Dear Kayla

The other side of the story.

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2. T W O

June 10, 2017  

Dear Kayla,

​I'm not writing this because I want to make you feel bad for what happened. The day that I read it all I could do to process what I had read was to write my own letter to you. It wasn't long and I was crying and it wasn't well planned out or anything but it made me feel better. Writing has always been my outlet, you know that and I think that's why you chose to write to me in the way that you did because you knew I'd understand after what I did with Dear Kyle. I thought the only fair way to give you a response would be to write my side of the story. I haven't written in a while. When we stopped being friends, I lost all the motivation to write. I've written a few things here and there but nothing like I used to.

The summer between eighth grade and freshman year was a living nightmare. I had nobody. When I lost you, I also lost C and S, though if I'm honest I didn't mind losing S. The only person I had left was E and she was busy moving thousands of miles away. I cried a lot. I spent most of my time in my room, trying to write but I just couldn't. I had decided by this point that I need a fresh start. I was going to change schools. Go somewhere where I could be someone besides the "weird girl" or the "teacher's kid." Somewhere where I could restart.

I was scared, after having you by my side for seven years I didn't know how to be by myself. You were the one person I needed most and you were the one person I couldn't talk to.

Summer passed and I was sure I'd hear from you but I didn't and when school started I accepted the fact that it was really over.

Freshman year was crazy. It was a rollercoaster of emotions. I found it really hard to open myself up to people and to let them in after what happened between us. I found it nearly impossible to trust them.

I tried out for the fall play, because you remember how big a part theatre played and still does play in my life. I wasn't expecting to get a role and definitely not a big one. I was a freshman going against super talented upperclassmen. But I got a lead. As a freshman. My self confidence that had hit an all time low after I lost you was now raising. I met a lot of people. They were all really nice and usually this would be my chance to make a lot of friends but for the first time there was this voice in the back of my head that said, "They are just pretending to like you." or "They are just being nice because they feel bad for you." I didn't know where it came from.

It took me months but I finally let someone in. Her name was S and she had gone through something strikingly similar to what happened between us and we connected through that. I let my guard down and I trusted her. She was my best friend and then just like that I lost her. Here I was almost exactly one year after I lost you and I was going through the exact same thing.

She pushed me away the exact same way you did. She thought that I was using her to get to a boy that I liked. I fought my heart out the same way that I fought for you and I was left lonely just like before.

That's when your words came back to haunt me. "Immature." and "Annoying." That's all I could think. That there has to be something wrong with me. That's why people keep leaving me. That's why you left me. That's why S left me. That's why J. and A. (Two people where were in the group with S and I) both left me as well. Whenever I met someone else those words echoed through my head. "You are too annoying." and "Stop being so annoying." No matter what I did, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

That's all for now.

Sincerely,

SMD

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