Shadows

Life gets complicated after the death of Magnus. Especially as the only person who makes Alec feel anything, even if it is only hate, is Clary Fray. However, its not smooth sailing when you're boyfriend and his Parabatai both love you. But, with Jace moving further away, will he push Clary into Alec's arm.

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4. Dreams

Songs for chapter

- Sweet Dreams (Are made of this) - Eurythmics

-Between the cheats - Amy Winehouse

-Heaven - Bryan Adams

Alec's Pov

"It's because of you that I hate love songs. I hate seeing happy people. I can't watch cheesy movies. I shut down any time someone wants in. I hate myself because I couldn't save you." I cried into Magnus. 

I had longed for him for months. I remembered what he was wearing the night he died, that bright purple shirt, and a blue blazer. He wore it now. 

"I'm here now." Magnus whispered into my hair, and I pushed against his chest. "You're not!" I yelled at him. 

"I held you with sweaty palms, and shaking hands. Everything inside of me was telling me to let you go, but I couldn't. I had to watch you die in my arms, knowing I couldn't save you. I tend to ruin everything I love, but I'm convinced I didn't deserve you." I continued to yell and sob at him. 

But, he didn't move, he just looked at me with sad eyes. "Do you remember me telling you to be happy?" he asked me, and I frowned, "I don't want to be happy." I snapped at him, and he walked up to me in the space around, and touched my face, "Alexander. I need you to be happy." he told me. 

"These dreams would make me happy, if it didn't make me sick knowing once I wake up, you're not going to be there." I told him, and he told me, "I'll always be here, Alexander." 

"The only thing keeping me alive is your voice, it gives me hope. Even though your voice is like the devils conjuring. You give you a heart beat - a rhythm. Once your voice stops - so will I." I tried to make him listen. 

"Alexander, if someone else can love you even a fraction as much as I did, that would be enough." he explained to me, "I can't just forget that you ever existed." I grab his face in my hands, "You don't have too. But, please, be happy. For me." he whispered, and places a kiss upon my lips. 

Then he fades to nothingness in my arms. I'm left with only that familiar smell of gin, and for a moment I swear I can taste it. 

I try to wake myself up, but something is holding me here. Something wants me to stay. 

"Alec." I heard a pretty voice, and I turn to see Clary standing in a white dress outside on the patio of Magnus' apartment.  "Clary, how did you get here?" I asked her, and she turned to me with a loving smile. "I don't know, it's your dream." she spoke softly. 

Clary pulled herself up to walk along  the beam of the patio. Concrete  I thought about her falling how much it would hurt. How much I would hurt to see her go.

"Clary, get down!" I jump up, and she turns to face me, bare foot in that flowing white dress. "Catch me?" she asked, and jumped down, and my hands fell around her waist, and she touches my face, and in warmness my eyes close, and I let my head fall into her hand. 

"Are you thinking about kissing me?" she gulped, and I opened my eyes and saw her green. "What if I am?" I sighed, feeling defeated by her overwhelming presence against me. "That's okay. Because, i've been thinking about kissing you too." she didn't break contact with me. Instead, she took my hand and lead me inside, and lay down on the sofa. 

"Clary." I whispered as she lay down the dress disappearing inch by inch to reveal milky flesh, the room was now candle lit. I wanted to wake up, but seeing Clary being revealed to me, made me want to stay. 

"Alec, its okay." she turned her head from me, still lay down. Still irresistible. "It's fine if you don't want me." she sighed, and the dress was still turning into smoke, second by second. "Clary, I think you're beautiful." I tell her, and crimson rises on her cheeks. 

"Then come over here, before you wake up." she tells me and the dress is reduced into nothingness. 

I let her pull at my shirt, and unbuckle my jeans, and pull them off me too. I let her sit on me and run her fingers through my hair, and kiss me. Just kiss me. I smile into the kiss, as this feeling in myself stomach swells, and I haven't felt love like this before. 

It then dawns on me. I am dreaming about having sex with Clary Fray. I want to push her off as I battle with my own demons. I imagine Jace asking me about how I feel about her, and I'd say something stupid. 

"Alec, what's wrong?" she pulls back from me with plump pink lips, and I only want to kiss her again. I look at her for a moment, and I grab her face and rub a thumb across those lips that I wanted so badly. 

"If you aren't happy anymore, you know that's what matters the most to me." I tell her, and she drops her smile a little, "I'm happy here with you." she tells me, "Are you happy with Jace?" I ask her, "Don't bring up Jace, not now." she moved herself off me, and I feel cold. 

"I'm sorry." I grab her arm, and I let her small frame curl up beside me. I pull a blanket from the back of the couch and I wrap us up in it. As for this moment, her skin pressed up against mine is enough. 

