I am Kira. I am 1.


6. Chapter Five




All I heard was noise when I woke from the darkness. Talking, worried voices, fear thick in the air around me. I didn't even have to open my eyes to know that, I could feel it. I wished maybe I hadn't woken up but I did wake up and I knew that I was a little glad of it to. I had been so suffocated by the blackness of sleep, all the swirling number 1's spinning around making me dizzy. It was nice to see the whiteness of the room again even if I wished I wasn't here.

"She's awake." The two words brought me to focusing on where and from who the noise was coming from rather than blindly listening but not absorbing.

"Oh my goodness, Kira, my darling." Mum. I turned to see her rushing to my side looking so pale she could almost blend into the whiteness of the room. She threw her arms round me, wrapping me up in her flowery scent that had gone stale. I sensed the long travel to get back, the worry, the panic.

I tried to hug back but it hurt if I clenched my muscles too much so I could only hug her a little. She would not let go as though I would die if she did release me from her motherly grasp.

Over her shoulder I could see dad waiting for his turn to get closer but he obviously saw that wasn't going to happen. He smiled at me, but not in a happy way, in a sad way but with the sense of being glad to see me.

"I was so, so, so, so worried. We came straight away when we heard," mum gar-belled off letting go of me slightly to look at me at arm’s length. Her face was almost manic with worry. "Gosh, you look so pale." She gripped me warmly again, starting to sob.

I cleared my throat which had a large lump in it which would not go away, saying quietly, "I'm fine, mum."

She just sobbed harder so I resorted to patting her back to try and get her to calm down. Thankfully, as my lungs were getting very squished, dad came to detach mum from me and worked his magic to make her reasonably calm again. I looked up at them both as they were peering down at me with such panic in their eyes that it almost looked as though small scared people were running around in circles in their eyes.

I tried not to show my own anxiousness on my face. It wasn't that I was in hospital and 'ill' that was making me nervous, it was the fact that as I looked at them, the people who were my parents, I did not feel much. I knew they were my parents, I felt glad to see them, but nothing else. And it scared me. I could remember them, yet I couldn't quite either. If I tried to think of being with them, the thoughts did not come to me.

I broke out from my thoughts, it was just scaring me. I next broke the silence in the room as I asked, "where did Mag and Micah go?"

"They went home last night, Kira," dad explained and I raised my eyebrows. Last night? Had I been asleep for that long?

I glanced towards the window, it was light and it was clear it was day time. That meant since when I fell asleep in the afternoon yesterday I had been asleep from then, through the whole night and through the morning to now.

"I've been asleep for a long time," I commented.

"Yes, Doctors Stevens told us," mum told me. "I can't blame you, my poor girl, you must be very tired."

I shrugged at her, sitting more upright in the bed. "When can I go home?" I questioned. I wasn't enjoying my time here, not at all. I wanted to get out of here.

Dad shared a look with mum then replied to me gently, "Kira, I don't think you'll be going home just yet, you need to have some tests first, we've signed the papers."

I suddenly felt angry. "No one asked me. Why did no one ask me? What if I don't want any tests?"

Dad slightly sighed as mum replied sounding a little more forceful with her words, "Kira, we need to find the problem first, you can't have become ill for nothing. Better to solve this now, rather than anything happening again."

"But I haven't got a problem," I snapped back, gripping my sheets tightly.

"Don't be silly, Kira," mum told me sternly.

Dad spoke next and I could tell he was trying to make everything calm again. "It's ok, everything will turn out fine. After the tests, I'm sure everything can get back to normal."

I grumbled to myself. "I don't want tests done on me."

"I know, Kira, but it's the best thing for you right now," he told me.

I sighed. It looked like I wasn't going to win.

Mum sighed to and sat down in the chair next to the bed. "You're going to be fine, Kira."

I shrugged. What if I wasn't?

The door suddenly banged open making me jump. It was Doctor Stevens. I shivered, bringing my knees up to my chest to hug. I wanted to hide away from him as much as I could. He wasn't going to do any tests on me, not right now, not any time if I could stop it.

