Harry Potter, Unexpected Animagus

With the love of a good woman, Harry becomes more confident and learns to handle the embarrassment that comes from being a teenage boy as well as an unexpected animagus. Set during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Severe Ron bashing ahead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9051968/1/Harry-Potter-Unexpected-Animagus

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4. Chapter 4

The breakfast finally wound down with Remus making it a point to not even look at a sausage for the remainder of the meal. Harry on the other hand had several servings of sausage, bacon, steak and eggs, and a small bit of fruit. For some reason, his usual favorite of pancakes with syrup just didn't sound good to him. The group got up and left the Great Hall with Neville taking the lead. Luna Lovegood got up from the Ravenclaw table and tagged along with her new friends from Gryffindor.

Once they were well on their way to the classroom on the 6th floor that Professor McGonagall had set aside for the group's use, the twins shared a guilty look and jogged ahead to catch up with Neville. When they caught up with him, Fred stopped the young man by placing his hand gently on Neville's shoulder. "Hey Neville, wait up a bit," Fred requested softly.

"Sure, wh-what's up?" Neville cautiously replied. He had worked hard on getting rid of his stutter, but he found it still cropping back up under times of stress. He classified being singled out by the two Clown Princes of Hogwarts as definitely something to stress out over. His anxiety lessened a little when he saw the genuine look of remorse on the twins faces.

George started the explanation. "We were reviewing our broadcast of the first task to see how we did and what we could do better for the second task…" he stated.

"When we realized that you were probably listening in on your Wizard Wireless in the stands," Fred finished for his twin. "It was never our intention to offended anyone who didn't deserve it, but then it dawned on us that we may have offended you by accident," he said.

"For that we're very sorry," the twins announced in unison.

Neville thought back to the broadcast and couldn't think of anything that would have even remotely offended him. He found the fake commercials about a certain potions professor funny enough to make him laugh himself out of his seat. "No worries, guys. I wasn't offended at all," he told them.

The twins shared a look of relief between themselves before patting Neville on the back. "See George, I told you he was a decent bloke and wouldn't hold it against us," George said.

"No Fred, I told you he was thick skinned and wouldn't let something like that bother him," Fred replied.

Neville smiled back at the twins and asked, "Just out of curiosity, what part did you think I would be offended at?"

"The parts about Snape since you know… with you being bent and all," Fred replied.

"WHAT!?" Neville yelled, taking a step back from the twins in shock. "I'm not gay!" he nearly shouted.

George held up his hands in a calming gesture. "Neville, it's ok. We all know and there is no reason for you to hide it anymore," he said in a reassuring voice.

Fred waved his hand between himself and his twin. "Just so you know, WE will not think any differently about you and we will still be your friends," he stated firmly. George nodded his head in agreement.

"I'm not gay!" Neville repeated.

Hermione and Harry had been sitting back, listening in and not knowing what to say. Hermione saw the look of confusion in Neville's face and decided to try and clear things up. "For your information you two, we don't know that Neville is gay. It's only been assumed up to this point," she reminded the twins.

"Wh-What?!" Neville stammered, not believing his ears.

Hermione gave Neville a little smile. "Like the twins said, not one of us will think any differently about you and we will always be your friends. It's ok to come out of the closet," she told him reassuringly.

Neville held up one hand for Hermione to stop while he used the other to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Just wait a tick," he ordered and tried to get his thoughts together. "Why do you all think I'm bent?" he inquired.

Everyone but Harry looked at each other before speaking. For his part, Harry was just leaning on the wall watching how this all played out with his expression carefully neutral. Hermione took a deep breath and spoke first. "Well Neville, I've been to your dorm room several times over the years," she started to say. "...shut it you!" she snarled at the large black dog that had begun to bark lightly as if laughing. Hermione ignored Padfoot and went on speaking. "Well, Neville, your area is immaculate. You always keep everything so nice and tidy unlike your dorm mates," she told Neville.

