Welcome to my life

Have you ever felt broken?
Useless?
Unwanted?
Torn?
Ugly?
Imperfect?
Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? That's me. Welcome to my life.

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2. Causes

The familiar sobs racked my body as I collapse on my bed.

Again. Over and over again. Will it ever stop?!

I had walked through the front door after school, a huge smile on my face, feeling great from my amazing friends.

"Camille! You didn't do anything I told you to do this morning!" My mom screeched at me from the living room

My heart sunk.

"I told you; let the dogs out, feed them, take the trash out, make your brother's lunch, do the laundry, do the dishes, clean your room, clean out the ashes in the fireplace, and you didn't do a single thing! You are so useless! How do you expect to get anywhere in life?"

"I-I'm sorry, I-" my voice squeaked

"Your better be sorry! Go to your room! And for heavens sake, clean it! It's a pigsty in there! You are such a slob!" She continued

I dipped my head and walked as fast as possible up the stairs down the hallway, to the room at the very end.

So here I was. Face buried in my pillow, tears leaking from my eyes, sobbing, and cursing my existence.

Why was I so worthless?! Why couldn't I do anything right?!

I woke up everyday at 4:30 to get everything done, but I was lucky if I got half of it done. I was never good enough. Even if I got the whole list done, there would still be something I missed, or didn't do right.

I pulled out the journal from under my pillow.

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted. I'm sorry I'm worthless. Please tell what I need to do for you to love me again.

Love, Camille

I ripped the paper out, folded it neatly, put it in an envelope, and put it into the box under my bed.

The box was round with blue and white strips on the lid, and yellow and pink poka dots on the base. It contained apology letters to my parents from the past six months.

The door slammed downstairs, and I knew my dad was home as a round of shouting arose.

I couldn't make out any of the words from up here, but I had a feeling I knew what they were fighting about: money.

The root of all evil in this house. There was never enough.

I winced at the sound of something hitting the granite counters in the kitchen.

Grabbing some fresh clothes, I snuck to the bathroom across the hall, shutting and locking the door behind me.

I let out a breath of relief as I turned in the shower and got undressed. A glimpse in the mirror made me pause. I was so pale. And stick thin. My light brown hair fell in ringlets around my face. My blue eyes were the only thing I liked about myself. They always sparkled when I was happy.

The warm water instantly eased the tension in my muscles. I was rinsing out my conditioner, when someone banged on the door.

I jumped at the sound of my fathers yells.

"Hurry up in there, brat! You're using all the hot water! You take a cold shower and tell me how you like it!" He yelled

I scrambled for the handle and turned the water off, grabbing my emerald green towel in the process.

I dressed quickly, wrapped my sopping hair in the towel, and crouched down the peek under the door.

There weren't any feet in the hallway that I could see, and my bedroom door was still shut.

My breathing evened as I stood up, unlocked the door, and rushed across the hallway to my room.

I laid down on my bed and checked my phone, smiling slightly at a message from my best friend, Edmund.

E: Hey! Are you coming tonight? I need a hip-hop buddy!

C: Idk, I'll ask

E: good luck!

C: thanks I'll need it

Edmund and I were both part of the high school dance team. We both really enjoyed hip-hop. That was how we became friends.

"Hey, mom?" I called down the stairs

"If you want to talk to me, your gonna have to talk to my face, but hurry up! My shows on!" She yelled back

I sighed and walked down the stairs.

"Umm...I was wondering....could I...maybe......go with Edmund to the dance meeting tonight?" My voice caught

"What dance meeting?" My mom asked, her eyes glued to the tv

My mouth fell open, but I closed it quickly.

"T-the one I've been telling you about for weeks. About the qualifying for state?" I tried

She grunted.

I took that as a yes.

"Thank you so much, Mom! I promise you won't regret it!" I said happily

"As long as you don't come home with grandkids, I won't," she replied, still not looking at me.

I blushed deeply. I was in tenth grade, a sophomore, and Edmund was just a friend. There was no way I was getting pregnant anytime soon.

I ran back up the stairs and practically jumped on top of my phone where I left it on my bed.

C: she said yes!!

E: awesome! I'll be there in ten! Be ready!

C: will do! See you soon!

I did my happy dance as I raced to the mirror on my closet door.

I had on the bright, electric blue shirt for my dance team. It said, 'Serenity Middle School Dance Team' in bold white, letters. It also had my last name on the back in the same form. I also had on black shorts that barely passed my fingertips. My hair was pulled back in a ponytail with a headband that matched my shirt. The white adidas tennis shoes bounced up and down as I moved my feet looking for any imperfections.

Smiling in approval, I sat on my window sill, watching for Edmunds grey jeep.

Finally, he pulled into the driveway. I jumped up and jogged down to the front door, pulling it open before he could make it all the way to the door.

"Hey, Ed! Are you ready?" I asked, bouncing up and down in excitement

"Hi, Cam! Of course! I was born ready!" He replied, punching the air

We drove to the school, talking excitedly about state. Today was the day that we would talk about what it would take to make it to state, and start learning the dance for qualifying.

Nerves fluttered in my stomach at the thought of performing in front of all those people.

Than a thought invaded my mind. My family wouldn't be there. They never came to my performances. Nobody did.

I swallowed back the sudden wave of hurt, and focused on my conversation with Edmund.

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