Dear Sarah

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26. Distance makes the heart grow fonder

You may or may not have already read this, but I'd like to have it up in collection with the other sections as well. This is probably my most honest journal yet, and hardest to write. Again I'm afraid of your response (if there will be one) but all I have is time. I've got all summer, now that I'm back from SC, to do absolutely nothing. 

 

Dear Sarah,

I finished writing this at 2am and had to get up at 6am on the 22nd. Didn't want to lose my thoughts you're welcome.
  ...
  I read your side the morning after you published it. I was laying in an absurdly uncomfortable bed at about 7 am trying to fall back asleep. I couldnt, so I got on my phone only to see a Movellas email notification stating you posted a new story. It was one of those moments where you don't even know how you feel. Mostly I was scared, but another part of me wanted to be excited as this is what I had been waiting for since I published the first chapter of my story.
  Have you ever been in one of those situations, good or bad, where you have nothing to say but 'wow.' Reading your story left me with that. Looking back at my story, I feel insane. You were able to convey so much with so little. I gave you every little unnecessary detail. Probably because I've never told anyone these things and it's nice to have someone to talk to. I didn't have all of the thoughts I have now at first. It was every time my mind was free to wander that I thought about all you wrote. I've read it a few more times, now that I'm over the shock that you actually replied to my wild story.   Now, I'm going to read through again and make a few comments as I go along.  

O N E  

You asked me why I wrote what I wrote, especially after 2 years of practically nothing. I didn't want to wait 2 years. I was stubborn, and waited for you to reach out to me. That's how I spent the summer before freshman year. Waiting. Then, as time passed, I felt it was too late. What does 'too late' really mean? Why is there a certain time that things have to happen? Maybe we just needed the time to figure out who we are. We were such great friends I don't think we could tell which parts of us belonged to the other half and which were our own. We've had that time to figure it out, and I realized I'm not okay living without those parts of you in my life. That is why I wrote the story. I also hoped to share why I acted how I did, although excuses never help. I'm sorry for bringing it all back up, as you seem to be happy.

We did have something special! Something so special yet so fragile. We never fought so we never had any real practice at it. You were so special to me. You understood me more than anyone ever will. We grew up together, and I'll never forget practically moving with you through all those houses. I remember the one with the driveway that went low down and we would find giant rocks to drop down from the side. Or at one of your birthday parties where we couldn't stop laughing and I walked around the table with my eyes closed to try and ignore all you trying to make me laugh again. Or the other party where I broke your grandma's lamp by kicking it and sleeping with my eyes open. Our games of truth or dare we're never boring either. I know on multiple occasions I ran around barefoot in 6 inches of snow. Half the time it was my idea lol. You were my sister and family is forever. That will never change.

I had no idea at the time that me, C, and S were as exclusive as we were. I thought the two of them were so exciting and cool, as they were different than all the rest of the friends I've ever had. Different isn't always a good thing. I worked very hard to impress the two of them by listening to the same music and speaking like them. I never once felt as close to them, if at all, as I was to you. You were my sister for seven years. I took that for granted, thinking there was no way I could lose you, no matter how upset you were. You really did sacrifice a lot for me, though. I'm grateful. I don't even talk to S and C. And honestly, I don't mind it. I went to C's house once freshman year with S and realized I really don't like hanging out with them. They haven't changed. I'm sorry I didn't give you the attention you needed. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and I'm sorry I'm not there for you now.

April 27, 2015. I can't believe you remember the exact day. I can't remember anything for even an hour. I do, however, remember being in the bus holding back tears, and failing, while text fighting with you. Everything I said hurt me more than I ever could imagine, so I can't even begin to think how much I hurt you. Those words did come easy to me. Not because I had labeled you with them before, but because these are words that once hurt me. My brother, who I had always considered my closest ally, described me as 'annoying' and 'immature.' Still, I continue to act more refined around him so as not to be the annoying little sister. These words hurt me, and for some horrid reason I wanted to hurt you too. All you did was call me out for being a douche and I couldn't handle it.   I respect that you gave up after trying so hard. I wish I had tried. I still, even in the midst of fighting, never thought I could lose you. I didn't even try and I will always regret the pain I caused you.

T W O  

I'm glad you understand how writing truly is a feasible outlet and you were able to use it too.

The first summer before freshman year was no walk in the park for me either. I took shelter in my room and avoided S and C, as I began blaming them rather than myself for what happened. I cried a lot. I fell into this loop of depression but I cried for you more than I cried for me. I needed you, Sarah. You needed me and I couldn't even be there for you. I'm sorry. But, I'm here now. Two years late and you're happy but I'm here.

