Dear Sarah

why does this have so many views


11. I hate that word I hate that word I hate that word I hate that word

Ah this song really depresses me, but I love it almost more than every other song that I've had the pleasure to hear. Yet another musical genius with controversial yet pleasant words.

"Imagine" by John Lennon


Dear Sarah,

When I speak I never seem to be able to find the right words, but when I write my mind is overflowing with a selection. I don't see how this makes sense, as it makes me completely incapable of having a comfortable conversation. I can say things with a pen that I would never speak out loud. I am going to tell you something about myself that I find to be a large part of who I am. I have yet to share it with another person. Perhaps it is easier this way. Maybe the words will slip out by accident and then everything will fall into place as it should be. I'm not sure, and as I said before, I absolutely despise not knowing how my life or certain events will turn out. I spent that past two years wishing myself to be another person. It's hard being around hundreds of people a day. Hundreds of girls a day that you want to be just like, but you can't figure out what it is that makes them them. I want to be something that I'm not. I imagine everything would be easier if I was just normal or attractive. Maybe life would be easier, but there still is no guarantee. It's so easy for people to want to change themselves and to be another person that they deem perfect. We look at these situations as either we change ourselves, or the world changes how they look at us. But of course, which is the easier option? People who have a lower self esteem would never think of their ability to change the world. Our minds never work that way, and it's a shame. So, people find themselves changing, adapting to fit what it is they want to be. Still, this isn't always effective. I am one of these adapting people. I have changed, much more than I ever intended. I won't know for a while whether it was for better or worse.

I did say I was going to confess something to you. I'm shaking, I'm still nervous. There's no telling that you even read this. I've just never admitted it to anyone before. It's hard because people expect you're something your entire life and then you just... shatter that image I guess. It's not that I don't think people would accept me. I'm prepared for my family to be great about it, an my friends too. Still, I'm worried. I can't explain it. It's hard to explain it to something. Have you ever doubted yourself before? So much you were willing to change that part of yourself? It's brutal, and I'd rather not go into the details. I know there are people who would wish to condemn me for this, but I'm not worried about that. I have no time for ignorant minds.

I always planned on telling you first. I almost did, two years ago. I almost admitted to you that I had a crush on, as I put it, "someone I shouldn't like." By that statement it was clear I didn't like who I was. I've accepted it know. Embraced it, even. You had told me in eighth grade that you thought I was most likely to be bisexual, and I got defensive because I was questioning that myself at the time. That is part of the reason I pushed away from you. You saw me for who I was and I didn't like that. You saw me for exactly what I didn't want to be, and I resented you for that. I'm not bisexual, but I sure as hell am gay. I had to stop for a few minutes after that. How do you even follow up a statement like that? I don't feel different, only because this isn't how I wanted to tell you. I still want to tell you because you never judged me. You were always someone I could trust with my life. I lost that on my own account. I just needed time to find myself. I'm sorry I didn't handle the situation well. Thank you. If you read this far, thank you.

I'm not sure we will ever meet in person again, but I wouldn't be opposed to the idea. It would be hella awkward though, wouldn't it? I'm sorry. Thank you.


may eighth

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