Shadows

Life gets complicated after the death of Magnus. Especially as the only person who makes Alec feel anything, even if it is only hate, is Clary Fray. However, its not smooth sailing when you're boyfriend and his Parabatai both love you. But, with Jace moving further away, will he push Clary into Alec's arm.

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8. Happy-Sad

 

Songs for chapter 

Can't Stop - OneRepublic

Two Ghosts - Harry Styles

Something just like this - Coldplay

Clary's Pov

The boys were out all day. Turn's out they'd been out hunting demons all day, several missions that only took the two of them to complete. 

I had made every effort to avoid them when they had come home. I had trained with Izzy, and then helped in the control room. But eventually, we had to sit down and eat. But, I had that covered too. 

I was going to catch up with Sebastian. After he learnt to control his demons he was able to do a integration programme, and though few trusted him, he was one of the best shadow hunters the institutes had seen. 

Sebastian was due to be moving into our institute, along with a few of the Herondale family. Jace, being Herondale, knew the shadow hunters who were moving in. His cousin, Marie, and her uncle, Andrew. Jace had told us all about the few he had meet during his time in Idris. 

Even being with Sebastian hadn't kept me away long enough. 

By the time I got back, everyone was still in the kitchen. Izzy and Flow sat talking over dinner, and Jace and Alec too. There was also about ten members of the institute. I tried to quietly walk past but it was never going to happen when everyone has their hearing room activated at all times. 

"There you are!" Izzy cooed over at me, and I turned quickly on my heels. "Hey." I tried to smile back at them all. 

Jace stood up and kissed my cheek, whilst Alec offered me an awkward smile. 

"We've been waiting for you, where have you been?" Jace asked me, "I went to see, Sebastian." I told him quietly, and everyone sighed deeply. They really didn't like him. "I called you." Jace told me, and I nodded slowly, "I left my phone here." I smiled, and moved past him to sit down. 

"So, why is everyone waiting for me?" I asked, "Jace has some news, and he refused to tell us, until you got here." Flow flashed a smile over at me, I tried to give her one back but it just didn't work. 

I turned to Jace. Who grabbed my hand and offered me a smile. 

"So as you all know, i've been having a couple of meetings with the Idris committee." He began, and everyone looked at him intensely wondering what he was going to say next. 

"They've asked me to go to Idris, only for a few months, just see how we can exchange ideas."  he smiled, "That's such an amazing opportunity, Jace." Flow smiled at him, and reassuringly touched his arm. 

"When do you leave?" I faced him slowly, knowing that our fragile relationship couldn't last the distance of Idris. "Sunday night." Jace tried to smile at me. 

"We have to have a leaving party for you!" Izzy smiled, "Our brother is leaving and the first thing you think about it a party?" Alec turned to Izzy and she was nodding with a smile. 

"Congratulations." Alec turned to Jace and hugged him, patting him twice on the back. 

I didn't really know how to congratulate him, was it really something I was happy about. I didn't want him to leave. But, it wasn't the worse idea, was it? Maybe it would make us appreciate each other more. 

Everyone was just so happy for him, they surrounded him with praise.

I snuck away during the praise. 

"Where do you think you're going?" I heard a deep voice as I was halfway down the corridor. I turned and Alec was walking towards me.

"I was just going to get changed." I smiled to him, but I think he could tell that I was lying.  "You're a terrible liar." he told me, and I smirked and held my hands up, "Guilty." I laughed.

"Avoiding Jace?" he asked me, and I shook my head. 

How did I tell him that it was him I was avoiding.

"Sad that he's leaving?" Alec continued to question me, "Relieved." I spoke quickly, and he laughed at me. "I just think the space will be good. Maybe if we learn to be without each other, we remember what it's like to be together." I told him, and he nodded slowly. 

"Are you two breaking up?" he cocked his head at me, and I shrugged. "Idris isn't exactly a block away." I sighed, and we were now both walking to my room. "Well, there is that." Alec nodded. 

It was reassuring that he didn't try to convince me to stay with Jace. 

We got to my room, and he stopped outside my door. 

"You can come in, you know? I don't bite." I pushed the door open and nodded for him to follow me. 

Alec wasn't comfortable, but he sat on the bed in a pleasant enough way. 

"Do you love Jace?" he asked me, and I refused to face him instead, looking through my draws, pulling out shirts, and pants and other things. 

I eventually stood up. I smirked at him, "Didn't you ask me that last night?" I walked over to him, and sat down beside him on the bed. "No, I told you, you did." he shrugged. 

"Why does it matter?" I asked him, and looked down too my hands. 

"Because unless it's a mad, extraordinary love, then it's a waste of time. For everyone involved." he paused, and took my hand, moved it so the palm was facing up, and he traced his fingers along the veins on my wrist. 

"You should feel it, here. Running around every inch of your skin. It isn't always Love.  It's about the slow parts too. The kissing. Tracing the skin. The slow heavy breathing. Then the pauses whilst you catch your breath. It's all the slow parts. Then Love."

