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I am Kira. I am 1.

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4. Chapter Three

 

CHAPTER THREE

1...1...1...

Kira. Kira. Kira.

My name. Over and over again. It reverberated in my ears. Louder. And louder. And louder.

1....1.... 1... NO. Fight back, I needed to fight back.

I had to focus. Kira. I am Kira.

"Kira." A voice. It's Mag; again. I could hear her. "Open your eyes." Open my eyes, come on.

Mag.

"Wake up. Come on Kira. Please." She was scared and desperate. I knew this because I could feel her hand was shaking in mine.

Mag. I said it again, her name. Come on. I needed to open my eyes. I needed to fight back.

Bright light. I blinked. It was too bright, again. I squeezed her hand as I shut my eyes again. No, come on. Eyes. Open. Please. By this point desperation had set in.

Mag. Her face was swimming before my eyes. I took in her dark brown hair, her big eyes, blurred before my face. I blinked. Sharper focus, everything became clearer in my view.

Mag. My voice was hoarse and it faltered about as though I wasn't sure of what I was saying or of myself.

"It's okay, Kira. Keep calm."

I am calm, at that point was what I thought and told her. I made her almost laugh. At that happy, encouraging sound I forced my eyes more open. I moved my fingers, trying to move my whole arm as one message went through my head - fight back. I had to focus.

I kept on moving my fingers and slowly I started to be able to feel my arm. I bit my lip in concentration urging myself on in my brain. I could feel my legs now but I couldn't move them. I tried. I was finally able to move my feet. Mag squeezed my hand. "It's okay," she kept on telling me. But no, it's wasn't. What was happening?

I tried to move my legs again but it hurt as I was sore all over. I gasped out as pain rocketed through my leg which caused me to squeeze my eyes shut again.

"Keep still. Stay still, Kira," Mag told me to but I didn't want to. I wanted to move, I wanted to feel again. I shook my head at her and focused, my eyes still closed. Move. I told myself. MOVE.

I shifted my leg across ever so slightly. My eyes opened and I felt myself smiling in excitement. Come on, you can fight back my brain, said to me. I gathered my strength and tried to push myself up more but my arms were weak. I could hear Mag again and tried to block her out. She was only trying to tell me not to move but I wanted to move. I needed to move. I needed to feel properly.

I didn't understand what was happening, I couldn't think properly, I couldn't feel properly. I didn't feel as though I was me. I was not myself. I believed though that if I could just move that I could be myself. If I could just break free from the horrible suffocating feeling, pressing down on me, that kept me stuck, I thought that maybe I could feel like myself again.

I wanted to fight. I needed to be me again and I needed to move now.

"Kira," Mag said my name again. I blocked her out and focused. Come on, you can do this Kira, I told myself in my head. I had to focus. I tried to think of memories of being me, my life.

But I couldn't. It was like they were locked away. They were there, I know they were but I couldn't quite get to them, think them. They were blocked. All I could think of was a number, that one number. But why? Why 1? Over and over. Again and again. 1... 1.... 1...

No, no, no, don't. I stopped myself as I tried to focus on something else. I felt Mag's warm hand in mine and focused on her. I knew who she was but somehow, I couldn't quite remember her either. It was strange and as though the memories were there but they weren't. They were held back, by all those numbers, the 1's.

1... That one number. 1. Important? Why is it important? Why? 1... Why?... 1.... Me... No.

I am Kira.

1...

Stop this. I am Kira.

1... No! Kira.

1... No. Both...

1... No!

Kira.

Kira

Kira.

KIRA!

It was Mag's voice again as she was calling me. I felt her hand on the side of my face and focused on it. Focus. Focus. Focus.

I wrenched my eyes open. I was met with brightness but when everything focused again: Eyes. Big green eyes. Mag? No, it wasn't Mag this time. Mag has brown eyes. Those ones were green. Green eyes?

"It's me Kiddo." A male voice and then the whole face came into focus. Brown hair.

Kiddo? Kiddo... I remembered it. His voice. He was the only one to call me that. Kiddo.

"Hello, kiddo." Micah? Yes, it was Micah. His smile. His eyes. His voice.

Micah. I stuttered and the head above me nodded as his eyes sparkled.

"Yes, kiddo. It's Micah."

I smiled and he smiled back. Micah. I had to say his name again just to make me feel better as I looked up at him. He shifted his head slightly and I turned my head too, following him with my eyes. He was sat in a chair by the bed next to me.

