Harry Potter, Unexpected Animagus

With the love of a good woman, Harry becomes more confident and learns to handle the embarrassment that comes from being a teenage boy as well as an unexpected animagus. Set during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Severe Ron bashing ahead.



3. Chapter 3

The morning after the first task found the four Tri-Wizard Champions assembling outside of the great hall before breakfast. The three headmasters had decided that the Champions would make a grand entrance into the hall together with the hopes that this would help put a better spin on the disaster that was the first task. All three of the headmasters had received more howlers overnight by owl than they had in the entire past year. They hoped that showing all four Champions were alive (or something relatively similar in Cedric's case) would alleviate some of the fears that the Tri-Wizard Tournament was nothing more than a public spectacle. Specifically, a morbid spectacle where the audience attended with hopes of watching a person die a painful, horrendous death just like the Roman Gladiator fights or American NASCAR races.

Cedric and Viktor had been the first two to arrive. Cedric no longer needed sleep and Viktor's nightmares about what had happened to him made him all the more eager to wake up as early as possible. Harry was the next to arrive. He took his place next to the older Hogwarts student. Fleur was the last to arrive. As she was walking up she snorted loudly and said in a snide voice, "Humph… I did not expect to see you so soon after being impaled by a dragon."

Harry sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "I've had worse," he replied truthfully.

Fleur leaned to the side and made a point of looking right at Harry. "Oh, hello Harry, I didn't see you there. How is your shoulder feeling?" she asked with a wink and a sassy smile. It took Harry a moment to realize her first comment had been aimed at Viktor and not him. Hermione had taken time between passionate snogs after he had regained his human form to give Harry a brief rundown of what had happened to the other Champions during the first task.

Viktor had come to the same conclusion as Harry and huffed angrily. The Durmstrang champion threw the doors to the great hall open and then stepped just inside to hold the door open for the other three Champions. Harry wondered about this sudden act of courtesy until he realized the Buggered Bulgarian (as the twins had started calling him) probably didn't feel comfortable with anybody or anything behind him.

To get his mind off that image, Harry looked around the great hall. He was no stranger to being stared at by the other students, but something was off this morning. He became a bit uncomfortable and slightly embarrassed when he realized most of the students and at least half of the school faculty were staring at his crotch. A quick glance down reassured him that the zipper on his trousers was up. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed that many of those staring had hungry, predatory looks in their eyes. For an instant, Harry wondered if this what it felt like to be a golden snitch.

Harry quickened his pace as he made his way to join his friends at the Gryffindor table. He was nearly at a run when he dropped into a seat between Neville and Hermione and across from the twins and Remus Lupin. A giant black dog was laying on the floor next to Remus and eating off of a plate left there for him by the house elves. As soon as he sat down, Harry looked around at his friends and then said, "I have two questions… the first one is what are you doing here in the castle, Prof. Lupin?"

"It's Remus or Moony, Harry. I haven't been your professor for a few months now. As for why I am staying in the castle with my faithful service dog, let's just say a certain Assistant Headmaster thought it was best that we stay here while you adjust to your… um… new condition," Remus replied. Harry nodded in understanding. "What is your second question?" Remus asked.

Harry blushed slightly before speaking. "Um… why was everyone in the great hall staring at my crotch when I walked in?" he inquired.

The twins nearly choked on their food and the rest of the crew of the Padfoot Pirate Broadcasting Channel suddenly became very quiet. "Um… you see…" George stammered.

"Yes… ahhh… well…" Fred added, showing he was equally as eloquent as his twin. Harry looked at the twins in turn and then at the rest of his friends as the table remained quiet.

Remus, still somewhat in the mindset of a teacher rather than a Marauder, racked his brains to come up with a delicate way of explaining that the twins had told everyone listening into the broadcast that Harry was extremely well hung. A flash of memory came to him and he smiled as he remembered summers spent with James and his parents at the Potter Estate. Both of the male Potters had been remarkably gifted below the waist. Harry's grandfather had jokingly referred to his son and him as "inheriting the Sword of Gryffindor." The boys had found that quite funny and after that point, James would always refer to his penis as the Sword of Gryffindor. It never dawned on Remus that because Harry was only one year old when his parents were killed he would have never heard that term.

Remus took in a deep breath and gently said, "The twins told everyone listening, that like most of the men in your family, you too inherited the 'Sword of Gryffindor'."

Harry was floored by that revelation. "My… my dad… also inherited the Sword of Gryffindor?" he inquired breathlessly. Knowing that his father had also held the legendary sword would be one of only a handful of links he had with his parents.