Alec stops again, and looks me in the eye. 

I can't help but remember last night. The closeness of it all. It meant more now. Here. In my bed room. Sat together on my bed. Waiting for him to kiss me. 

But, he couldn't kiss me. 

We were stuck. Between the moral line and the line we both wanted to cross. 

It's crazy to say that I knew he wanted too. But, I knew he wanted too. 

Alec Lightwood wanted me. 

I know this because he moved in closer to me. 

"You know last night?" I began to speak, and we shuffled closer together, he nodded slowly. "Were you going to kiss me?" I whispered feeling the blush on my cheeks harshen. 

"Er..." he looked embarrassed, "You know, it doesn't matter." I sighed and moved from him, picking up my clothes from the floor, moving behind the screen to change into my shorts and vest top.

"Clary..." Alec was stood up as I emerged from behind the screen. I smiled at him gently, and walked over to him, stood before him I felt so small.

I touched his face and shook my head, "You don't have to, not now." I whispered, and was happy enough to feel him wrap his arms around me. I'd never hugged Alec before, but it was like being in an all encompassing space, that made every worry disappear.

I thought about the other people he would kiss if I was never available, forever tied to Jace.

"When you kiss someone, take a minute." I looked up to him, and he just looked down on my with such admiration. "What do you mean?" he asked me, smiling at me, so I pulled him over to sit on the bed, I sat facing him, sitting on my knees.

"Clary what is this?" he chuckled, "It's an example, for the next person you kiss." I smirked at him and he nodded for me to continue. 

"Take a second to look at me. New and unfamiliar. Right now, you don't know how I taste. You don't know how my hands feel. You don't know how I breath. Take a minute, because you'll never see my like this again.

Look at me, like you want me. We are apprehensive. Remember, I don't know all these things either. You're uncharted territory. But, just take a minute. Make sure that you want to kiss me, because if you kiss me. I might just kiss you back." I finished. 

"I'm sure." he told me.

I'm sure we both leant in, even if it was just a fraction. 

Then a voice called my name. 

Jace.

"Clary?" he opened the door, and I sprang away from the bed, Alec staying put. 

"Oh, Alec?" he frowned in confusion, "Whats up?" I smiled at him, "I was wondering where you got too. I haven't seen you since I told you the good news." he smiled back at me. 

"Alec, could me and Clary have some, alone time?" he squinted his eyes at Alec, and Alec stood up and looked down at me. "Come and see me later, we can carry on." Alec smirked over at me, and I blushed harshly again. 

Jace stood before us confusion. 

Alec closed the door behind him. 

"What was all that about?" Jace asked as I walked over to pick up my clothes that had fallen onto the floor. "Oh, Alec? Nothing." I shook my head, waiting for the crimson in my cheeks to disappear.

"So, what do you think, about Idris?" he smiled at me, as I continued to clean around him. I shrugged, "It's a great opportunity." I flashed him a brief smile, "Why do I sense you aren't thrilled about it?" he folded his arms across his chest.

"Do you want to me to be happy that you're leaving?" I asked him, and he sighed and walked over to me. "It's not forever." he held my arms against me, and spoke softly to me. "It's six months, that's half a year. A lot can change." I shake him off me, and find something to keep my hands busy. 

"Clary, come on, I thought you'd be happy." he followed me around the room, "I am happy for you. I'm sure you'll love it. You'll meet some amazing people." I smiled at him, again. 

"What's your problem?" he pulled me near to him, and I sighed. "Jace, you have a hard enough time focusing on me when we live in the same building. You aren't exactly a bus ride away." I tell him, and he sighed. 

"You think i'll cheat on you, that's what this is about, isn't it?" he frowned at me, and I nodded slowly. "You don't trust me?" he let me go, "It's not that." I sighed. "Then what is it?" he rose his voice, and then sighed in frustration turning his back on me. 

"I just don't think it's going to work out with you being in Idris. You're so easily distracted, and I'm sure there going to be a lot of beautiful girls." I sighed trying to move towards him. 

"How many times do I have to tell you that I want you?" He turned to me, his eyes were bloodshot from anger. 

"Until I believe you." I whispered to him. 

"Do you want me to stay?" he asked me, "I can't ask you to turn down going to Idris." I tell him. 

"Then what are we going to do?" he turned to me, "I don't know. Maybe, we  should just-" he cut me off and crashed his lips against mine. 

"What was that for?" I pulled away, "Because I didn't want you to finish that sentence." he sighed and held me against his chest, I sighed deeply in his soft grip. 

Jace didn't stop before he kissed me. Jace didn't look a me for a minute, to remember me, how I was. 

But, here he was before me, begging for me to stay with him. Begging me to believe in him. I wanted too. I wanted to believe he wouldn't hurt me when he lived in Idris, but the reality was, he would. ""

"Why don't we just see how things are when you get back?" I whispered against his chest, "Clary, please stop talking." Jace ached before me.

Knowing that this, temporarily, was the end. Jace wanted a few more moments in this happy-sad in between. 

And so did I.

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