Dear Sarah

why does this have so many views


1. I have homework to do but I'm doing this instead

 I'll add a song now to each chapter that fits, and you can play that song while you read for a deeper meaning into the chapter. You could listen to it before first, then read after. however you would like. Or not at all is fine. 


This is my all time favorite song. It has gotten me through more tough times than you could imagine. I hope you see through to it's alternate story.

"Piano Man" by Billy Joel


Dear Sarah,

I hope the title caught your attention. If not, that opening must have. I hate the word 'must,' by the way. Everything about it just seems wrong. People say that if you repeat a word enough that it will begin to sound weird. However, it only takes once for me to question if 'must' is even a real word. I'm not nervous writing this, but I will be once I have finished. I question whether or not I can even trust that my memory is right. It often fails me. The events (if you can even call them events) that transpired two years ago are very deluded in my mind. I can't seem to separate fact from fiction. I hope that in writing this I am able to bring light to myself, and more importantly to you. Of course, putting it nicely, I was an asshole. I'd rather not get into all of that mess right now though. But, don't worry. That will come soon.

Now I would like to talk about the present; the here and the now. You could say with the end of eighth grade came the end of my social life. I lost you, a friend I had had for seven years, and another. Now, the end of sophomore year is coming and I haven't even talked to the other two friends whose names start with an S for almost a year. I haven't even tried. I took everything I loved for granted, and am left now with my family who has no choice but to stick with me through even the hell that I seem to put them through. I'm irritable, painstakingly stubborn, and for some reason completely unable to admit defeat or even offer a simple apology. I have been working on these flaws, but finding no real end to them. Part of this, I like to often force the blame on my ADD. I haven't been on that medicine for a while due to it making me even more irritable than usual. However, that doesn't explain all of my incompetent actions.

When I came into the new school freshman year, I expected a sea of lone wolfs, looking for refuge. As it turned out, I was the only one alone. It seemed that everyone was coming from the same schools. There were about five schools that people came from, with their friends. A few nice people would reach out to me, and I would stand awkwardly by. I hadn't had to make friends in a long time. All of my friends were yours first. So, naturally, I failed at this. After freshman orientation was over, we began our first real day of school with the upperclassmen. At this point, I had to conquer the lunch room. I stuck with one girl that I will call Mary (for privacy reasons) and we found a spot together. Just me, her, and a few juniors that we did not speak to. After two days of this, I felt awkward sitting with just Mary while seeing others in large groups having enormous amounts of fun. So, on the third day, I did something that I will continually regret. I ditched Mary to go sit in the library during lunch at one of the solitary desks. You cannot eat in the library, so I was forced to eat my food in secret. Sometimes, that proved to be difficult. I have not eaten in the lunchroom since.

This, of course, makes me miss the days where I would be counting the minutes until lunch with my friends. Now I have none to enjoy that privilege with. When I would watch movies and see someone eating in the bathroom, my ignorant self would wonder, "How can they just go there without anyone noticing." I realized my freshman year that nobody does notice. Not if there is nobody to care. The library is not always open for lunch. And when it's not, I'm too embarrassed to try and find a seat in the lunchroom with people who already solidified 'their table,' so I brave it out on the toilets. It's uncomfortable, and sometimes people notice that you've been in there long. But they don't care, so why should I? I don't mind it. I get some alone time and can get away from the pressures of being around people you barely know.

Now, I don't mean to say I have no friends. I'm gaining some, kind of. The first I will talk about, I will call Emma. Emma is probably the closest thing I have to a friend. We went through driving school together, and are constantly laughing with each other. She's never what I pictured a friend of mine to be. She's a cheerleader who is obsessed with the color pink, Ariana Grande, and is beyond flirty. She was only in one of my classes freshman year (we made some pretty lit movies) but none this year. We bonded over waiting after school for our parents to come pick us up. Still, we have never actually done anything outside of school besides homework, even though we have talked about it. I can be myself around her, which is something I can't say for all my 'friends.'

Next, I'll talk about Mary. Remember her, and how I ditched her to fend for herself in the lunchroom? Yeah. I was scared, and I made an impulsive decision that I now regret. That seems to be a pattern in my life. Mary is very smart. Third in our class, 102% average smart. I was in a few of her classes freshman year, and we talked. But in truth, we only every talk about school. Bummer. Now, we only share homeroom, which we don't have everyday. So, our conversations are short and usually consist of badmouthing our apush teacher. Still, I can't complain to have someone to talk to.

Another friend who our chatter is exclusive to the classroom only, I will call Diana. Diana and I had Latin class together freshman year. We helped each other out a ton and even had a few laughs doing so. Now, we're not really all that close but I can still be completely myself around her. I have a class with Diana again this year, and nothing has changed really.

That about sums it up. There are some others that I will sometimes talk to, or a core group of people that are in the library after school that I play Uno and Poker with, but nothing too special. It's weird not having really anyone to hang out with on the weekends. I usually spend them with family or alone. There have even been times where my parents just feel sad for me, and will invite me on their Tuesday night 'date night.' I feel so embarrassed going, knowing that others my age usually have more exciting plans. I've gotten used to it, though. Having so much free time on my hands. I've developed my writing, as I've been taking a creative writing class for the past two years at school. At this point, I've abandoned my dreams of becoming a marine biologist (I'm horrid at science) and have ultimately decided that I will be an English major. Pretty cool, right? Anyway, loneliness isn't all that great. It can really take a toll on a person's life, as it had mine. I opened the window the other day. But here I am writing to you. This may juts be a cry for help after all, but I don't know. It's kind of soothing to put all this out there.  

This is turning out to be way longer than I hoped. This is what happens when I just let things flow. I want to make it clear that I have wanted to reach out to you in the past. Explain myself etcetera. I even made a video. It was much too long though, and I'm still kind of insecure about my demeanor, even with you who I have always known. Part of the reason I stopped that is because I found no way that I could send it to you. So, here I am. I know some other ways I actually have reached out to you may come to mind. Perhaps you may remember the 'accidental' text messages, or spur of the moment greetings. Those were all childish, and looking back I do not see how those were even a logical option. I'm sorry for those. I felt bad about myself and was trying to bring you down to my level. I'm glad I failed.

I'm going to put (I shouldn't use that word, it's such a horrible filler word but tbh I don't know what else to use) what I would like to say next into the next chapter. I already kind of dove into the past, but no worries. Actually, while I have all this on my mind, I might just go ahead and write it.


may second

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