Dear Kayla

The other side of the story.

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4. F O U R

June 11, 2017

Dear Kayla,

So I was sitting backstage at my show last night and I was talking to one of the people that I actually like in the cast. Her name is A. She is kind of like me, she is socially awkward but unlike me she refuses to accept it. I've asked her night after night if she'd like to sit with me backstage because I need someone to talk to and she's really nice but night after night she says, "No, I'm going to try to be social tonight and talk to some other people." so I let her but then she just sits there and watches as other groups talk and laugh and you can tell she wants to join but she's too afraid.

So last night I was sitting with one of the younger kids, D, he's only 5 and he was sitting on my lap playing on his mom's phone. She watched and after he left to go onstage she came over and took my brother's seat next to me.

She immediately started complaining that she wanted to be like those other people who can just go up to people and start talking. And I agreed but then I said, "But I wouldn't want to be friends with most of the people here anyway." and she sat there staring at me completely shocked. She asked why.

"Because most of the teens in the cast think that they are so much better than everyone else and most of them have given me dirty looks at some point backstage." Ever since our fight all I've ever been able to think is that I'm "annoying" and "Immature" and when other people, especially other girls my age give me looks all I think is that it's because they can tell that I'm annoying.

So A then says, "Oh, you're just overreacting. Some of the people here are really nice."

"I know that some of them are but MOST are not. And unfortunately the nice ones hang out with the not-nice ones and it's impossible to make friends," I said and then she went on to tell me that I need to be more like my brother. He is so "outgoing" and "loves all people" and in return I replied,

"He's only 10, he hasn't been hurt before." she asked what I meant and I said, "He hasn't had anyone ever tell him everything that's wrong with him. And I hope he never does." that one shut her up for good.

***

So in January it was the beginning of a new semester and that meant that I had gym. It wasn't real gym, like the kind we took in middle school, but it was called Lifetime fitness and was meant for people like me who do not enjoy the competitiveness of real gym.

I thought I was going to hate it and in some ways I did. I hated the fact that I had to take it with my newly titled ex-best friend and I hated the fact that when I do athletic activities my face gets as red as a tomato and everyone stares at me as though I'm a freak.

But I love the people I met. That class is where I met my best friend J.

Do you remember how we used to stay up late talking about boys, I feel like those are all lies now that I know what I know but at the time they were some of the best memories we had. You had a major crush on Giggles and for the longest time I thought you guys would end up together and get married and have little giggly babies. I don't think that anymore. Congratulations by the way. You know you could have told me. We could have talked about it together. Figured it out together. That's what best friends are for. 

Those talks always had one element to them. The fact that neither of us had any guy friends. Do you remember how badly I wanted a guy best friend. I know that the boys on my bus were kind of guy friends but I had a crush on 2/5 of them so I don't think they counted.

Well in January I got myself a guy best friend. He is an amazing guy, and he's 1/3 people who I've ever told the full story of what happened between you and I. He is a really good listener and he's great at cheering me up.

The only problem... I know he's my best friend and I know I'm his best friend and I know that we both love each other and yet I'm still insecure. I'm still afraid that when he's joking with me that there is some sort of secret meaning behind his words. And I'm afraid that when I go off on a long rant that he is secretly "annoyed" with me. I constantly say sorry, for things that I shouldn't feel sorry for.

But he's really accepting. He understands that I'm super insecure especially since I told him why and he's really good about making me feel better. Since we've become friends my self confidence has jumped greatly. He makes me feel like I'm not as annoying as I think I am. He says that he loves my "immaturity" because if I wasn't immature I wouldn't laugh at his jokes. He tells me that I shouldn't say sorry so much but he understands why I do it and he's never made me feel less about myself.

I could spend hours bragging about how amazing he is. I could tell you about all the times I've cried in front of him and how he stayed up late just to make sure I was okay, but I won't because you probably don't care and don't want to know.

I stink at exiting. More to come.

Sincerely,

SMD

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