Dear Sarah

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4. There's another of me but that's just a long story

This next song is another all-time favorite. I have a feeling every single one of these will be songs that are very important to me.

"Somebody to Love" by Queen

 

Dear Sarah,

That title might be misleading, it might not be. I'm referring to my twin. If you remember, this is the twin that died in the early stages after conception. People say that twins have some sort of inseparable bond. There is a connection that is made in the womb that no other relationship can even begin to compare to. My twin and I had that sort of connection. You might wonder how exactly I could know that. It's strange, actually, but I do in fact know. Now, if you take that bond, and add death into the equation, well, the result is obviously not great. Think, the first real connection, the strongest connection, that I ever made in my life, and ever will make, ended with death before real life. Horrible to think of.

When I was five years old, my mom, my neighbor, and I were standing outside. I sat by my mom while she chatted with the neighbor. Then, the neighbor mentioned something of me having a twin. My mom had told her about it previously. My face went blank, and I immediately burst into tears. I had never heard of this. It was as if all of the grief came rushing back at once, because of course I did not remember my twin. I cried for hours that day, in my moms arm. I know this because she told me and because it has stuck with me through the pain in my life.

That was all sort of forgotten for a while, until I was at the cardiologist getting a heart scan for unrelated reasons. Afterwards, one of the technicians asked, "Did you know you have an extra rib?" I did not know. She explained it was almost certainly my twin's. It is some consolation to know I have a literal piece of them with me. It's also a pretty cool story to tell people. However, recently I have been developing a sort of longing for my twin. This is called "Vanishing Twin Syndrome." There is a spectacular YouTube video explaining it. Basically, it is one of the reasons I am as emotional and reluctant to keep close connections. It describes people as often finding ways to cut people off from your lives, no matter how important they are to you. Of course, this too does not make up and account for my actions. I take full responsibility for what I do and what I have done.

Maybe, and I'm not sure that I am speaking in truth here, but maybe that is exactly what I did. I was afraid of the mere 'drifting apart' that seems to happen with these kind of things. That is what happened with me and the other two S's, and I guess I felt that wouldn't have done justice to 7 years. So, instead, I do.. what the hell did I even do. I drifted from you anyways, didn't I. Exactly what I didn't want to happen happened. Those other two with the S names were not even very important to me. No offense to them, but I was only hanging out with them because I was realizing some things about myself. I was being experimental with music, mostly. They were much different from you, and I liked that. However, I soon realized they were not the kind of friends I wanted. If only I hadn't realized much too late. I lashed out at you, because like I said, I am very stubborn and unwilling to go down without a fight. Even if I am in the wrong. Especially if I am in the wrong.

I'm sorry for saying the things I said. I don't remember them all, but I know they must have been hurtful. I said some things even I never thought was true. You were funny. You were the only person that actually  made me laugh. It seriously takes a lot to make me laugh these days. And it's often at the stupidest things. But, alas I still love it. I love to laugh, and I miss it more than anything. I really did love hanging out with you. Notice how I never even went to the others homes. I remember making a string of electrical cords into a circle, then taking those sumo suits and trying to push each other out of the circle. Afterwards, we talked about "Giggles." Oh boy what the hell was wrong with me. Apparently those are the types I went for. Still, those are nice memories. Your birthday parties were always the best though. Even when I slept on a treadmill. No complaints here.

Enough of the reminiscing, though. The point is, the things I said to and about you were not anything coming from a sane mind. I was hurt, we both were, and I'm not very good at handling that sort of thing. I'm quite horrible at handling that sort of thing. It seemed to be a silly fight, to me, and maybe it was. Still, it has greatly impacted my life. I have yet to recover. I detached myself from you, yet somehow I still have not. Letting go has never been something easy for me, and I hope that doesn't come off too weird for you. I hope none of this does.

In summation, I'm sorry. I didn't want to damage your security in any way, and never even imagined that I would do any sort of wrong towards you. We had never really fought before, I don't think. We weren't prepared. I wasn't prepared. I'm improving, still. I'm trying because I would rather this sort of thing not happen again. I really do miss you, even as hard as it is to admit. That year altogether was amazing. I realized so much about myself, and I really took it all for granted. I had amazing friends, easy classes, and was truly recovering from my problems in seventh grade. I was happy, a feeling that I wish would never end. "Laughter is the best medicine," some say. I hate those cleshay sort of sayings, but my god is it true.

I guess things left unresolved just sit, lying in wait until someone, anyone decides to do something about it. Usually the one who cannot recover from the already transpired events. That would be me, I suppose. And this is my feeble attempt at doing something about it.

 

may third

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