The fact that I can't have her, makes me want her more. 

I feel myself waking up, but I don't want too. I want to hold her for just a few more minutes, and then I wake up. It's 4:03 and I want Clary Fray.

Clary's Pov

"Somewhere along the line you changed. You weren't you. And when things got hard you started looking for someone to blame. You weren't you." I cried to Jace, who is only pacing the space of my bedroom floor. 

"Clary, I love you." he tells me, but I can't look him in the eye. "It doesn't feel like you do." I sob to him, and shake my head. 

"It feels like you love someone else." he told me, and I recoil from him in shock. "How dare you?" I slapped him hard across the cheek. "No. You don't get to push blame onto me." I yelled at him, "Just because you sleep around." I snapped. 

"You like Alec." he tells me in a low voice, "I don't. He's a friend." I defend myself, "I feel what he feels, or have you forgotten that?" he asked me, and I ignore him. "Every stolen look, or every time you've want to kiss him, everytime you've made him feel something, i've felt it." he seethed. 

"It's a school-girl crush. Alec's good looking. Besides, with no attention from you what do you expect? I like the way he looks at me. Alec tells me I am pretty. Alec spends time with me, he is always trying to help me. I remember when that was you, when you cared. But, you don't. You don't care." I become angry at him again. 

"Why don't you fuck Alec then, huh?" he yells at me, "If that's a permission slip, then I will." I frowned at him with my arms folded across my chest.

Jace stormed away from me, and I sat down on my bed. Seconds later there's a knock at the door, and I stomp over ready for a round two yelling spree with Jace, but he's not the one stood before me.

"I heard you two fighting, again." Alec speaks, leaning against my door frame. "It wasn't a fight." I turned from him leaving the door open. "Do you need someone to talk too?" He asked me sweetly, sitting down beside me on my bed. 

"Shouldn't you be talking to Jace, he is your parabati?" I asked him, and he shrugged. "Probably, but I'd much rather talk to you. He's an idiot. The way he talks to you, I hate it." He tells me and I turn from him, "I'm no Angel." I sighed, and he nodded in agreement, "I know, but at least you're honest." He touched my face softly.

"Jace doesn't mean to be bad. He's not even that bad, he's just distracted. All the time." I tried to defend him, but what was the point in trying to defend him, when he'd walked out on me. Again,

"I just want to see you happy." Alec looked me so deeply in the eyes, it felt as though his eyes had felled through me. "I'm happy. Alec, I'm okay." I tried to convince him.
Alec knew when I was lying, he could see it in my eyes.  
"Clary, it's okay not to be okay." He told me softly, and I move closer to him to feel close to someone. 

"I don't want to want you, Alec." I whispered, our lips inches apart. "It will ruin, Jace." I continue, but his breath is hot against my lips, and his chest is moving so quickly. "What do you want? Don't think about Jace, think about you. What do you want?" He holds my face to make me think. 

"You know it's you." I uttered against his lips, touching them ever so slightly. "Then be happy." He whispered back to me, and crashed his lips against mine.

I was kissing Alec Lightwood. 
I was dreaming that Alec Lightwood was lay on top of me, and he had ripped open my shirt.
I tried to wake up because I thought about the real Alec Lightwood, the boy recovering from a broken heart. 
I tried to stay in this dream like state, because the softness of Alec's hands on my chest made me want to stay.

We kissed for what felt like hours, and soon enough a thus came upon my door. I barely heard, until I heard his voice. "Clary, I'm sorry. Let's just talk." It was Jace, and Alec's face dropped. He was white, and I was scared for the both of us. 
I looked down at my ripped shirt. Alec at his pale skin, his shirt lying on the floor. "Clary, come on. I can hear you."  Jace was beginning to get impatient. I heard him banging more and more on the door. "Alec here." I whispered, throwing his shirt his way. "Clary!" Jace shouted, and the door flung open.

Alec was mid way through pulling his shirt over his head and I was rummaging for a new one. We both looked at Jace, who was first red from anger, and then white from sadness.
Here we are face to face, my blue shirt is ripped revealing my white underwear. Alec is sweating. I find myself not being able to breath. I can hear everyone heart beat.

"Nothing happened." I whispered, "I clearly interrupted in time."  Jace muttered. 
"Jace, we were just-" Alec was interrupted, again. "You were just what?!" Jace erupted. Alec took a couple of steps towards him, and Jace was tense. "We are supposed to be parabati." Jace looked through Alec, and directly at me. 

"I love you." Jace whispered, and I was unsure if it was me or Alec he was talking too. 

Then the two boys left me in absolute darkness. I was lost, stuck between the two. I died to wake up. And sure enough. I did. 

 

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