Our Story

This is our story, the story that has made us to who we are today. I, Skyana, have a heartbreaking story. My story may blow you away. CalumHood16, she also has an interesting story to tell. Enough of this! Let's get going!

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3. Yasmin/CalumHood16

So the next part of my story is how I got my depression. So I started to have these weird feeling often. I wondered why I was feeling like this. I started to feel sad almost all the time. I would watch the news and how all the bad things have been happening. Then I started to blame myself not trying to get involve with these things and how I could’ve helped these people who have died. Later like in 7th grade my friends started to leave me and they would leave me eat lunch alone. This girl in school didn’t like me and she made all my friends hate me. Then my parents divorce started to get to me. It didn’t before but I guess it took some time. Later at home my family started to argue a lot. I would also hear them say “I hate you! I never want you part of my life!”

It was mostly my mum who fought with everyone else. I onced asked her, “Mum why do you fight with everyone?” Then her response shocked me, “I have depression. Remember those pills I take every single day? It;s because of this. My mum was never there for me, no one was there for me when I was little. I had to take care of myself.” Then she broke down in tears and I started to cry with her. why ? Why would someone as sweet and loving like my mum suffer from this? I have noticed that my mum cries very often but I just shrugged it off and let it be. I have no idea why I did that but I hate myself for doing that.

Later as I realized how broken everything was I started to get depressed myself. One day I searched up the word depression in YouTube and I saw a video and I saw someone say that cutting yourself makes you feel better and it brings all the hurt and stress out. So I decided to try it. I went into the kitchen and I grabbed a knife, checked if it was sharp and and tried to cut. When I pushed the blade into my wrist I screamed in pain. Good thing that no one was in the house. It hurt so much and then I searched up if the first cut hurts and most of the internet said it does hurt but later when you continue to cut, you will get used to the pain. So I continued to cut, and the internet was right. I couldn’t feel the pain anymore and I became addicted to cutting, I couldn’t stop. Cutting and depression changed my moods and style of clothes. I used to like wearing dresses and know I like wearing baggy clothes, like sweats, loose shirts and also huge sweaters. I actually became emo.

My mum found out and she took me to therapy. I hated therapy so much so I just pretended to be happy and I also tried so hard to stop cutting. So when the therapist asked me how I was doing, I would always respond with fine. So when my session was over, I started to cut again. I would always wear sweaters so I could cover my scars. My mum and dad thought that I was better and they thought that the therapy worked very well.

Later in life I would say everyone will be way better without me and I won’t cause them any problems like I am. I would also say to myself that no one really loves me and that they are just pretending.

So I set up a date where I would kill myself and that finally everyone out of this pain that I am bringing them. So I will share the date with you...the date I was thinking of committing suicide on was a day before my birthday September 15. I know that if you commit suicide you will go to hell but I don’t really care. I deserve it, for treating everyone like shit. Life has been really hard these couple of years. My family doesn’t get along very well, it’s hard for me to make friends so I rarely have friends. I don’t wanna live any more...I just want all this pain to end and not have to go through pills and therapy and I don’t want anybody telling me:

“You’ll be fine.”

“Life will get better.”

“You are making this pain on yourself.”

 

I just want someone there for me and that he/she will actually be there for me. Not ditch me because some better offer came in, or they don’t wanna be with me because they are too busy watching their show or are busy with something else that is just for themselves.

What if the leave me alone for a second and I took that chance to kill myself and that person will end up finding me dead.

I’ve heard many people tell me:

“You're worthless.”

“Why are you even alive?”

“No boy will ever like you.”

“You are gonna end up being alone.”

I am not going to tell you who so don’t try asking me.

So yeah that my life about my depressed and suicidal life. Don’t come and tell me,

“Don’t worry we are here for you.”

“I’m sorry.”

Or anything like that. I am not trying to mean but I hate when people tell me things when they don't’ actually mean it. Only come and tell me that if you ACTUALLY mean it.

One last thing...I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for treating everyone mean and if I have done something to make you feel bad just let me know...just talk to me.

I also wanted to tell you how I was going to kill myself...I made a list in school, and I put so many options to kill myself… I was going to stab myself, overdose in pills cause I take so many pills and I actually take sleeping pills and you know if you overdose on sleeping pills you die. I was also thinking to run in a street full of cars so they can run me over. I think the thing that got me more upset and depressed was my mum’s car accident. She almost died in that car crash. If my mum actually died i will seriously kill myself. She is the one I can talk to about anything and she will actually listen to me. If anything happened to her I would blame myself. My mum is my idol and I love her so much.

 
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