Dear Sarah

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28. Peter Pan had the right idea

Dear Sarah,

It's 10:38 on July 19th, just a short time from my 16th birthday. However, I'm not excited to have grown a year in age. Just a year ago I was astonished that I had actually grown so much, and happy to have done so. Now, I am completely scared. I feel as if my childhood is disappearing and there's nothing I can do to stop that. My parents keep bringing up that fact that I need to apply for jobs, and I continually push them away. I don't want to move on to the next step in life. I don't want to have responsibilities and become an adult. I feel like I've wasted these past couple of years. I'm supposed to be having fun, not stressing out or feeling sorry for myself. Now, I feel as if high school is practically over, and if if we do fix things, we will still only have a short time before we have to grow up even more and graduate to the more adult parts of life. I don't want tomorrow to come because it will signify that now two years have passed since my happiest moments. It's as if the past two years haven't even happened. I have no memories with people to actually prove that I was existing for the past two years. I'm hoping this next year of my life will be better. I'm always hoping. I'm just panicking because I don't want to be older. All I want to do is go back in time and make better use of the two years that I now realize I can never get back. 

I'm going to change the topic because the subject of age is getting me worked. So, I will talk of something that fascinates me: my mind.

I have spoken of basically everything here, except for the things that are too hard to put into words, so why not share my mental health struggles. I've always known there was something wrong with me. Something not quite right in the head. I act differently than most people and can't understand things that most people don't even question. I knew my symptoms, but never had a name to describe what exactly was wrong with me. I did research but found nothing. It was pure chance that brought me to a new conclusion.

I was on youtube watching random videos, just picking things from the recommended section, when I came across a specific video on all documented personality disorders described by a youtuber that I like. She went into detail about each personality disorder, and one caught my attention. It is called Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. I instantly wanted to learn more about this disorder, so I found another video by the same youtuber that was solely about BPD. Every issue I had struggled with having to do with my mind soon had it's own name. I was able to put a name to something that I felt had always been a part of me, and that name was Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't want you to get the idea that I am self diagnosing myself, as only a professional can diagnose this. I am seeing my doctor next week and fully intend to bring it up to them then and seek help and a proper diagnosis. I'll tell you a bit about BPD now and probably link the video if you're interested. I'm always fascinated by mental health, the unseen disease. 

Some symptoms of BPD include: recurring pattern of instability in relationships, efforts to avoid abandonment, identity disturbance (not know who oneself is), impulsivity, emotional instability, chronic feelings of emptiness

BPD is closely related to the person's self image and early social reactions. "These individuals are very sensitive to environmental circumstances. The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in self-image, affect, cognition, and behavior." This explains the end of many relationships in my life, including ours. I do not put the blame on this, but basically what this means is when someone fears that a relationship might end, they will do something extreme to keep that person with them. Typically, this does not work. I feared we would fall apart from a change of school, so I acted out against you due to this and other things. 

Specific symptoms of BPD:

frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships

identity disturbance

impulsivity

emotional instability

chronic feelings of emptiness

inappropriate, intense anger 

transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts

Now, the site I'm looking at does mention self-harm, which has never been something I would do. It is a common characteristic of BPD but I don't relate to that. What really caught my eye was the inappropriate, intense anger, and the paranoid thoughts. You had not seen it, but with my siblings, I get extremely overly angered over the smallest things. Sometimes I get violent, and am never proud of it in the end. This happens often when I'm angered, and is the main reason I knew something had to of been wrong with me. The paranoia is typically me actually believing someone is out to get me (usually people I have struggled with in the past) when they really aren't. 

You can read more about it here if you're interested

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/

Or watch the video for a quicker summary

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3P1-OOClQXU

That's all for tonight (I say that like I barely wrote anything). I know you haven't replied since my last chapter, but you said you were getting ready for vacation so I assume that's where you are. Let me know how that is btw. I don't know where you went but I'm sure it had to of been great. Thanks again for letting me talk about all the shit in my life and everything that's on my mind. I appreciate it. 

 

july 19th

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