Dear Sarah

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15. I don't want to talk about this but when do I want to talk about anything

I heard this song first many years ago, but never fell in love with it the way I have recently. I was out at dinner when this song came on, and at the time I was in a really rough mood, and it uplifted me to the point I wanted to break out singing it in the restaurant.

"Drift Away" by Uncle Kracker

 

Dear Sarah,

This is something I withheld from you. I didn't speak about it to anyone, not even the people it involved. This is something that had an insanely deep impact on my life, and it just came back into my head yesterday. I went to see "Beautiful" with my mom at the Aronoff. This was about the great Carole King and her journey to singing/songwriting. However, it was not all quite that beautiful Carole was cheated on twice by her husband, who she married young due to pregnancy. 

My parents married at ages 19 and 20 (I think), after my mom got pregnant with my older brother. And continuing to follow Carole's story, my father cheated on my mom. I can't think of how to put this into words. I can put almost anything into words, so this shows how much this has effected me.

This played part in how I acted with you, as I became cold any my judgement was clouded. I questioned my own relationships with people. What made the situation worse, was my mom forgave that asshole. He's a pervert who only gives a shit about sex and I would appreciate it if he was out of my life. He leaves vulgar texts on my mom's phone and is much too physical with her in front of both my 10 year old sister and myself. 

He's disgusting, a coward, and I hate him for what he did to my mother. I resent my mother for being too weak to leave his sorry ass. For some reason, she calls herself a feminist and is all for female empowerment, but is so focused on what others think of her, putting on makeup, and is dependent on her husband.

It's pathetic, and I just don't understand. It's hard to live with him still. Everyday, knowing what he did. He disgusts me, but I don't let him know that. For some reason, I still don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't like hurting people's feelings.

Home is supposed to be the place I can escape my emotional instability, but it only seems to heighten it. Between my feelings towards my dad and my constant battle with my brother, I can't find peace. On top of that my sister is an ignorant homophobic kid who is so uneducated (by no fault of her own because that is just how the world is) that her words are "it should be a boy and a girl." I hate my home, I hate school, and I miss my safe place. Your house was my safe place. There I was welcomed and didn't have to try to impress anyone or hide my feelings because I was always happy there. I never told you, but that was the reason I never really had you over at my house. That and the fact my parents embarrass the hell out of me (no offense mom). 

I'm just so hurt. I'm so hurt and I need someone.

So with this, my finding my sexuality, and other insecurities, I failed as your friend.

 

may fifteenth 

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