Fred jumped in next. "And you enjoy gardening more than Quidditch. Not that there's anything wrong with that," he explained hastily. "We know Hermione only goes to watch the games because Harry is in them," he added.

George let loose with the last bit of evidence. "And well, you know there's your name. I mean… 'Neville'… come on, your parents must have had some seer blood to name you that. The only names we can think of that sound more bent are Lucius and Bruce," he told the younger Gryffindor.

"I get Lucius sounding fairly bent, but why Bruce?" Harry inquired. When he thought about it, he realized none of the wizards he knew or had even heard of were named Bruce.

Fred and George shrugged their shoulders. "Not really sure to be honest," George said.

"It's just been a name associated with being bent in the wizarding world for as long as anyone could remember," Fred stated. Remus and Padfoot nodded their heads in agreement.

Hermione rolled eyes at the rest of the group. "Honestly… am I the only one who has read Hogwarts: a History?" she sighed loudly. When she saw everyone was looking at her, she went on. "In 1413 there was a Hogwarts Headmaster who was later referred to as Bruce the Barmy Buggerer. He received that title after he admitted that he spent his Summer holidays trying to accomplish his lifetime goal of having sex with at least one male member of every magical species, sentient or not. His quest ended tragically in 1415 during a full moon when he tried to add a werewolf to his list," she explained.

Harry raised his hand and asked, "Can I be the first to say that's gross? No offense, Moony."

Remus nodded and offered, "None taken, Harry. I second the motion that the concept of a buggering magical creatures is gross and more than a bit disturbing. All in agreement raise their hands," he suggested. Padfoot sat on his haunches and raised a paw while everyone else raised a hand. "Motion passes, we shall never speak again of Bruce the Barmy Buggerer," he proclaimed with a shudder.

Luna muttered under her breath, "Silly Gryffindors," and shook her head slightly in amusement. She gave them her usual dreamy smile and stepped forward. "Instead of working with just assumptions, perhaps it would be easier to simply perform a simple experiment and make a judgement based off of the results provided," she suggested clearly showing her Ravenclaw nature.

"Wh-what d-d-do you have in mind, Luna?" Neville stuttered.

Luna shrugged her shoulders and replied, "This." She rushed forward and pinned Neville up against the wall with her body. Before he could react, she pressed her lips against his. Soon after, she slipped her tongue between his lips and deepened the kiss. For a moment, Neville just stood there unable to move in shock. Soon however, he closed his eyes and got into the swing of things, kissing Luna back. Neville's eyes sprung open and widen to almost house elf sized proportions when Luna shot her hand down his school trousers and gave his other wand a good squeeze.

Luna pulled her hand out of Neville's trousers and took a step back. She noticed that everyone else in the hallway were looking at her in shock as if she had a snorlack sitting on her shoulder. With a shrug she gave them the results of her experiment. "While there is no way to rule out whether or not Neville is bisexual, I can state with relative certainty that Neville does in fact enjoy intimate physical contact with females," she told them.

Fred blinked a few times and then softly asked, "Dear brother, did I just see Luna give Neville's beater bat a pre-game game check up?"

"From the look on Nev's face, I think she also made sure he was using a set of regulation quaffles as well," George replied.

Harry stood up from leaning on the opposite wall and walked over to the twins with his hand out. "Pay up," was all he said. Fred and George each dug into their pockets and pulled out a silver sickle and handed them over to Harry, never once taking their eyes off of Neville. Harry slipped the coins into his pocket and then gave Neville a nod and a wink. "Never doubted you, Nev," he said proudly.

His blush rapidly reaching a near dangerous Weasley level, Neville nodded back to Harry. "Um… if you would all excuse me, I'm going to uh… that is… well, I'm going to go take a shower," he blurted out quickly before spinning around and heading off to the Gryffindor tower as fast as the pressing matter in his trousers would let him.