He walked to the end of my bed giving my parents a nod of acknowledgement before focusing on me saying, "hello Kira, how are you feeling?"

"Fine," I lied quickly. I wasn't fine, not really. I had been trying to ignore it but I felt really sick, sick with fear.

"That's good, have you had anything to eat yet?" he asked as he pulled a clipboard from the hook on the end of the bed, taking out a pen from his white doctor’s coat pocket and poising it over the paper.

I shook my head.

"Ok, well you should get some food delivered to you soon, they're coming around as we speak," he explained but I didn't care. I wasn't going to eat their hospital mush.

Doctor Stevens continued on, "after you've had some food we can think about taking you to your new room. Ok?"

I nodded. Mum spoke up, "will she be with other people?"

"Yes, as I said earlier she will be with someone who is in a similar circumstance," he told her.

Mum nodded, "but are they nice?"

Doctor Stevens nodded. "I assure you that she will be fine. The girl currently in the room is the same age and is very much approachable. There should be no problems. And it may be good for Kira to have someone to talk to about things."

Mum nodded again and smiled slightly. "Yes, that sounds good, doesn't it Kira?" She turned more towards me.

I met her eyes and shrugged, saying nothing. It depended on what the girl was like.

"Of course, if there are any problems we can move her again," Doctor Stevens added in.

"Ok, I'm sure it will be fine though," Dad replied as he perched on the arm of the chair mum was sitting in.

"When am I moving?" I asked. I obviously got no choice in that either.

"As soon as you've had your food and the bed in the other room is ready for you," he answered. "In the meantime, are there any questions?"

I shook my head quickly. I wanted Doctor Stevens to leave, he was making me feel uncomfortable again, it was just the way he talked and stood there, he had such an ominous presence. 

"Well..." Mum started but trailed off.

"We can talk in private if you like," Doctor Stevens offered. Say yes mum, I thought. Make him get out of here.

"Yes, if you please," she replied. Thank you.

She stood up as did dad. "This way then." He gestured to the door and they gave me quick hugs before walking away. Doctor Stevens however did not move. As my parents left the room he continued to stare at me. I hugged myself tighter. Just go away, I thought to myself.

"Now, Kira," he started off, his voice seeming to echo. "Before I go and chat, is there anything you want to talk to me about?"

I shook my head. Leave, just go away. He nodded. "Ok, Kira, but if you ever need to talk, about anything, any issues, then just say." I nodded at him even though I never would do.

Finally, he turned to go and I tensely watched him, only letting out my breath when I was sure he was gone again. I was glad he was gone, I didn't like. I didn't trust him. He was too mysterious and I felt like he was a bad person. I don't know why. 

Now I was alone I could freely do what I wanted. I slipped the covers further away from me as I swung my legs from the bed. I was going to go and look out of the window as I had been interrupted before. It seemed though everyone was against me going to the window as a nurse came into the room pushing a trolley, with plates and a large tin container.

"Hey, get back in bed," she snapped at me. She did not seem a nice nurse.

I decided to do what she asked, sitting back down in bed. She clanged the ladle into the container slopping some disgusting looking thing onto a plate and thrusting it in my direction. I took it, wrinkling my nose at it and slowly taking my spoon.

"Eat that up," she ordered me before grumpily wiping her hands on her apron and stomping off.

I stared down at it. It looked the definition of foul. I didn't even know what it was supposed to be. It was a pile of grayish substance which resembled odd looking potato with a couple of carrot cubes in it. I would rather eat dog food than that. I shoved it on the side.

There was only so much I was going to take. I wanted to get out of here. I just wanted to run, find somewhere which would make me feel comfortable and safe. I wanted somewhere with answers to.

I was scared, so scared. All there was in my brain was blankness and fear and that one number - 1.

I curled up in a ball. What was happening to me? I didn't know.

All I knew was that I didn't want to be here, I didn't want tests on me. I just wanted to be myself again and to be able to think properly. What was it that was restricting my thoughts, my feelings and the thing in me that made me who I am? Or who I was, maybe I should say? I am not the me I am used to being.

I am not me.

I am Kira but who am I really?

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