This Is My Story

This isn't an actual story, it is more each chapter will be dedicated to something in my life, be it an event, person, object or whatever that has made me who I am.

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1. Was it rape?

You had me fooled. 

I thought you loved me.

I thought you cared about me. 

But it was just a joke. 

I was just a joke.

You took my virginity on your back porch, in the middle of winter, at 1 in the morning. I was stupid and naive. 

When we started talking, I thought we were perfect for each other. But you also had me thinking the only way to keep you around was to have sex with you. 

Now here's where my question comes in. 

Was it rape?

I know what you're thinking, but I haven't gotten to why I think it might be yet.

At first, I consented. Sometimes I didn't say no, sometimes I started it. But every time, when I didn't want it anymore I would tell you to stop. "No more" I would say. At times I would even push you away, but you never listened. 

You always pushed me back down and kept going.

You would laugh.

Laugh! 

As if I was joking! 

Maybe it's my fault.

Maybe I didn't try hard enough to say no.

Maybe I would laugh when I was squirming away from you as you were trying to grab me and pull me back in to prevent you getting mad at me. 

But if I'm being honest, I was scared. 

You're stronger than me. By a lot. If you really wanted it, you would have gotten it.

You did a couple of times. 

I did tell you no.

You would start moving your hand down and I would physically grab your wrist to stop you but you'd shove your hand in my pants anyways.

When you wanted a blow job you'd just push me down, no warning.

Here's the funny reality of it all, whether you think of it as rape or not: 

You're garbage at sex. 

I thought you were great, but you were all I knew. 

Having sex with other people showed me 2 things-

1) You can't please the girl worth shit. Seriously, learn how to eat a girl out. You're trash at it.

2) Your dick is small. 

So... yeah. Don't come crawling back to me for more sex, because I'm fucking someone that is so much better at it than you. I have not faked it once since I started sleeping with him. I faked it almost every time with you.

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