Dear Sarah

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13. I really get something on my mind when I get something on my mind

This is another of my all-time favorites. The Rolling Stones are a blessing to the music industry, and this song is one I have taken to heart.

"Beast of Burden" by The Rolling Stones

 

Dear Sarah,

I'm desperate for companionship, and am uncomfortable in my own self. I often think of what it would be like to be different person, have an alternate identity. I've found myself to be Holden Caulfield yet I can't seem to find my ducks. That is a spectacular book, I would like to add. Catcher in the Rye I have found is extremely relatable, especially in the commentary of mental health. I recommend it, if you have the time. Growing up is a dastardly concept. I always seem to place a negative tinge on the adults in life, but find clarity in the bliss of being an unaware child. It's not easy being in between. Easy is a concept I always find myself facing. When can we truly pull apart the differences in which is easy and which is not.

Museums are sort of a haven for me. I admire their unwillingness to change. History often does not change, and this is astonishing to me. How can one thing stay while everything else in life seems to constantly, or slowly, shift. Change is something I find myself hiding from. So far, it has done no good to me and I don't see it doing good in the coming years. I feel manic sometimes. Then others I have lows that I am unable to escape. I'm running out of words in my heart, and now they're replaced by those in my head. I'm not sure what to write, as I feel I've already opened myself up more than I have ever been wiling. You must think me to be some stick in the mud who forgets how to have fun. That isn't too far off, as I haven’t gone out it a long time. I wish I remembered how to have fun.

Everything will be better in college, right? That's what I said before high school, but now I think I believe it. Should I believe it? If not, maybe I could find love and companionship afterwards. I'm holding on because I want my future, I just don't want the now. If I have no hope, then I am nothing, so this is a great sign. I’m a hypocrite. I've done many things that I'm not proud of, then throw shade (what a fun phrase) at people who do the same. Perhaps it means I realize what I've done wrong and have bettered myself, or maybe I am a flat out asshole. I think it is typically the latter. That is yet another thing I wish I knew about myself. Why is it that I seem to know nothing? "All I know is that I know nothing." I hate that quote. It's all philosophical and utterly redundant. I've never liked it. It has become a cleshay, as many other things have. I hate cleshays. You're phony if you use them. You're phony if you don't. I'm phony.

I'm still worried about what you will choose to do with all the information that is my life. I only fear that it will come back to my parents. They blame everything on themselves and this is something that will bring immense guilt. I'm sorry to burden you with all of this. It is neither your fault nor your problem. But still, I'm at a loss for what to do. My "best four years of your life" has been shattered. You could say I'm jealous, still. Jealous of everyone I see in their solid groups, having the actual time of their lives. Is that how it is for you? It seems that way, but everyone has their secrets. I'm supposed to read now. Goodbye.

 

may eleventh

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