What it is Like


2. Depression

It tears you apart. You cry and cry. The tears fall and the pain gets bad. You want it to end, but it doesn't. It gets so bad. One hit you tell yourself. One hit and it will be done. The pain will stop, but it doesn't. You hit yourself again and again to make it go away. It doesn't. It just stays. You hit yourself so many times there's a bruise. You finally stop It hurts to move that part of your body, but it's a good pain. You don't cry because of it. You welcome it. You hide the bruise. You keep the problem to yourself, If you don't there's just more drama. Soon even that doesn't ease the pain. If just stays. It never goes away. You become a natural at acting. No one questions. Why should they. Taking college classes. Smiling everywhere you go. You give them no reason to question. To question anything about you. To question your smile. To question your laugh. To question your grades. To question anything. You smile you keep your head up and never let your tiara fall. You make yourself look fine, You make them believe you are fine and eventually you will start to believe it as well. Until you lay lay down at night and tears start falling. You pillows and sheets are covered with tear stains. Your skin permanently bruised. Your skin black and blue. Face stained with tears. You shake. It's midnight and you are sitting in your bathroom floor. Thinking. Looking at yourself in the mirror. Only if I was skinnier. Only if I was stronger. Only if I was prettier. Only if I was smarter. Only if I had money. Only if I didn't cry. "Why?" you scream. More tears stream. Only if.... If my hair was shorter. Only if I was athletic. Only if I cared less. Only if I loved less. Only if I could be heartless. The only if's run through your head. What has happened to you? Why are you a screw up. Only if I was perfect. You pick up a razor and carve the word PERFECT in your skin. Perfect is what you have to be. You stick your arm under burning hot water. The water strickes each letter.. First the P. You muffle your screams. The the E. You cry out. R. You grit your teeth. F. I deserve this you think. E. If I was only perfect. C. Only if I was better. T. You sob, this is what I need. The pain. Its what I deserve. Nobody cares. It's okay though. PERFECT will always be carved. It will be your reminder. They don't ever see the good just the bad. PERFECT. That's what you have to be.

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