hot summer's day. I didn't like wearing shorts but it was better than dying of heat stroke. I was 16. I didn't know anything about everything, and honestly I was just to lazy to try to learn, because I knew it was impossible. Average girl average life. Parents divorced at 10, chubby, brown hair. I had always wanted to be one of those girls who was pretty and people knew. I didn't mind how I looked. after 16 years there becomes a point where u just have to realize that there is nothing extremely wrong with you. I would sit in cafe's and search my blank mind for something to think about, but lately nothing is popping up. I'm a little over trying to please people. going to party's searching for a suitor who is willing to talk to me, which often never happened. I can't understand myself anymore. I'm addicted to junk food and I've gain 30 lbs over the past year. part of me didn't care, part of me did. That part that didn't care is taking over me. I used to cry if I missed a visit to the gym, or didn't order myself a salad when going out to eat. not anymore. nothing but hot Cheetos and diet coke. it's fine. I'm fine, people still like me and boys still give me attention occupationally. I know those things shouldn't define my success, but they do. When I was younger, like 12 to 13 I would read fan fictions. So many that I don't even want to know how many hours it built up to, it became a part of my routine. I didn't get attentions from boys, so I would just read my guts out about someone else's unrealistic fantasies. I eventually stopped. But lately i've been wanting it again. Craving those unrealistic plots where the girl meets the famous boy and they fall in love and what not. Its not that I need something to fill that romantic void. Just last night 3 different boys started to talk to me on snap chat. its just, I know they're not right, there just not mature, and honestly I've NEVER found a boy who was right. it gets frustrating. So i've decided that I need to give ME attention instead of giving it to boys and what not. Time to eat better, get myself in shape, and spend more time on appreciating ME. I'm not sure if it will work, but if it does...? Great. 

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