I am Kira. I am 1.


5. Chapter Four



Micah didn't answer my question at first as he gave me a calculating look. I watched him closely. I wanted to know what happened to me, it was clear that something was very wrong with me, I could tell. I was just not myself.

"Micah." I urged him to answer me and he finally sighed.

"Well, Kira, I don't know much but Mag tells me it was kinda freaky," he replied at first.

"Freaky?" I wondered what he meant.

Micha shrugged, looking concerned. "As far as I can tell, you blacked out at school, like fainted or something, I don't know why. You... Well... You had a sort of fit she explained and you were screaming."

I stared at him. "Screaming what?" I questioned but somehow, I already knew what the answer was going to be. 1...

"The number one," he replied quietly looking a little confused. "I have no idea why."

I stared down at my white sheets. I was trying not to think of the number knowing that whenever I did that it would build up and get too much. But it was difficult to, in the back of my mind it was being screamed. 1... 1... 1...

"Kira," Micah attracted my attention again and I looked back to him.

I sighed, my chest shuddering. I didn't understand.

"It's okay Kira, the Doctors are gonna help you out."

"But I'm not ill," I snapped at him. He gave me a sceptical look.

"Kira, I think you are ill, no offence but you don't exactly look or sound very well," he answered quietly, looking nervous about what I was going to say to him in reply.

I didn't say anything. I guess he was right but still, I didn't see what the Doctors could do. I wasn't going to tell anyone about what was going on in my brain. I would sound weird and I didn't want lots of tests on me, there was nothing wrong with me. But maybe there is? My thoughts were telling me so but I tried to push them away.

I didn't feel myself. I couldn't think properly. It was like I'd lost my memory partly. I couldn't quite reach my memories. I remembered things, specific faces and I felt like I knew Mag and Micah but still I didn't quite either.

"Micah," I said again, my voice shaking. "Who are you?"

He stared at me. Shock was in his eyes and fear. I could see it - fear. I kept seeing it.

He didn't answer so I gave him a pressing look and finally he spoke. "Don't you know?"

I shook my head at him and that's when it filled me up too, the fear. Fear. I didn't know who he was, yet I did. How was that possible? It was like when you forget something and can't quite recall it but you still know what it is, you just can't think of it, bring it to the front of your mind.

His voice was fearful as he replied, "I'm Micah, you know me. Your brother."

"Brother," I repeated the word. I looked at him. Micah. My brother. Yes. That seemed to fit. Of course, it did. He is my brother, the voice in my head told me. "Brother?"

He nodded, looking worried. I stared at him. Micah is my brother. I knew that, I did, but how could I have forgotten, how could I suddenly have not remembered it? I knew he was someone I know well but I couldn't quite grasp exactly who. The same with Mag. I knew her but who was she to me? My sister. No. That seemed wrong. I tried to think but couldn't. It was blocked out.

"And Mag?" I questioned him.

"Next door neighbour’s daughter, your friend," he told me. I nodded. Yes. That fitted. Mag - my only friend. The one who was older than me.

I took in a breath. I remembered that. She was older than me but how old? I thought about it to myself. 18? Yes. 18. And me... I'm... 1. No. 1.... 1... 1.... NO. Stop. 1... 1... 1...

"Kira!" - Micah's loud voice. Everything snapped back into focus. I blinked and the haziness cleared again as I rubbed my eyes carefully. "Don't zone out like that, Kira. You scared me. I thought you were going to black out again," he told me. Panicked. His voice was panicked and his face to. He reached for my hand and squeezed it. I felt warmness and comfort zoom up my arm.

"Sorry," I managed to say. My voice was scratchy and my throat felt all enclosed, causing me to cough as I tried to get rid of the feeling. He smiled uneasily.

"It's okay," he replied. "Just don't do it again because I don’t know what to do if it happens. Someone from the hospital is coming in soon I think, so they’d be better at dealing with it."

Someone. I picked up on the word. Some. One. 1.... 1.... No. I closed my eyes shut, forced them away. No 1's. No. 1... NO. Go away.

It took me a second to realize that I had said ‘go away’ out loud. I forced my eyes open and looked towards Micah. He looked a little hurt but I didn't mean it so I apologized quickly.

He nodded, before he looked over his shoulder, then back to me. "I'm going to go and find Mag, okay? You just keep calm and rest."

I nodded. "Okay." But I felt nervous. If there was no one there to distract me I knew it would be harder to push the 1's away. I didn't tell him that though. No one should know about the ones, I made that decision then. No one. 1. 1... 1... 1...

"Kira!" Micah snapped at me and I came back to the present, focused on his face and nodded. He looked weary about leaving me as he got up.

I gestured towards the door. "Go. I'll be fine."

He bit his lip in anxiousness but after I gave him a small smile he turned and walked off towards the door, giving me a last look over his shoulder uneasily. I nodded at him reassuringly again and he exited the room, the door banging into place behind him. It echoed around the room and I turned my head, looking around again. Occupy myself, I thought. I thought that was the best thing I could do. No more black outs, no more thinking intensely about anything.

I spotted the window over the other side of the room, above another empty white bed. I could see sunlight streaming in but I was not close enough or at the right angle to look out of it. I speculated for a while whether to get up. I decided to and focused on my legs again. They still ached but I forced away the pain in them and had my mind set on moving them.

I slowly, very slowly, started shifting them out of the bed, sitting up without the support of the pillows and concentrating on moving my legs so that they were finally dangling over the edge. My feet made contact with the cold floor which sent momentary shivers up my body. I rested my hands beside me, gaining my strength and carefully pushed up away from the bed to try to stand on my own two feet.

