𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐑

Throughout the dusk; a creature with four limbs is seen on their night watch. Two pure circles surround the watchmen. Every time a star shines- a new moment holds a memory close to heart. Four wheels leave a trail behind for any living unit to follow. Almost as if they want something to follow the right path. Dusty roads, broken down structures once build by what were once called; ‘Man’. Now? there’s nothing to fear as fear itself.

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3. FEAR HIMSELF

CH. 3

Remember when I told you about the party? I don’t actually remember anything about that night. It’s maybe the only reason why I wrote it like that in the first place. I wanted someone to listen, and I wanted someone to feel tangled up in what could have been a story. I guess, you might feel cheated. I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed you. Might as well continue where the disappointment left off. Right? Well, I was just a disappointment after disappointment. Nobody really cared whether I was feeling under the weather. Nobody really cared whether my name was Rain. I know it sounds weird, and you’re right to think that I’m just a Nobody trying to be a somebody. I just don’t have it in me to tell you my real name. Wouldn’t it be much more preferable to read my name as if it just rolls off the end of your tongue? Just like rain, I guess we have a whole lot in common. I don’t leave puddles behind unless we count the many times I’ve vomited at an after-party.

So, you have been left with another disappointing story that doesn’t quite fit your expectations. It’s not that I don’t feel anything, and it’s not that I don’t have the power to tell an interesting story. It’s just, I don’t have the rights to write anything engrossing. I’m under strict rules, we all are! Not a single soul has spoken out about the party. Not a single person has shared details about who they fancy. You are now just left with me rambling onto other topics. But I don’t feel bad for telling you a whole lot of bullshit. I actually feel like the true story exists somewhere in my words. It’s not like you’d notice them anyway. I don’t write to impress, and I don’t even write to make a difference. If anything, I write as it’s the freedom of speech. It’s my own way of telling you what really happened that night.

Upon awakening at around 3 AM, I didn’t have much to say to the so-called family. I went downstairs after a serious hangover. After vomiting down the stairway, I left a trail for them to follow. Sure, it led to the bathroom- nowhere exciting. But I didn’t do it on purpose, almost like I didn’t hurt Venus on purpose. I guess it’s about time I tell you the truth. I’ve had many sleepless nights trying to put the pieces together. Now, I’m thinking that you might know the answers to the spaces I left behind. Dreams are the only thing that keep me remembering Venus. She wasn’t always the party girl everyone had known her for. I guess I should also tell you about how she died that night too. It was nothing to do with me, and I wouldn’t have blamed myself if it weren’t for the entire school piling on me with their bullshit stories.

After my own mother died, I sworn to secrecy. I didn’t want to tell a living soul about what I had done. Her death may have not been as accidental as I once thought. My own father doesn’t seek answers. So, I figured; why should I try to seek answers either? I still don’t have a reason to look for answers. But I do have many stories to tell you. I’m not sure whether you want to hear them as you’re still thinking what a Bitch I was for making you believe that there was a real story here. The whole party scene, and the entire so-called sex scene. It was nothing too beautiful, and I’d almost call it rape if it wasn’t for Venus joining in.

You see, I thought we always kept our friends close, and our enemies closer? I’m not sure anymore, nothing really makes sense. My enemies aren’t really with me anymore. They are just ghosts from the past, and I’m still acting like they exist. My mind tells me one thing, and my head tells me another. Music really makes me change my perspective on what I’m thinking. I listen to it as it’s my way of blocking out the ghost whispers. Now, I’m thinking that music was just my barrier to hide away the pain I felt within. My brother once told me that putting up barriers was never the answer. My father would fence us in if there was ever a midtown flood.

Okay, I’m ready to tell you the truth. It’s not the whole truth, but I swear to you it’s closer to anything but the truth. Venus didn’t do anything wrong, she was just being- well, Venus. Herself, and I can’t blame her for being the person she once was. She has nothing against me, and I’ve got nothing against her. Well, I don’t have anything against her now. If anything, I’m starting to miss her. When they tell you that the world is ending- people just laugh. When they tell you that your world is ending, your life. You’re the only one who knows it. And then you feel something that you can’t take back. Regret, and every memory you once had will mean something to you within the very second of finding out you’re dying. Venus didn’t have that chance; she was taken away by someone who didn’t feel a thing.

Welcome to the party of all years to come. Welcome to the After-Party…

I arrived a little later than usual, I had everything that I could have wanted. I had myself with a bottle that was close to being empty. I didn’t get the last drop as a Sweden boy stole the bottle from me with his drunken pals. I was then left with nothing but myself, and Venus was the only thing I had that night. Some reason Venus supported me for wanting to be known as Rain. I guess she saw it as something that didn’t really matter. It mattered to me, she respected me for having the bravery to change my name to something that I liked. IF only she had known that I didn’t choose the name myself.