You say you had trouble letting people in and trusting freshman year. I felt the same way, and still do. Nobody knows anything valuable about me. They don't know I had to stay in the hospital a week after I had surgery. They don't know I have ADD and am extra forgetful off my meds. You always knew when I was off my meds. They don't even know I can play any instruments or write. Not a single one of them.

YOU GOT A LEAD AS A FRESHMAN THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY. Yeah yeah I knew you wouldn't be quitting theatre anytime soon. You were an outstanding actress in middle school so I can't even imagine how you've improved now. Never give that up. It's who you are and you shouldn't have to sacrifice that for anybody.

This 'S' girl sounds like a real tool. First off, you are the last person I would expect to use anyone. Second, she should've realized a good thing when she had it. She should trust you if she thinks she has any chance at being a good friend to you.

Sarah you're the most emotional but straightforward, beautiful but deep, funny but serious person I have had the pleasure of meeting. Never once did you annoy me, as you were always great company. You're immaturity, and mine alike, is what made us such a great pair. Why the hell would I want some mature person as my friend? You remember how we laughed at stuff as stupid and immature as E's yogurt. The problem with those two words is they seem to be taken the wrong way. Embrace that immaturity and use it to your advantage. Everyone's annoying to someone. We're all different. If someone can't accept and love those parts of you, then I don't even see why they get the privilege of being spoken of. In my eyes, there are two types of immaturity. Remember in 2nd grade when all the boys would laugh at the word 'it' no matter the context because it was some innuendo for sex? Yeah, that's not the kind of immaturity I envy. The second kind, your kind, is much preferred. You have this mindful, innocent, immaturity that I shared and loved.

T H R E E  

Yeah I don't remember much of our fights. I was naive. I thought it would all go away and be forgotten about as if it had never happened. I felt it was not worth remembering. Then, I lost you and began pushing everything out of my mind out of false hate. I don't remember because everything I said wasn't genuine. None of the words I used to describe you should have been directed towards you, and I would never wish to put them in the same sentence as your name again.

You deleted and threw away pictures? I couldn't do that. I'm still holding on to those memories. I have the 'Best Friend Book,' Snowball pictures, and a whole folder entitled 'Sarah' in my laptop. You're not something I want to forget. You were, and forever will be a part of my life. Ohana, right? I can't forget the positive impact and influence you have made in my life. With you, I discovered my passion for writing. You pushed me and I appreciate that.

Yeah I remember the hotel! It was some place I had never heard of not like Marriott or Best Western or something. Like off-brand Doritos but sketchier. That just made me think of how I used to have vanilla ice cream with nacho cheese Doritos at your house. Golden Years, huh? I wanted good Chicago deep dish so bad and we ended up at that place with all the old people yeah. They had ice cream there but the waitress was all "I'm not supposed to tell you this but there's better ice cream down the street."  I remember the "fashion show" they did at the concert, 5SOS singing Katy Perry, and me waving my camera in the air when they sang "Little Things." See, I actually have a good memory when it comes to things I care about.

Jeez (Geez?) this 'S' person again? She seems like a negative person who wasn't doing much good. You did end up finding better friends anyways. Still, she kind of acted like I had. I never realized you were fighting for us until it was too late. Hopefully you're done with her being (what sounds like) manipulative. She even did some petty shit, which also sounds like me. Yikes. I'm fixing myself, though. Losing you made me rethink everything. I even get along better with my parents now. Still, anyone who doesn't see the love right in front of them doesn't deserve your trust. That is something that must be earned back.

F O U R  

Girls our age are always going to give us looks. We're not perfect, and on the surface everyone thinks they are perfect. The only difference is everyone can see our imperfections.
 

Nothing is wrong with you. I hate that I made you feel like there was a part of you that needed to change. You are who you are and I, and many others, have loved you for it. It is what's wrong with me that ruined things, and I've overcome that. Don't blame yourself for other people's  wrongs.   

My sister is extra outgoing too. She has about ten best friends and I wonder just how long each will last. They are close, like a family, as they all do competitive dance together. They have practically become my family and have about 7 sisters lol. I too hope someone doesn't hurt her, although that is part of life. Remember when we tried to hook the two of them up so we could actually be sister-in-laws one day. We didn't need that, though. We were already sisters. Don't worry about your brother. He'll learn to deal with and overcome pain and insecurities. And if he needs help, he has you.