It made me think. I looked round, back to where I was laying. A bed. I was laying in a white sheet covered bed. This wasn't home, for the first time I felt it, I was not at home. Where was I then? I felt panic coming up inside of me and the sound. The noise. The numbers... But I didn’t want unconsciousness again, I told myself to stay stable.

I looked back to Micah, he was watching me with his eyes. I focused on them. I talked to myself in my head. Focus Kira, focus. Don't let yourself be taken over. Don't close your eyes.

I stared at him and he smiled. I held onto that smile. 

"You know kiddo, pictures last longer." I watched his mouth move and form the words. His face. He was connected with the words I heard. I could hear them. He was the one saying them. They were not disconnected like Mag's words were. I knew he was saying them.

Mag? Where had she gone? I felt panicked again, looked around me. I couldn't see her. Mag.

I must have spoken out loud as he replied. "It's okay, Mag's still here, she's just talking to the doctor," Micah told me and I looked back to him. I sighed and felt my chest move up and down. It felt as though I was making the noise this time, it felt as though I was sighing. I suddenly in that moment felt as though I was more myself. I moved my mouth, I could feel my mouth and I wanted to speak, speak clearly. I cleared my throat.

I struggled for a minute. Words didn't want to come clearly. Finally, I said something which resembled speech more than before. "Doctor?" I questioned the word. I felt my mouth moving. The words were my words. I thought them, I said them, they came from my mouth. I was speaking.

"Doctor who?" He replied and laughed at as his own joke. I smiled slightly, feeling the stretch of skin, my skin. He turned serious. "Yeah, Doctor-something-or-other, I can't remember his name."

A doctor. Mag. Why was she talking to a doctor? Is she ill?

Then realization crept up on me. I looked around me, focusing on the whole of the room around me this time, for the first time. Beds, white sheet covered ones just like the one I was in. Big windows, bright sunlight streaming in. White walls. A door at the end, white, wooden. White.

I tried to move again but felt so weak. I wanted to see things better.

"Want to sit up?" Questioned Micah and I nodded at him. Did he read my mind?

He got up. Tall. He was very tall. He looked down at me and smiled, reaching out. I felt him take a hold of my shoulder and an arm. He pulled me up so I was leaning more upright against the pillows. I felt more awake then; my eyes were not so heavy.

"Thank you," I said. He smiled. I coughed suddenly and moved my shaking hand to my throat. It felt weird. I could feel the words better now. Before I'd been confused, now I was more conscious, more aware, more me. But not me, I still didn't feel like me. I didn't understand.

I turned my head, looked at Micah. I knew him, I definitely did but when I searched my head for who he really was I couldn't. It seemed blocked out. There but just out of reach. I swallowed hard and tears prickled in my eyes. His smile dropped. He shifted his chair closer, his voice taking on a sensitive quality, "hey Kiddo, don't get upset. We don't want another black out."

Black out? What? I thought to myself about his words. An image flashed once in my head but went soon enough. I didn't quite record it but I could get snippets. It was me. Falling over. Spinning. Blackness. All the numbers. All the 1's.

I looked at him carefully as I was searching for answers. I didn't understand things. How did I end up there? What was happening to me? What was wrong with me? I had so many questions, so many.

I couldn't have just ended up here for no reason. I wracked my brains for information. I was at school. I remembered it. I was at school but the question was how did I get from there to suddenly here. Micah's words came back to me. Black out. Maybe I blacked out at school... Why? The thoughts ran wildly round my head, in mad circles making me feel slightly dizzy because of it.

I thought about it again but I just couldn't think though, not properly. I couldn't search my memories, they wouldn't come to me. They were there, I knew they are. I could get snippets but I couldn't quite reach them entirely.

I looked back to Micah. This was so frustrating. There I sat in a hospital bed, confused and tired. And there in my brain - the number. The number that I was trying to push away. Every time I thought of it, it got more and more intense and like I couldn't think at all. It was like it was something important to me but I didn't get it. What was important about it?

Micah was looking back at me, had been for a long few seconds. He suddenly asked, "there's something on your mind, isn't there, Kira? I can tell. Something's confusing you. Ask me your question."

I took in a deep breath, feeling tears in my eyes again at how frightening this was. I didn't understand it, I didn't understand what had happened and I didn't understand why I felt like me but then I didn't either. I was me but I didn't quite feel like Kira - the me I knew and wanted to be.

I had so many questions but I just picked one.

"Micah, what happened to me?"

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