Slow music fills the air, I’m hearing strings, I’m hearing a loud drum every three seconds. The pool itself ripples from the speakers that were super loud. Not a single body dared to go deeper, and one guy jumped out from underneath the clear waters. His shirtless, and I’m now starting to like what I see. Venus hands me a drink; I’m left sitting with her as she tells me to follow her. Being pulled away by your best friend is like a dream come true. You just know that this one person wants you to have a good time. I’m dragged by my hand, and Venus hands me another drink as I can see many party games around me. There’s guys kissing each other, and women stoned off their ass swallowing a whole lot of red liquid. A large guy stands beside the punch with his mouth wide open. Another who looks a little shallow hands a woman a card. She looks at it for a second, and he receives a gift that leads him upstairs.

Just about hearing Venus’s voice is reassuring enough to keep that smile on your face. She’s trying to tell me about how this party was the best one yet. I’m listening to her, my lack of focus on her beautiful dress doesn’t startle me one bit. My mind elsewhere, my eyes looking around the room at everyone having a good time. So, drinking, swallowing, screaming, and even laughing is what we should be doing. Now, I know that Venus wasn’t too happy with my ignorance. Sometimes I’d think back to where me and her once dated as a dare. We went so far with this dare; she planted a kiss on me, and I left her panties on the door handle to prove to her that I wanted to go all the way. Now, I think back to wanting to tell her that nothing happened that night. We never slept together, and nothing happened.

“Hey, Venus- you didn’t tell me that you were bringing the two angels from up above.” A guy’s voice interrupts my lack of thoughts.

She’s left feeling unsure, a little weirded out by a guy who’s smaller than her. “Didn’t think you’d notice.” She said as she sipped her red cup.

Resting his arm on the couch, he looked her in the eyes. “I didn’t think you’d care.” He smirked.

Venus didn’t move a muscle, she just gulped and downed the entire liquid in her red cup. Handing it to me as if I was some kind of garbage deposit. Next thing I know I’m left on my own as the small guy is pounced on by Venus.

“You know something; I didn’t think I’d win myself an award.” He laughed.

Venus couldn’t help but joke; “I bet you didn’t think you’d find a planet that’s approachable.”

“Ha, I sure like the two planets I’m staring at right now. Thanks.” He smirked.

It was a little cringe-worthy to hear them both flirting about planets. Obvious to some, but to others it was questionable. I didn’t make a move on anyone that night, I kind of just brushed every guy off my chest. And any dude that had the ability to charm me was pushed away within a second.

Hazel was dancing with a lampshade around her lover. I left the room at the exact moment where things were getting a little steamy. Venus no longer in the room with me, and I’m now left looking for someone to mingle with. Carly approaches me, the cheerleader who’s continued to wow men since the stone age. So she thinks, and I doubt she’d be a pretty cave woman. The amount of makeup she slaps on her face is enough to make one see plastic written all over her face.

“Oh, look girls! It’s the drama queen that won little Miss fuck-ERY” Carly laughed, her giggle is toxic to my ears.

All four of them looked at me, and the guys couldn’t help but look at me as Carly had poured her drink down my bra. I had no reaction in me, and I couldn’t follow her as the guys lifted her off the ground. Next thing I hear is footsteps and a whole lot of stomping up the stairs. I didn’t dare to follow them. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they were going to do up there. It did get me thinking of the two angels. Um, I mean Venus. I’ll admit that I did have a crush on those two planets side by side. I mean, tits. Ugh, I’m talking about her breasts. I don’t even have the decency to be respectful to a deceased best friend.

“You know; I wouldn’t follow them even if you paid me.” I overheard a whiny voice from behind the wall.

“Not that you’d have to pay her much. She’s like FREE from what I heard.” Diego spoke, I recognised that voice anywhere.

“If that was true, I’d probably be knee-deep in HIV territory. Let alone the Aids I’m sure she carries.”

The nerve of them two talking about me like that. It’s obvious that they had no respect for women. Diego being suspended just a week before for trying to seduce a new teacher at the school. And the whiny voice still doesn’t seem to have a face to it. I’m not sure who it was, and I can’t be certain either. Diego doesn’t hang around with people; he just follows them like a third wheel. If I know Diego, and I so freaking do know that smug two faced, asshole. It was obvious to me that he wasn’t getting as lucky as he bragged about a few nights before.

“You don’t seem to tell her much. You sure you’ve bent her backwards for your own pleasures?” Another guy laughs at Diego. I couldn’t help but try to listen closer.

“Enough about her already!” Diego couldn’t take criticism. “It’s bad enough I’m out of school for some bitch who didn’t want the Diego D”.

I watched as Carly opened the window upstairs screaming out about how she just had fun with a Popular guy at school. Everyone laughed raising a glass to her words. No speech, she’s not one for words. It wasn’t long until she vomited out the window just missing me as I was about to approach to Diego’s annoying face. I watched on as Diego dashed towards the stairs taking a full bottle of Vodka with him. Whiny voice was no longer by his side, and I had the perfect chance to approach him. Seeing Carly at that window made me think whether Venus had finished with Mr. Incredible. 

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