"Most definitely," Remus replied, nodding his head. The large black dog also nodded his head in agreement.

"Wow," Harry said absently as he let that sink in. Thinking of his own adventure with the sword, he asked, "Did my dad ever get a chance to use it?"

Snuffles had the poor timing to be eating a piece of bacon when Harry asked that question. He choked for a few moments and then coughed out the offending morsel. Snuffles looked up at Remus who was looking down at his friend. It wasn't a questioned either had expected from Harry. "Well, yes… after your parents were married, I suspects he used it quite a bit," Remus stated. With a hint of a grin he added, "We know for certain that he at least used it 9 months prior to your birth." Remus leaned back and waited for the blush to grow on Harry's cheeks as the young man caught on to what he was implying.

Instead of blushing, Harry just smiled. "I'm glad he was out of school before he had to use the Sword of Gryffindor," he told Remus. Harry again had a thoughtful look on his face before he spoke again. He was wondering the about the magic surrounding the relic of one of the founders of Hogwarts. "You said my dad used the Sword of Gryffindor after he graduated. Was he able to use it outside of Hogwarts?" he inquired.

"Yes, in fact I'm fairly certain he only used it outside of school," Remus lied. Snuffles let out a loud woof and Remus kicked him under the table. Harry didn't need to know that his parents had been intimate on numerous occasions before they had all graduated. Lily would often sneak into the boys' dorm and Remus learned quickly how to apply a double layered sound proofing spell if he wanted to get any sleep. Lily was the type of woman he had later learned was referred to as a screamer. Not sure he really wanted to know, Remus inquired, "Why do you ask?"

Just like in most of their classes, Hermione answered before Harry could. "With something as powerful as the Sword of Gryffindor, we weren't sure what its limitations, if any, it had. We know from Harry's experiences that he can use it on school grounds and now we know he can use it away from Hogwarts," she stated happily.

Remus was slightly confused. He had assumed that based on Harry's shy nature, the young man was still a virgin. The obvious answer popped into Remus' head when he remembered that Hermione and Harry had just started dating. "So Harry, just when was the first time you used the 'Sword of Gryffindor'?" he asked teasingly. Remus mistook Harry's shocked look for one of embarrassment.

"My second year of course," Harry replied.

It was now Remus' turn to look shocked. "Your second year?! How?! Why?!" he blurted out in disbelief. Horrible images of Snape having gotten Harry alone for an extended period of time swam through Remus' thoughts.

Harry was a very private person and had only told his friends and Prof. Dumbledore what had actually happened inside the Chambers of Secrets. He had assumed that the Headmaster had told Remus what had happened when the old Marauder had started teaching. "I'm sorry, I thought Prof. Dumbledore had already told you," Harry apologized. "It's how I killed the basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets," he explained.

"Prof. Dumbledore only told me you had killed a basilisk. He didn't go into details. Wait… You killed a basilisk with the 'Sword of Gryffindor'?" Remus inquired incredulously. Harry just nodded his head yes. During the previous year, Remus had spent quite a bit of time teaching Harry, both in class and during private tutoring sessions. Remus had never known Harry to exaggerate things that happened to him and instead usually downplayed them. "You're serious aren't you?" he asked.

Harry gave Remus a crooked grin and leaned across the table. "No, I'm Harry. He Sirious," he whispered and pointed down at the large, black dog. Said dog winked at Harry and wagged his tail.

Remus groaned and shook his head. "You would think by now I would quit walking into those," he muttered to himself. "What I meant to ask was whether or not you are telling me the truth about killing a basilisk with the 'Sword of Gryffindor'," he corrected. Remus looked to Hermione and Harry who both nodded their heads. Brows creased in thought, Remus tried to visualize how that could possibly work. Only one possible scenario seemed to make sense. "Must have been a very young basilisk," he stated.

"Why do say that, Professor?" Hermione asked, still not comfortable with being on a first name basis with one her teachers.

"Basilisks grow to immense size so only a young one would be small enough for Harry to dispatch with the 'Sword of Gryffindor'," Remus answered.

Hermione's expression grew cold as she stared at Remus. She still had nightmares about Harry being killed by the basilisk while she was petrified. "I wouldn't exactly call a 50 foot long serpent small, Professor," she chided him. Without waiting for Remus to respond, she grabbed Harry's arm and pulled back his sleeve. Pointing at the three inch scar on top of his forearm, Hermione snarled, "How big would you call the beast that left this scar with just one tooth?"