Harry watched Luna's face take on a look of hurt before she plastered on her usual mask of dreamy obliviousness. He leaned over to her and whispered in her ear, "I would be willing to bet my broom that Nev's not racing to the showers to wash because he feels dirty that you kissed him. I'm pretty sure he's off to uh… polish his wand so to speak."

Luna's brows creased in confusion as she tried to understand what proper wand maintenance had anything to do with what she had just done. After a moment, her literal thinking mind remembered that people often spoke about one thing while describing something else… a metaphor she thought they were called. When she thought of it that way, she realized what Harry was trying to say.

"Oh! You mean that since Neville was obviously sexually excited by me kissing him and then grabbing his penis, he has gone off to relieve that tension by masturbating in the shower," Luna surmised loudly. Before Harry could reply she added, "That sounds like a good idea. I think I shall go back to my room and use my new Harry Potter brand vibrating wand to give myself a few good orgasms. Goodbye, Harry Potter, Hermione, Twins, no longer Prof. Lupin, and a black dog who isn't really a dog but really Stubby Boardman in disguise." She waved goodbye and quickly skipped down the hall on her way to the Ravenclaw Tower.

The group stood still trying to process what they had just seen. Eventually Hermione folded her arms and turned to look at her boyfriend. "Alright mister, spill," she ordered.

Harry smirked and replied, "I'm a very light sleeper and Neville talks in his sleep. I've heard him mention both Luna and Ginny in his sleep. The next morning he usually has to hit both his sheets and pajamas with a scourgify. I overheard the twins talking about them thinking Neville was bent and how they felt bad that they might have offended him. It wasn't too hard to get them to agree to a bet on whether or not Neville was gay." He frowned for a moment before he asked, "Why would Luna have a vibrating wand? Wouldn't that make casting a spell almost impossible? And also… Why does it have my name attached with it? I never gave permission to anyone to use my name on anything."

Hermione blushed and glanced at her feet in embarrassment. She happened to own a top of the line Harry Potter vibrating wand. In fact, it was her third one since she had worn out the others. "I'll explain later," she muttered to Harry. With a bit of a devious smirk she added, "What I will say is that you are absolutely correct. When used properly, it is nearly impossible to cast any kind of spell with those wands or even make any coherent thoughts."

"You mean it also casts a confundus curse on the person using it?" Harry asked, his face looking horrified.

"Um… something like that," Hermione answered with another blush.

Remus started chuckling to himself and then laughed out loud while Padfoot's tail wagged so fast it was a blur. "I can't believe Harry managed to prank the twins and have a line of witch's helpers named after him. Prongs would be so proud," Remus sniffed, wiping a tear of pride from his eye.

The tender moment was broken by Professor Flitwick running up to them and skidding to a halt. "Oh good, I've found you, Mr. Potter!" he exclaimed while catching his breath. "A representative from Gringotts just flooed the headmaster's office and demanded to speak with you. He seemed very angry and wouldn't take no for an answer. Professor Dumbledore finally relented and gave permission for the goblin to use his office for a meeting with you," he explained. When no one moved, Flitwick put his hands on his hips. "What are you waiting for… move! You should never keep a goblin waiting!" he ordered.

Curious as to what was going on (and not totally trusting Dumbledore where Harry was concerned), Remus and Padfoot followed Harry to the Headmaster's office. When they reached the stone gargoyle in front of Dumbledore's office, the twins broke off to go plot a prank to get back at Harry for tricking them. Hermione started to go off with them before Harry grabbed her hand. "I would rather my brilliant girlfriend come with me on this. Who knows what kind of trouble I could into without you there. You're the only one I know who actually stays awake in Binns' classes on Goblin Rebellions," he pleaded with a wink. "Besides, it's not like I plan on there ever being any secrets between us," he added. Hermione squeezed his hand in thanks as the stone gargoyle stepped aside.

