Looking back


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1. Looking back

It’s sad. Really. All of these people I used to know, gathering to pay their respects. I wish I could join them. But sometimes life brings you nothing but disappointment. I just appreciate that I am able to watch it from the distance. Even though that distance may seem small, it feels like I’m moving further and further away, whilst not moving. 

 

When I look back on my time with these people, I realize that there are so many things, I wish I’d done differently. Reactions, goodbyes and meetings. I was never good at meeting people. The only friends I got, were the ones who stuck around until they got under my facade. And all of them are here today. 

 

There is a very simple explanation to why I stopped seeing most of the people in my life. 


My friends lost interest when I told them about the big life change I was going through. 

 

My mom and dad lived far away, and I only saw them at Christmas. When I got forced to move they would stop by all the time, but then it got boring I guess. 

 

My wife. My lovely, caring wife, who was there for me through thick and thin, held my hand all the way to the end. 

 

But there’s that about endings. They come when you need it the least, want it the least, and when you expect it the least. 

 

I was told I had a brain tumor. Small enough to remove with minor surgery. Of course there were certain risks. After all it was a brain operation. 

 

My friends said their goodbyes before I was hospitalized. The few of them I had left at the time, all had important stuff going on in their lives. They all assured me that I was going to make it though. 

 

My mom and dad practically lived at the hospital for the first week. But after that, they had to get back to reality, as they said. Also they believed that I would be just fine. 

 

My wife, never left my side. And as the only of the visitors, she never lied. She told me that she was afraid of losing me, and that the risk of something going wrong was fairly high.
I told her that I could either walk around in pain, and wait for death to catch me, or I could take a chance, and might get better. And if it should fail, at least I chose death, and not the other way around. 

She kissed me. Right before they rolled me off to the operation room. And that is the kiss I will take with me to my grave. 

 

I wonder if it will ever get dark. So dark that I can just turn of my thoughts and be gone forever. Or will I keep thinking and wondering for all of eternity. 

I guess there is only one way to find out. 

 

I’m moving. Fast. Driving maybe. Stopping and not long after that, I am being lowered into the ground. As the first sod of dirt hits my coffin an exit appears. 

 

Are you done? It asks. 

 

Yes. I’m done.

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