All of the color drained out of Remus' face as the reality of how close this young man had come to death set in. His brain struggled to make his earlier hypothesis match the evidence in front of him. "Merlin's saggy balls, Harry! How did you choke a 50 foot basilisk with the 'Sword of Gryffindor'?!" he blurted out.

Harry was surprised at this question. "The Sword of Gryffindor isn't nearly big enough to choke something that huge," he stated. Remus seemed to relax a little. "I killed the basilisk by ramming the Sword of Gryffindor through the roof of its mouth into its brain," he said matter of factly.

Remus' face looked a little ill as he tried to dislodge the image that brought forth. He stalled for time to think by placing a forkful of eggs in his mouth. "I knew Quidditch players developed strong hip muscles to keep them balanced on their brooms, but I never guessed they would be strong enough for that kind of thrust," he thought to himself. It was Remus' turn to choke on his food when Harry spoke again.

"You know, using the Sword of Gryffindor for the first time was really intense. The powerful feeling started the moment I pulled it out of the Sorting Hat," Harry stated, remembering that night.

George leaned over and pounded on Remus' back until the coughing stopped. When he was back under control, Remus inquired, "Did you just say you pulled the 'Sword of Gryffindor' out of the Sorting Hat?" Harry nodded his head yes. Remus remembered that the Sorting Hat was a very advanced bit of magic that had brought about sentience in the old hat. "Um… What does the Sorting Hat think of you sticking the 'Sword of Gryffindor' in him?" he asked.

"You know, it's kind of funny you asked that. I asked the Sorting Hat the same thing. I mean, it seemed kind of rude ramming something that size up into it," Harry said. "The Sorting Hat told me Godric was bored one night and came up with a way to enchant his hat so he could stick the Sword of Gryffindor in it whenever he felt like it. According to the Hat, he actually likes it when the Sword of Gryffindor is inside him. He says he feels pleasantly filled," Harry explained.

Remus held up his hands in front of his face and separated them until they were about as far apart as the main part of the sorting hat was wide. Something that wide wouldn't choke a huge basilisk, but it would choke just about anything smaller than a Nundu, humans included. He suddenly felt great trepidation for Hermione. After a moment, he looked back over at Harry. "Harry, I trust I don't need to tell you to be very, very careful when you are using the 'Sword of Gryffindor'. You don't want to hurt anyone," he warned.

"I know. Dumbledore told me the same thing once when I was swinging the Sword of Gryffindor around his office," Harry replied.

Remus wasn't sure what to think about that other than Harry truly was the son of the leader of the Marauders. The Marauders had done some audacious things during their time at Hogwarts, but nothing even close to whipping out their tools in the Headmaster's office in front of said Headmaster. "I'm impressed, Harry. Just out of curiosity, how many house points did you lose for that stunt?" he asked.

"None, it was Prof. Dumbledore's idea in the first place," Harry replied. "He said that I shouldn't swing the Sword of Gryffindor around in public, but that I should feel free to handle it in his office whenever I felt the desire. Prof. Dumbledore said it gave his old heart a thrill to see me with the Sword of Gryffindor in my hand," he told Remus.

Remus' eye narrowed in protective anger as he glanced up at the head table. "I can see Snape doing something like that, but would have never guessed Dumbledore would be into that sort of thing. I always guessed he was bent, but never suspected his interests ran to someone as young as Harry," he fumed silently. He took a calming breath and looked Harry in the eyes. "Harry, I don't know what the Headmaster has told you, but that sort of thing is usually done in private, or at least in semi-private like the shower stalls in the dorms," he said.

"The shower stalls must have been a lot larger when you were in school here. The way the shower stalls are now, there would be no way I could swing the Sword of Gryffindor without hitting one of the walls," Harry told Remus.

Remus' jaw dropped open and he looked down at Snuffles who was wearing an equally amazed expression. "No wonder the twins ran when they first saw the 'Sword of Gryffindor'," Remus joked, trying to get his mind around the thought of a tool that big.

George overheard Remus and shrugged his shoulders. "We've never actually seen the Sword of Gryffindor. Harry always says 'no' when we ask to play with it," he laughed.

Remus was now getting very confused. "You said yesterday you ran from the showers the first time you saw the 'Sword of Gryffindor'. Now youre telling me you haven't seen it. Which is it? I find it hard to believe that when showering in an a large open space like the locker room you wouldn't see it," he stated.