Once the group was inside the office, they found a goblin wearing a dark business suit seated behind Dumbledore's desk. The Headmaster was standing to the side of the desk near Fawkes who was sitting regally on his golden perch. Professor McGonagall was standing near the floo with her usual stoic gaze. Professor Flitwick followed Lupin and the huge black dog into the room and then stood near the door. The little Charms teacher was shocked when the dog transformed in a black blur leaving Sirius Black looking rather confused. Considering none of the other people in the Headmaster's office seemed concerned that a mass murder and the supposed betrayer of the Potters was in their midst, Flitwick decided to just remain quiet and see how things played out.

Sirius stepped forward to get a better look at the goblin behind Dumbledore's desk. When he finally recognized the goblin, his eyebrows rose in surprise. "Knutsack?!" he wondered out loud. Harry and Hermione looked at Sirius as if he had gone insane, wondering why he was insulting the goblin. Sirius pointed at the goblin. "That's his name… Knutsack. He's the youngest of three brothers: Galleonchest, Sicklebag, and Knutsack," he explained.

Stepping closer, Sirius looked the goblin over and then motioned towards Knutsack's head. "I almost didn't recognize you since you trimmed off your ear hair. I bet all the goblin ladies just can't resist running their hands all over a freshly shaved Knutsack," he said with a suggestive wink.

Knutsack leaned forward and rested his forehead in his hands wearily. "Black… I should have known this day was just going to get worse," he moaned. He straightened up and glared at Sirius. "Shouldn't you be in Azkaban?" Knutsack snarled.

"I got bored so I let myself out," Sirius replied with a shrug. Looking over the goblin once more, he put a fake frown on his face. "Are you getting enough rest? You're looking a little droopy there, Knutsack," he stated.

Harry stepped forward and raised his hand to be noticed. When the goblin looked up at him, Harry spoke. "On behalf of the rest of wizarding kind I would just like to apologize for the behavior of Sirius Black. We only recently got him housebroken again," he said solemnly.

Sirius shot Harry a dirty look. "A few accidents while in dog form and they never let you live it down," he muttered under his breath. His expression brightening, Sirius stepped back and stood next to Harry. "Where are my manners?" he asked rhetorically. "I should introduce you two since this fine goblin is in charge of the Potter accounts. Senior Account Manager Knutsack, may I present Harry Potter, son of James and Lily Potter. Harry… Knutsack," he proclaimed, waving his arm between the goblin and his godson.

Remus leaned over and whispered to Sirius, "How long have you been waiting to say that?"

"14 years, so don't ruin the moment!" Sirius hissed back quietly.

Knutsack motioned towards the two chairs in front of the desk. Taking the hint, Harry and Hermione sat down. "Like Harry said, sir, we would like to apologize for Mr. Black's making fun of your name," Hermione said sincerely. Harry nodded his head in agreement.

Knutsack chuckled before responding. "If it were any other wizard, I would have removed my name sake from him, but I know how this juvenile in a man's body operates. It is only the fact that he treats me with the same respect as he showed his best friend that has stayed my blade," he replied. "Besides, I always feel a bit better when I think about how that odd bit of hair surrounding a goblin's rectum is referred to as a 'sirius'," he said with a straight face. Flitwick's snicker was the only sign that Knutsack might be joking. From the sour look on Sirius' face, it was clear he didn't know if he was being pranked or not. "I also find it amusing that humans are still using my name as a euphemism for a scrotum. It's good to see that wizards are able to retain some lessons after how hard we fought to teach them," Knutsack said.

Knowing that she really was the only one in the last century to stay awake for all of Professor Binns' classes, Hermione decided to explain. "The term Knutsack being used for scrotum came about during the Goblin / Wizard conflict of 1628. I say conflict because I disagree with calling these armed conflicts 'Rebellions'. The goblins have never actually been under the rule of human wizards and therefore could not truly being rebelling," she stated.

Knutsack gave Hermione an appraising glance and nodded happily to himself. His contacts had told him much about this young witch. She was reported to be frighteningly smart and hated any kind of unequal treatment of any sentient. Knutsack wondered, not for the first time, if there was any truth to the goblin legend that the Morgan le Fey herself had enchanted the Potter line so that the male heirs would only find and marry the brightest, most caring witch of their generation and never be satisfied with anyone else.