Woah woah woah. Staying up with you and talking about boys or planning my marriage with the Giggles were never ever lies. At the time that is exactly what I thought I wanted. I loved our talks and always looked forward to them. I know I could've talked to you. I wasn't even sure what I was, and I know you would have helped me. I've needed you so much these past couple years. I've needed the support of my best friend.
 

Yeah I remember wanting guy best friends. I never understood how all the people in our class had co-ed friends. Wow you've told 3 people? I haven't told anyone. I don't like talking to people about anything. Except you. Somehow just saying all this is still so easy. Connections never go away, I guess. I'm glad you have J. You needed someone and now you have that person to make you happy. I love how he is taking those words you feel are negative toward you and making them positive.
 

"You probably don't care and don't want to know" Come on. You think I reached out to you because I don't care? I never stopped caring. I don't think it's possible. I've never been good at expressing my feelings and opening up, but here I am doing that because I care. J sounds like a keeper. You fight for him even when there's no reason to fight.

F I V E  

Yeah I never thought anything would change either. I always pictured us being roomates in college. This part made me cry. You really did see me as your maid of honor. I wish that could still be true. I always wanted that. I did, however, sometimes doubt if you favored E over me. I thought many times that she was your real best friend. I did get a bit jealous with that, but never really felt it needed to be brought up. I guess we're bringing everything up here though.

Where's that optimism I always loved? Who says your brother won't keep his friends forever? Yeah, people change, but most people accept those changes. I hope none of his friends feel they need to do what I did. Have hope. Hope is a strong piece of life. He has you, no matter what.

You have every right to blame me. I did some horrible things and took all my anger, hate, and confusion out on you. I was in a bad spot and when you called me out, I just unleashed all that hate towards myself and my dad on you. None of that hate was intended for you, yet you ended up hurt the most.

We did have a strong bond. So strong we've managed to be writing to each other now, openly and two years after a dead friendship. Sharing all our feelings without shame. We were bullied by the same girl. You protected me at my worst, and now that things are bad again, I somehow expect you to protect me again.

Just when I thought J couldn't be a better friend for you, you throw in the ruby story. What a perfect way to describe you.
  

S I X  

I guess this is the end. In my eyes, we will always be sisters. We've just lost each other. I'm not sure that we'll find each other again, but I'd be mad at myself if I hadn't tried. I'm just crying writing this because I hate goodbyes even though we've already said goodbye before. I don't want this to be over but I don't have that choice. I lost that choice two years ago. Maybe we can keep writing to each other, but I'm not sure if that will help. Writing this won't help me move on. It is only making me hurt more. Unless this ends, or we somehow manage to mend things, I'm not sure I could do this much longer. That pains me because I've enjoyed talking to you, even though it's in this format. You were my best friend and I'm just repeating myself because I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm not even publishing this for a week so why is this an issue. Thank you. Hold on to your happiness because now that I've been unhappy for two years and counting, well, you see how desperate I've become.

Here is a memo I wrote after my last chapter:  

You're in a separate world than my own. You've let go of things I can't even imagine releasing. I'm horrible at forgetting objects or people. Which is ironic because I'm the most forgetful person I know. I messed a good thing up after seven years of friendship. Seven years. That's almost half of my life. I figured it would take me another seven years to truly let go. So far, two and counting. You, however, have happiness to hold on to. Don't open your hands, or it might just slip between your fingers. Moving forward, I intend to shy away from the mistakes I've already made. There's that stupid 'learn from your mistakes' saying that I am for once going to follow. I don't regret our friendship, no matter the pain that followed. You showed me everything I needed to know about the world, and everything I wasn't seeing about myself. Without you, I probably wouldn't be as in to writing as I have found myself to be. Thank you for that. I wouldn't be so passionate about music if you hadn't shown me what it's like to truly be passionate about something. Thank you for that. Most importantly, you showed me what friendships are supposed to feel like. You know how people are always saying that fighting is good for people, as it strengthens the connection between people? I don't think we fought enough. That one fight really destroyed us, didn't it? We weren't prepared. And hell if I have to start shit with the next person I'm close to so I don't lose them in the long run, then that's what I'll do. This may be my final goodbye, and I hope you take it to heart. I will pursue your attention no longer if that's what you want, and will no longer reach out to you. I understand you may want nothing to do with me at this point. If you choose to let me back in your life, I promise to make this a team effort. We'll fight together. We respect each other enough to write these refined journals to each other, and respect is a basis to any sort of relationship. If me being in your life again would ruin your happiness, then this is a final goodbye. I don't know. Let me know. I hope one day you will find room in your heart to forgive me, but until then, goodbye Sarah.
  - me 💩💩🔥🔥🔥

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