Dear Kayla

The other side of the story.


5. F I V E

June 14, 2017

Dear Kayla,

​For two years I've been thinking about all the things I'd tell you if I ever got the chance and here it is, my chance and my mind is going blank.

I never thought this opportunity would arise and now that it has I feel completely numb.

Did you know I always thought that you would be there at my wedding. That I wrote in my diary that you and E and C would end up as my bridesmaids and that you would be my maid of honor. I was a big dreamer back then. I believed that nothing would change. I was young and naïve.

I remember sitting on the porch at my Grandma's house one morning and my youngest cousin was sitting there with us and he was going into fifth grade at the time and he was talking all about his best friends, throwing out names left and right and there had to be about 15 names. I remember laughing and my grandma looked at me kind of funny and I explained. "I wish he could stay this young forever. I wish he didn't have to grow up and learn that people change and the people who are your friends now aren't going to be there forever." and I constantly worry about this with my little brother. He's going into 6th grade next year and he changed schools last year and he's having trouble. He still prefers to hang out with all the people from his old school rather than those at his new school and I worry about him. He thinks that he will always have that group but the fact is, he's going to lose them someday.


I've blamed you for a lot of the things that have happened in my life. I've blamed you for my anxiety. I'll never be able to forget the things you said to me. "annoying" and "immature" have and always will echo through my head whenever I meet people. I will always apologize for the little things and I will always be afraid that I'm secretly annoying the people I love. It's not fair to blame it all on you and I know that. I've been hurt by a lot of people.

You were the first one that actually affected me. And you were the one that hurt the most.

We were best friends and practically sisters for seven years. We grew up together. We went through our awkward phases together. We shared a bond that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to find with anyone else. We met because we were bullied by the same girl and that connection that we shared is what allowed me to open myself up to wholeheartedly, totally, and completely.

We had our ups and our downs but we were always there through the tough times. And that's why your words meant so much to me. That's why they impacted me so much. Because I had instilled so much trust in you and then your words cut like knives and daggers. You were everything to me and when someone like that tells you all these bad things about you, even if they didn't mean them, you are going to believe them. And the two weeks we were fighting, you said some pretty bad things and whenever I apologized you just kept piling them ontop of one another.

That's the reason I'm afraid to trust people.

S, my best from theatre, is the first person I've let in who has stayed. She graduated this year and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose her because I know how it is. E and I promised we'd still be best friends even miles a part and the last time we spoke was on my birthday, and the last time before that was her birthday. So as much as I love S, she's leaving for college soon.

J, is my best friend. I can't imagine the pain that I will be in if I ever lose him. My heart will literally be torn in pieces if I lose him. The other night he found this thing on snapchat that he sent to me and it was "confession night" and we told each other exactly what we thought about each other. He told me that I was a ruby. And I was confused until I looked up the meaning behind ruby and it said that rubies are actually imperfect but that's what makes them beautiful. I don't think he actually realizes how much that meant to me. He is so sweet. You probably would love him.

One more chapter to come.



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