"During the conflict of 1628, it became a common custom of the goblins to cut off the scrotum of any wizard who tried to cheat them or even just annoyed them greatly. The goblins would then tan the skin and use them for coinpurses - knutsacks so to speak," Hermione continued to explain. All of the males in the room except for Flitwick and Knutsack flinched and unconsciously crossed their legs.

Knutsack let there be an uncomfortable silence for a few moments while the wizards looked very much at unease. "Enough happy thoughts of the glorious days of yore. Let's get down to why I was forced to come to Hogwarts to have this meeting," he said, clearly annoyed. He stared at Harry and was surprised when the young wizard didn't flinch. "Mr. Potter, I can understand you not responding to the occasional request I have sent you over the years. I know how you wizards find dealing with us nothing more than a tiresome chore, but I can't fathom why you have failed to respond to the numerous summons we have issued since your 14th birthday this last summer. I sent these summons attached to your monthly statements so I know you should have received them," Knutsack chided sharply.

Dumbledore frowned down at Harry. "I'm very disappointed in you, Harry. Part of growing up is accepting your growing responsibilities and your duties as the last Potter definitely fall into that category. As the last head of a very old and powerful family, it is your duty to go over every monthly statement from Gringotts to make sure they are following your wishes in regards to the Potter fortune," he said, shaking his head sadly.

Before Harry could respond, Professor McGonagall spoke up. "Before you go any farther, Albus, I should point out that since Harry has come to Hogwarts I have never once seen a Gringotts' owl come to Harry. I should know, I always try and keep an eye out for my cubs," she said challengingly.

Dumbledore gave her a satisfied smile. "Of course you haven't seen any Gringotts' owls for Harry. The only owls that I have allowed through the owl redirection wards that I placed on Harry are Hedwig and a very select few other owls from families and individuals that I am sure won't be a danger to him," he explained.

"And how exactly was Mr. Potter supposed to receive his monthly statements and any other correspondence from Gringotts?" Knutsack asked dangerously.

"By the usual Gringotts' owl of course! … oh wait… oh… oops," Dumbledore replied as he realized his mistake, looking slightly embarrassed. A glance over at Knutsack who had his hand on his dagger and was staring at Dumbledore's crotch lent some urgency to the matter. "I think I shall leave this meeting in the capable hands of my Deputy Headmistress while I go and adjust the wards I set up when I dropped off Harry with his loving relatives all those years ago," he said brightly. A pair of very canine like growls from both Remus and Sirius made him rethink that plan as well. "Or perhaps I shall go take down the ward all together," he said quickly as he picked up the hem of his robe and hurried out of his office.

"Arrogant or just senile?" Knutsack asked the group.

"Arrogant!" Sirius and Remus snarled while McGonagall and Flitwick moaned, "Senile!"

Knutsack shook his head and then looked back over at Harry. "My apologies, Mr. Potter. We at Gringotts have known for a while that Dumbledore has been responsible for irregularities in the past, but never thought it had become this bad," he admitted. "Do you prefer Mr. Potter or the-boy-who-lived as many in the wizarding world refer to you?" he inquired.

"No apologies needed, Senior Account Manager Knutsack, and please, call me Harry," Harry replied with a smile.