I struggled for a few moments like a baby trying to gain their balance for the first time, my legs heavy with laying still for so long. There was nothing to grab hold of to keep myself up so my legs gave way and I went tumbling down again. I gripped the bed sheets tightly, sitting up again, dizzy with falling over. I blinked a couple of times to get the focus back in my eyes before summoning all the strength I could must again.

I tried again, gently transferred my weight onto my feet slowly, biting my lip in concentration. I didn't like this, it felt unnatural not to be able to walk easily. I felt so vulnerable. I think that was what gave me more determination to stand properly.

I finally gained my balance although it took effort and it hurt my legs to stand with my body weighing down on it. I stood there for a few minutes, looking around me and wondering again what was happening to me. Why was I so weak? It was as though something had been taken out of me, not just part of my memory but something else, something which made me feel like usual, like me.

I stretched out my back carefully, feeling as though every rib was being tugged at which made my eyes water a little from the pain. I forced them away and focused on walking; I needed to walk. Putting one foot in front of the other I concentrated on balancing and transferred my weight to one foot. I wobbled slightly but soon got the hang of it, stepping onto the other foot and then the other one again until I was taking small, slow steps towards the window.

It was starting to feel more natural by now and I was almost to the window when I heard footsteps and hushed talking. I turned slowly to look at the door as through it came Mag, followed by Micah and finally an unknown face. I stared at him, his dark eyes and hair almost the colour of charcoal. All of a sudden, I felt nervous, confused. Who was this?

"What are you doing out of bed, kiddo?" Micah questioned as he hurried to my side taking hold of my arm. He spun me in the direction of the bed, supporting me as I stumbled slightly.

"I can walk," I breathed out quietly, my voice raspy.

He took no notice of my words, walking me back to my bed and helping me settle down. I didn't need help, I was fine, I hated being treated like this, like I was ill.

Once I was sat in the bed charcoal man came closer and I gripped the sheets more, pulling them up to my chin. He scared me, there was just a certain coldness about him and he was a stranger, with an unfamiliar face. I did not know him, not even faintly. I could feel it - I did not.

"Kira," he said my name softly but yet it still sounded cold. "I'm Doctor Stevens," he announced. I did not meet his eyes or say anything.

Mag came to my side, sat down, flattening out some sheets. "He's here to help you, Kira," she explained. I glanced over her face, it was mingled with so much concern. I didn't like it. I was fine.

"I don't need help," I told her.

She patted my hand and Doctor Stevens spoke again, "there's no need to be scared, Kira." He stepped closer to me and I squirmed uncomfortably. I didn't need help, especially from him, whoever he was. There was nothing wrong with me, I was just having a bit of trouble remembering things, that was all.

Micah on my other side put a hand on my shoulder. "It's ok to get help, Kira."

I met his eyes, they were reassuring, trying to persuade me into thinking like them. His eyes were so warm and I felt like following what they were saying to me yet I still shook my head. "I don't need help," I repeated, something in my head told me to say it. "Why does everyone think I need help?" I shrugged off Micah's hand, crossing my arms protectively across my chest.

They all looked at me and in turn I looked back to each of them.

"Kira," Doctor Stevens was the next to speak. He was still talking in that voice, the one which was soft but still seemed cold.  It was a strange sort of voice. "It has come to my knowledge that you may have some kind of memory damage or loss, but you must not be afraid, we can help you."

I met his cold eyes. Memory damage or loss. The words swam round my head. No, I thought, no. I was fine but then in my mind doubt was there, I wasn't fine. I couldn't remember things, there was something wrong. I didn't feel like myself right now and of course there was the thing with the 1's. The 1's... But no, I didn’t want to think about that. Not now.

Doctor Stevens continued on, "memory loss can be small and temporary, there is no telling really unless it is obvious so it is suggested that we run some tests. With your parents’ permission, we will be able to run these tests as quickly as possible and diagnose whether there is any long term problem."

Fear sickened me at the word tests. I didn't need tests, I was fine... I was fine... I had to be fine.

"Where are mum and dad?" I questioned unable to keep the fright from my voice. It was only now that the thought of my parents had come into my head, yet I was scared by it, I hadn't remembered about them when I had woken up. Why had I not?

"They're on their way, Kira," Micah told me gently reaching for my hand to try and comfort me. "They were in Devon remember, they're driving back. They're trying to get here as quick as they can."

As his words sunk into my head I could not shake the fright. I did not remember. I didn't... Maybe Doctor Stevens was right. Memory loss... But it can't be? Please no.

I was scared. I held onto Micah's hand tightly.

"I'm scared, Micah," I whispered. He bit his lip, looking worried before then lightly getting up from his chair to sit next to me on the bed. He pulled me into a side-hug, wrapping his warm arms around me. I sunk into his arms as warmth spread through me. This felt better, I felt safer like this, less vulnerable to the confusion around me.

Doctors Stevens broke into my bubble of warmth like a cold needle as he spoke again, "I have decided to move you to another room, with another patient in similar circumstances but cannot do so until your parents are here or until you are well enough to move to another room."

"I am well enough," I muttered quietly yet I didn't sound very sure of myself. Doctor Stevens gave me a look as though he knew I was not telling quite the truth and cocked an eyebrow.

"We'll see, Kira, you just get some rest now," he ordered and then turned, without saying or doing anything else, leaving the room. I still felt cold even if he was gone. His presence still seemed to linger in the room.

Micah, Mag and I were all staring after him at the door he had gone through. Everyone was quiet for a few moments.

"I don't like him," I commented, breaking the silence as I shivered.

Micah hugged me closer, "me either, he seems too, I don't know... cold to be a doctor, too sinister."

Mag nodded in agreement. "I don't like him, I really don't like him at all."

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