"Why would I need to be armed in the showers?" Harry asked, wondering what kind of things his parents had been forced to endure when they were at the school.

"Armed? Who said anything about being armed?" Remus asked in response.

Hermione was the first one to catch on the fact that they might be having two separate conversations. "Prof. Lupin… we've been talking about the sword presented to Godric Gryffindor by the Goblin Nation after he fought to protect them. What are you talking about?" she asked slowly.

Remus' face went blank as his mind tried to reboot. When it finally did, he sighed in relief. "Ohhh… you were talking about the actual Sword of Gryffindor. That makes so much more sense," he chuckled.

"Right. What were you talking about?" Hermione pressed again.

Remus blushed before answering. "I… uh… you see, your father and grandfather both used the euphemism 'Sword of Gryffindor' to talk about their penises," he explained.

"So you thought I was talking about my…" Harry started to say before he blushed a deep crimson. The twins caught on and broke out into howling laughter. Harry glared at the twin closest to him and asked, "OK, so if you didn't tell the Wizarding world I'm the heir of Gryffindor, what did you say?"

Fred wiped a tear of laughter from his eye. "Pretty much all we said was you have an enormous penis," he laughed.

As it is with all large gatherings, there is an ebb and flow to the general conversations and noise level. Unfortunately for Harry, it was in one of these low valleys of noise when most students were taking a sip from their goblets when he blurted out, "Come on guys! It's not that big. It's only eight maybe nine inches at most!" After the largest simultaneous spit take in Hogwarts history, all eyes locked onto Harry.

Sensing his friends great discomfort, Fred jumped up and yelled, "He was talking about his wand, you bloody perverts! Get back to eating!"

Most of the great hall sighed in relief while a few looked thoughtful as they went back to eating their breakfast and chatting with their friends. One of those who looked thoughtful and a little confused was Prof. Dumbledore. "Is everything alright, Albus?" Prof. McGonagall inquired.

Her voice brought the Headmaster back to the here and now. "What? Oh yes, I'm fine, Minerva. I was just questioning my memory. I could have sworn that Ollivander said Harry's wand was 11 inches during the wand weighing ceremony," he muttered.

"Ah… I see," Prof. McGonagall replied. She sat back in her chair and tried to process that bit of information. "Not that I'll ever complain, but how on earth does my star quidditch player manage to fly on a broom with that thing?" she wondered to herself.

Fred sat back down and looked downright shaken. "Are you saying that monster gets even bigger when hard?!" he whispered to Harry in alarm.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Honestly Fred (or George), that's a silly question. From what I've read, that's how most penises work," she told him. "I also read that the average penis size is around six inches, so while Harry's penis may be 30%-50% larger, it's definitely not the largest penis ever seen. Again, according to what I've read, the largest penis on record is around 13 inches," she said going into lecture mode. She stopped when she noticed that other than Harry, the rest of her friends looked like they had just come face to face with a mountain troll, something she knew from experience was terrifying.

"Are you trying to tell me that the average muggle is packing a whopping six inches of man meat under their belt?" George choked out.

"When aroused, yes," Hermione replied. "Why? Is it not the same in the wizarding world?" she inquired.

The wizards at the table looked at each other, waiting for one of the others to speak first. They all looked uncomfortable. "According to Wizards' Health Quarterly, the average wizard's staff is only about three inches. Four inches would make a really well hung wizard," George explained eventually.

Hermione gazed off into the distance as she mulled over this detail. Her face lit up when a very logical conclusion occurred to her. "That actually makes perfect sense. I'm sure by 'wizard' the magazine meant pure-blood wizard," she exclaimed.

"Yeah, more than likely. So what?" Fred challenged.

"There have been several studies done with animals in regards to inbreeding of the likes that comes from a small, closed population like the pure-bloods. One of the common results is some form of dwarfism. In this case, it manifests in a shrinking of the penis," Hermione explained. "There would always be a random throwback to early times like what showed up in Harry's father and grandfather. That combined with the muggle DNA, provided by Harry's mother, would account for Harry's extra large penis," she stated. She saw Harry blush again. "Sorry Harry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I was just trying to explain to our friends that you aren't some sort of freak. In fact you're far from it," she told him. Hermione looked back at Remus. "This also explains another HUGE issue in the wizarding world," she said.

His Marauder Sense kicking in, Remus caught himself asking, "What issue?"

Hermione gave him a mean smirk. "Why the pure-bloods have such a problem with muggle born and half-bloods, of course. They're all suffering from an extreme case of penis envy," she said.

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