"Very well, Harry. You may refer to me as Knutsack since I also find hyphenated names annoying. I myself have been known as He-who-has-quite-the-collection-of-wizard-scrotums-on-display-in-his-quarters," Knutsack joked. He sat back down at Dumbledore's desk and then leaned over to pick up a small wooden chest bound with metal bands. "Just so you know, this was supposed to happen on your 14th birthday, Harry," he stated. Knutsack sighed deeply and pulled out a sheet of parchment from his jacket pocket. "This was written by your father in case he passed beyond and was unable to be there for you," he told Harry. Knutsack then read the words he had been instructed to say in accordance to the will of the late James Potter. "Today marks a great day for you, Harry James Potter. Today you turn 14 and by the traditions of the great and terrible Marauders, you are offered admission to into our secret brotherhood. Inside this chest lays the greatest treasure of the Marauders and a few memories set aside for you should I not be able to guide you in the mysterious ways of the Marauders. Hopefully Moony, Padfoot, or Wormtail are still there to tell you how to open this chest that can only be opened by those who have the heart of a Marauder. If my brothers have joined me in what Dumbledore calls 'the next great adventure' then ask Minerva. She has known this whole time and never let on she knew. I like to think of her as the foundation that the Marauders grew from. Anyway, this chest and what lies inside now belongs to you, Harry," Knutsack read. He paused for a moment, grabbed something else out of his coat pocket, and rolled his eyes. "Mazal Tov," he said blandly and tossed a handful of confetti over his shoulder. Knutsack stood up from behind the desk and made his way to the floo. "With that, Harry, I take my leave. Time is money and I've spent enough here," he said. He turned a sharp gaze onto McGonagall. "I trust there will be no further interference with the communications between Gringotts and our client," he snarled.

McGonagall nodded in assent. "If I find out there is interference thanks to a certain professor, I will personally drag him by his… coinpurse… into the bank and let you deal with him," she offered. Knutsack nodded back, tossed some powder into the fire, spoke a phrase in Gobbledegook, and stepped through the glowing green flames. Harry looked over his shoulder at his godfather and honorary uncle once the goblin had left, questions in his eyes.

"It was the summer before our fourth year that the James, Sirius, and the rat found out their animagus forms and we decided on our nicknames. It was also the year we chose to start calling ourselves the Marauders," Remus explained. He gave Harry a proud but slightly sad smile. He pointed to the chest and gently said, "I believe you already know the password, Harry."

Harry nodded once and stood up slowly. He took one step towards the desk and drew his wand. He placed the tip of his wand on top of the chest. "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good," Harry whispered. A small click was heard from inside the chest and the lid opened up by itself. Every one crept closer to look at what was contained inside.

"I thought that had been destroyed in the house at Godric Hollow," Remus muttered reverently.

Minerva McGonagall gave out a very feline hiss of fear as she caught site of the main thing in the chest. "By Helga's Huge Hooters," she swore. "Please tell me that isn't what I think it is. I'm not sure my heart can take that thing being back in the castle," she pleaded.

Harry looked between his Head of House and his one time teacher. He looked closer at what the chest held. Along with a small crystal vial full of a gray, swirling liquid there was a plain journal bound in simple brown leather. "Um… no offense to the Marauders, but that looks an awful lot like a diary and ever since my second year, diaries give me the creeps," he said in an offhand manner. Harry picked up the crystal vial. "I definitely don't trust a potion I don't recognize," he added.

McGonagall's eyes had gone a little misty when she looked at the vial. "That's not a potion, Mr. Potter. That's a pensive memory. I would gather it's a memory your father left just for you," she told Harry.

Remus laid his hand down gently on the book in the chest. "And this isn't a diary, Harry. This is the Marauder Notebook. It contains notes on all of our pranks. All of the potion work, charms, and transfigurations that went into some of the greatest pranks of all time," he said fondly as he picked up the journal. "It is my great honor to hand this over to you, Harry, however, we haven't come up with a name for you yet," Remus told him, his eyes dancing with mischief.

"Very good point, Moony," Sirius agreed. "Hmm… let me think. Scales… no too Slytherin sounding. Flamer? No wrong connotation I think. Draco's taken and it's too similar to Flamer. Bolt? No, that's too obvious considering the scar is the first thing the sheeple look at," Padfoot muttered loudly.

Hermione chuckled when she thought about how Harry had a problem containing his dragon flame while in his animagus form. "Scorch!" she blurted out.

