Dear Sarah

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2. I got distracted for eighteen hours but I'm back

I discovered this song a few years ago, and immediately took it to heart. It's words are simple and straightforward, but it truly does lift my spirits.

"O-o-h Child" by The Five Stairsteps

 

Dear Sarah,

As forgetful as I am of course I left out an absurd amount of detail. I went into the fact that I am lacking in the friend department, but never fully even went into why that is. Sadly for me, every reason seems to be deliberately out of my control. Nevertheless, I am able to 'get through it' so to speak.

The main reason would obviously be the fact that I'm almost inhumanely socially awkward. I don't know how to just have a natural conversation without acting completely isolated and uninterested with the person I am talking to, even if I'm not. I even catch myself in the act, but see no way out. Funny how that works. I'm quiet, too, if you hadn't noticed (I wish there was an easier way to convey sarcasm on this platform of writing. If there is, I'd rather like to know). Everyone thinks that I am silently judging them (sometimes I am) or plotting to take over the world in my void of silence. It's sad when the world creates their own ideas of what you are if you don't show them yourself. It's too late at this point. I'm too far in.

 These are typically out of my control, or somewhat in my control if I have the courage, but others I cannot even attempt to combat. I'm thin. Too thin for my own taste. This is something I have become very insecure about over the past couple of years. It got pointed out so much by everyone in middle school and constantly joked about, and now that's all festering into something much worse. I wear long sleeves as often as I can under my polo, and when I don't I try my best to hide my arms in shame. I've caught people staring. My legs, too, are unnaturally thin. In the colder seasons I could easily wear leggings under my skirt, but now it seems to be too warm for that. It's funny, because outside of school I'll show my arms in public with no sense of shame. I don't have to worry, just as I shouldn't. It is only my peers at school that threaten my security. Now, this had at first only been a struggle within my mind, but now has turned into much more. Of course, it wouldn't be high school without rumors. Oh, do I have a bone to pick (is that really the saying?) with rumors. People will take the fact that I'm really thin and immediately try and come up with an explanation. Of course, to my detriment. Anorexia, is what came up. I've had people actually ask me, "Are you anorexic?" or barely more subtle, "Do you eat?" To which I reply, with a no and a yes. I also get frustrated with the "You need to eat more." I do eat, thanks. I eat plenty enough, not fast enough for my metabolism it seems.

It could be reasonable, though. Everyone knows I go to the library during lunch, so they assume I'm not eating in there, and assume I don't eat altogether. Morons. I will speak now of two incidents. First, is with a girl I will call Gina. Gina asked me, "Why do you go to the library during lunch?" I was thrown off guard by the question and replied, "What no I go to the café and eat first." Blunt lie. She knew I was lying and pried further, "Do you even eat your lunch though?" I explained I did. I ate goldfish right next to her in that class every day, but that didn't break the rumors. Another incident was with a boy I will call Tim. Tim and I were friendly. One freshman started making anorexic jokes to Tim. Tim started defending people with anorexia and looked across the room to me, nodded his head, winked, then went back on defending. Come on Tim, why you gotta be like that?

This is turning into kind of a sob story. Gross. I'm not here for your sympathy, only explaining my situation. I'm desperate, you could say. This is what it has come to. But like I said, even if you don't read this, it is soothing to at least put it out there, rather than keeping it inside. That's what people tell you to do, right? "Don't keep things bottled up!!!1!!!1" Thanks, big help. I've never been one to be so openly emotional. Makes me look weak. However, at home I'm angered pretty easily and can get very emotional. Still, I never talk about my feelings or anything like that. I would like to talk to my mom. She's the person I love more than anyone, but still. I can't even talk to her. My dad, certainly not. We don't get along, and rightfully so.

Okay, okay this is a bit too personal for my liking, but I guess it's too late for that. Let me go a bit more casual for a minute so I can recollect myself. I take the AP US history exam in 2 days. Yay. The class was a nightmare, but the teacher was amazing. Still, I don't see this exam going very well for me. The people in my class are just so smart, and I've almost given up on some things altogether. I'll just wing the test like I usually do. See how that goes. I'm not technically going into anything with history, but English and history do kind of go hand in hand.

Hey, how's this little phrase for ya? "In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue is history's mitochondria?" Get it? I think it's a hoot but, honestly maybe it's just flat out stupid. Either way, what's the difference these days. Everyone has different opinions and they'll cut your throat just to prove them. Ruthless; that's what you have to be to survive. Maybe natural selection is becoming a fable. If so, we're all doomed. If this is reality, then fiction is surfacing and the past is making a return.

Yikes, okay. We'll end this journal on that note then.

 

may third

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