Followed by a rain cloud

A collection of poems, prose and straight up ramblings.

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3. What has my life come to? – July 2014

Over the years I lose more and more people, not only by death. Every time I lose a friend it happens to be my fault, am I the problem? The thing is, they don’t tell me when or what I do wrong at the time, instead they harbour all of their thoughts and feelings over a period of time (e.g. a year) until one day… BANG! They explode, drowning me in a turbulent sea highlighting all of my faults and flaws.

I feel alone in the world even though I am surrounded by many.

I am at breaking point.

I’m a dying fire; once raging fiercely, full of life and sense of purpose and meaning, now a dim ember, lonely and deprived of worth. I am trapped by my own morals and values. I think highly and optimistically of others, especially the ones I care about, yet end up being deceived by expectations.

When I ask for forgiveness it is either denied or it is accepted however I would have my crime held against me for the rest of time. Yet when they ask for forgiveness, I am expected to grant them their wish and forget about the whole ordeal.

If you betray me or do wrong by me, I’ll forgive you over time but that does not mean that our relationship remains the same. Betray me or become dishonest and the friendship automatically ends. Where there is dishonesty, there is no trust. Where there is no trust, there is no purpose for the relationship as it has become toxic and unhealthy.

I need someone to tear down the walls I have built around me; to protect me. I want someone to be scared to lose me.

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