"Scorch… I like it," Sirius agreed.

"Wait a minute. Don't I get say?" Harry begged.

"Of course you don't, Harry," Hermione replied. "You can't pick your own nickname. Look at the rat. You don't think he chose to be called Wormtail do you?" she countered.

"It is decided. Scorch, son of Prongs, welcome to the Marauders!" Remus declared and thrust the journal at Harry.

Harry took the journal and smiled despite his nickname. When he thought about it, he doubted his father had wanted to be called Prongs after all. "Thanks, guys," he said with all of his heart.

Professor mcGonagall sighed loudly. "Mr. Potter, if I have a heart attack brought on by you sharing that journal with a certain set of twins, I will come back and haunt you!" she threatened. Her words lost their menace when her lips twitched into a slight smile while she said it.

Professor Flitwick was grinning from ear to ear. The identity of the Marauders was the worst kept secret on the staff back when they were in school. As their Charms Professor, he had always admired the artistry the boys had put into their pranks and was hoping Harry would let him look at the journal. He also looked forward to Harry and Hermione (he was too much of a realist to not expect her to help the man she loved) to take the advanced work done by the Marauders and use it to build upon and come up with even greater examples of applied Charms. "This definitely calls for a celebration! House elves, some party refreshments, please," he called out.

Several small tables appeared around the office. On them were slices of cake and bottles of butterbeer. McGonagall picked up a bottle and toasted James and the Marauders by tapping her bottle against Flitwick's. She had nearly finished her drink when she looked over at Harry and realized he was just finishing a piece of cake. "MR. POTTER! What are you doing?!" she exclaimed as she rushed over to her cub. Harry's look of confusion told her that he had no idea what she was talking about. She glared at Sirius. "I know you have a questionable sense of humour, but I would think that even you would have warned Harry about his new dietary restrictions!" she scolded him.

"Huh?" Sirius replied.

McGonagall rolled her eyes in annoyance. "The dietary changes brought on by his body meshing with his animagus form!" she huffed. "Are you trying to tell me you have no idea what I'm talking about?" she demanded.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "My animagus form is a dog. They'll eat anything," he admitted.

"I'll say. I remember that one time I walked in on you performing oral sex on Miss Gertren during our 7th year," Remus reminded his old friend. Looking over at Harry, Remus explained, "Imagine if Crabbe and Goyle had an illegitimate love child who happened to be a girl." Hermione and Harry turned a bit green at the thought.

"I was drunk and it was dare," Sirius whined.

McGonagall sighed wearily. "If I had a galleon for every time I heard that from you in my office…" she muttered. "Did it never occur to you ask why James became a vegetarian during his 4th year?" she asked.

Sirius and Remus nodded their heads when the pieces fell together. "I just thought he was trying to impress the ladies or something," Sirius admitted. Harry's sudden pained expression distracted the old Marauder. "Harry, are you okay?" he asked, placing his hand on his godson's shoulder.

McGonagall placed her hand on Harry's other shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Harry. I thought Sirius or Moony would think of explaining this. This… this won't be very pleasant I'm afraid," she told him. "Like me, your animagus form is primarily a carnivore and therefore lacking the proper metabolism to break down wheat," she explained.

As if on cue, Harry doubled over as pain in his stomach flared. A loud thrrrrrrrrrp sounded from his lower half. Remus, his werewolf senses being enhanced even in his human form, staggered backwards. "Godds, Harry!" he swore.

The rest of the people stepped away from Harry as they registered the foul smell. The stench drifted over to Fawkes who went rigid with one eye twitching for a moment. Eventually the phoenix's eyes rolled back in his head and he fell off his perch backwards.

"Slytherin's saggy scrotum, Harry! Give a guy a warning!" Sirius demanded between coughs as he held his hand up to his nose to block the smell.

