Unreadable

I heard the music of the "first dance" start up and glanced toward the dance floor only to find Kyler watching over Mary's shoulder as I started to pull my keys from my purse. The look on his face was unreadable. All I could think about was the time he had come with me to my cousin's wedding and commented that he would rather have a "first skydive" at a wedding than a "first dance". On the inside I felt both joy and pain at the memory. On the outside I just gave him a small smile and waved good-bye... ...perhaps for the last time.

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1. One

"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined.
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned."

--Natasha Bedingfield

As I stood in the reception line, I imagined myself giving him a good punch right to the jaw.  Maybe a nice bloody nose on his wedding day would suffice for what he did to me--how he made me feel.  But as I came closer, I put on a smile and gave him and his bride each a hug and congratulated them instead.  I cursed my personality that had never allowed me to purposefully try to hurt someone.

I was too nice.

I tried to be happy for him.  And her.  After all, she got to be with the most amazing man I had ever met, for all of eternity.  She was so lucky to have him.  And I was lucky to have had him for eight months.  I just felt like I got the short end of the stick when those eight months ended almost exactly two months before the two of them got engaged.

I was way too nice.

In case you haven't yet noticed, this story does not have a happy beginning.  It starts with the broken heart of a woman scorned.  To tell you the truth, I don't know if the ending will be happy either.  I'm just writing this down as I go, so the ending is still a mystery to me.

I sat at one of the tables in the garden, eating my cheesecake (my favorite thing ever, but now I can never have it at my own wedding, assuming I ever get married).  As I stared at the dark chocolate swirled with the creamy white of the cheesecake, I thought about the day I saw the pictures of the two of them in Disneyland.  That was when I found out that he already had a new girlfriend, and that they had already been dating for about three weeks.  Less than a week later she had a ring.  You may be able to imagine how I was feeling right about then.  If you've ever been in love with someone for five years, finally got a chance to date them thinking you were going to marry them, only to have them break up with you and get engaged to someone else two months later, then you know exactly how I felt right about then.

Anger swelled inside of me at the thoughts that were racing through my mind, but on the outside none of it showed.  I was new to the experience of holding a grudge against someone for more than a day or so, but one thing I was good at was hiding my emotions.  (Sometimes I swear I might be half Vulcan.)  Around me people chatted, kids chased each other.  Kids I'd come to love.  Kyler's nieces and nephew.  Kids that were part of a family that I had once thought I'd be a part of too.

I knew I couldn't stay very long.  Emotionally I just couldn't do it.  I only came in the first place because Kyler and I had, after all, been friends for nearly eight years.  I didn't want that to be erased just because I now kind of hated him.

Because I also still loved him.

I got up from the table and threw my plastic plate away in the nearest trash can, starting to make my way back to the parking lot.  I heard the music of the "first dance" start up and glanced toward the dance floor only to find Kyler watching over Mary's shoulder as I started to pull my keys from my purse.  The look on his face was unreadable.  All I could think about was the time he had come with me to my cousin's wedding and commented that he would rather have a "first skydive" at a wedding than a "first dance".  On the inside I felt both joy and pain at the memory.  On the outside I just gave him a small smile and waved good-bye...

...perhaps for the last time.

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