Instead of replying, Harry bent over again in pain. This time his loud fart was accompanied by a jet of flame coming from his backside. Luckily he was far enough from any of the bookcases to set anything on fire. A sudden white light started to form around Harry for a second time. Hermione recognized the light and rushed to Harry despite his smelly condition. "You're not going anywhere without me, Potter!" she announced as she wrapped her arms around Harry. The light continued to grow even more intense until everyone had to close their eyes. A familiar 'boing' sounded as the light faded away. Both Harry and Hermione had disappeared as the castle sent them away for both their safety as well as Hogwarts'.

**Unexpected Animagus**

The light faded away and Hermione found herself holding Harry in the Forbidden Forest. They were in the middle of a different clearing from the one they had found Harry in the day before. Harry gave Hermione a panicked look before he ran off to put a line of trees between himself and her. The groans, grunts, and other unpleasant noises told Hermione she should give Harry his privacy.

While Harry was in the throws of his body purging the wheat out of his system, one of the magically enchanted squirrels came out from the tree line dragging a leaf full of nuts behind it. When it saw Hermione, the squirrel stopped and glared at her. It put one tiny paw on its hip and pointed back towards Harry with the other. A stream of squeaks and chirps let Hermione know the squirrel was quite put out. "I'm getting as bad as Luna," Hermione moaned when she realized she was about to try and have a conversation with a squirrel. "Come on, it can't be that bad," she told the squirrel.

A loud boom accompanied by a small mushroom cloud drifting up beyond the the tops of the trees cut her argument short. Harry's moan of, "That is sooo not right," let her focus back on the squirrel.

"Here let me help you with that," Hermione offered as she cast a featherlight charm on the nuts and the leaf. Once the squirrel was safely on the other side of the clearing, Hermione called out to Harry, "Are you okay, Harry?!"

"Not really. At least I can now say I know what brimstone looks like," Harry yelled back. "I would kiss Fluffy for a bogroll right now," he complained.

"You could always transfigure something into one," Hermione suggested.

A few moans and other disgusting sounds kept Harry from responding right away. Eventually he said, "I would, but all I have near me is a bunch of pinecones. I'm afraid that in my state my transfiguration won't hold and the bogroll will revert back in mid-wipe."

Hermione grimaced at that thought. "Ouch," she whispered. She snapped her fingers when a solution occurred to her. "Dobby, Harry Potter needs your help!" she shouted out.

With a quiet crack, Dobby the house elf appeared at the end of the tree line where he could see both Harry and Hermione. "Ack! The great Harry Potter is on fire!" the hyper house elf screamed. He snapped his finger and suddenly he was wearing a red firefighter helmet and was carrying a large, red muggle style fire extinguisher. "Don't worry, Harry Potter! Dobby will save yous, sir!" Dobby yelled and ran off to help Harry.

"Thanks, Dobby!" Harry said, sounding relieved. Suddenly Hermione heard Harry's voice take on a frightened tone as the sound of the fire extinguisher being used filled the clearing. "Dobby… what are planning on doing with that? Dobby… that's not where that goes… AHHHHHHHH! BAD TOUCH, DOBBY! BAD TOUCH!" he yelled.

Eventually the wheat made its way out of Harry's system and he managed to get himself away from Dobby "helping" him. Hermione heard a crack as the house elf disappeared. When Harry walked back around the tree line, Hermione saw his trousers were mostly burned away with what was left covered in white fire extinguisher powder. Even though his clothes were burned, Harry's skin looked like it hadn't ever been exposed to an intense fire. He made his way to her and then looked at the ground. "I wouldn't hold it against you if you wanted to reconsider being my girlfriend," he offered.

"Did you eat wheat on purpose?" Hermione asked.

"No, but I…" Harry started to reply before Hermione kissed him.

"I love you, Harry and it will take a lot more than apocalyptic level bowel movements to get rid of me," she laughed. With a mock serious look she added, "However, if after this you do eat wheat on purpose after we move in together, you are sleeping on the couch, mister!" She took his hand and they made their way back to the castle with Harry vowing to be careful with what he ate from then on.

 
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