𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐑

Throughout the dusk; a creature with four limbs is seen on their night watch. Two pure circles surround the watchmen. Every time a star shines- a new moment holds a memory close to heart. Four wheels leave a trail behind for any living unit to follow. Almost as if they want something to follow the right path. Dusty roads, broken down structures once build by what were once called; ‘Man’. Now? there’s nothing to fear as fear itself.

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2. FEAR HERSELF

CH. 2

Sometimes I don’t know if I’m following the right path. Times like these make me think back to where there were once walking, talking limbs. Now? Nobody seems to do anything. It’s like the world has stopped, and I’m left on it to inhabit it once more. Whether I’m told to make a difference is down to whether my own fake-family can make me motivated enough to want to do something about it. Instead, we all write as if it’s the only thing that anyone will do nowadays. I don’t write a fantasy, but I know I have the ability to write something pure. I don’t write anything about anyone other than myself as I know that I’m not important enough to be spoken of.

My name, my name? It’s almost like I’ve said this a thousand times. Nobody seems to ever remember it. Maybe it’s because I’m not strong enough with words. My so-called brother is now lost, and I’m not even sure if those two eyes will ever set upon mine again. Although, I am sure that someone will return. I’m left wondering whether a body bag is going to be the one thing on my doorstep. And if it’s not a body bag? I’m expecting someone bleeding from the stomach to fall onto the floor whispering what they wanted to tell the world.

The alienated mother of the house is non-existent as her presence is merely just in bottles. Sometimes I may stare a little too long into a bottle after drinking what I thought would be a relief. My stone cold brother is out there somewhere. My own father doesn’t seem to know I exist, and I’m left wondering if anybody will ever talk to me again. Instead, I’m writing to those who might just listen. But why do I see them as something more than myself? I’ll kill the person who wrote these words- as I am the only person who could possibly express such emotion through my own words. I don’t think you understand me. I’m starting to think that even my own self can’t see past these lies.

Every night that goes by, I await someone to tap on my door. A knock is all I need to hear for reassurance. Weird, if I was to think back to when I had a family- you know? A real one. I’d be afraid of a knocking sound. Now? I just hope that somebody knocks to make me sleep. It’s reassuring to hear a sound in what I call home. This structure is barely holding up its own roof. Just like how my legs are holding up a ‘Nobody’. I don’t seem to need a body to even be classed as nothing. It just requires a little imagination. If I was to tell you that I’m happy where I am- I’d be lying to you again. And if I was to make you believe that I will soon be in a better place; that would a second lie to push you away from thinking about me. To me, I’m dead. And to you? I can only hope that you will read this to see that I’m not really a person at all.

It’s not long until I find out that you do have an imagination. Right this second, I can tell that you are thinking about whatever I might be. You are trying to create an image to my character. Since I’m not allowed to write Fantasy, I can see that you are fantasying over something deep down. Yet, I’m not sure you understand that no body, and no face can make me whole again. That also includes a Nobody like me. If you are reading this trying to understand me. Please don’t think about me too hard. I’m something that is easier to be forgotten rather than remembered.

Two nights ago I crashed at a friend’s house. This was the moment where I noticed that something was off. A Nobody like me happens to have a friend in the middle of nowhere? Actually, I don’t even think I was with someone that night. While my stone cold brother is out there somewhere. I’m getting stoned with what I was sure of at the time was my one true friend. I then awoke the next morning to find that the sun I once woke up to was nothing more than a blurry circle. And the drugs that I had taken a few hours ago; were no longer sitting on the table for me to take a second time. Almost as if I went in reverse, and I never had taken any drugs to begin with.

Remember how I said that I don’t really have the ability or freedom to talk about a fictional character? Well, I don’t think this friend had a name. I’m almost certain that the name is something that rolls off your tongue; Rain. That’s no guess either, I actually remember talking about it with her for a whole seven hours straight. Not quite the response I wanted from her; she just made things seem calm. Once everything had settled on the outside. I was left alone with my own food for thoughts, and she went behind the curtains trying to hide from me. I pulled the curtains off the hooks, and I couldn’t believe that my own reflection resembled her.

Heavy drugs or not, I don’t remember taking too many. Next thing I know is that I’m listening to some music that gets everyone dancing. Nobody looks at me, and not a single person comes over to me. I feel my legs getting tangled up in this messed up situation. My arms drop, and my body rests as I’m carried away by every single drum, bump, and grind. Nothing keeps me going apart from the bright lights- and I’m then feeling off my feet. Just as if someone had swooped down and grabbed me from this wretched planet. Ha, I don’t think this planet even knows what it truly is. It’s a home for those who don’t understand what the real reality is.

Just as the night continues, I can feel my legs pulled by two large hands. I’m stone cold, and I’m left in a swimming pool with many figures blurring into the background. Fading faces approach me, and some back away from me. I’m given another set of pills, and the one person who comes into contact with me is a boy who doesn’t seem to know why he is in the swimming pool to begin with. I’m hearing voices that are edited; screams, and then a robotic voice that seems to follow along the drums. Just as the sounds change, I’m out of my swimming costume. Everyone is now dancing around off their heads. Naked or not; they don’t care that this is the party of a lifetime.

I’m seeing many figures with different shapes and sizes. Even grossed out by the state of some of them. Some gurgling fluids, and others just laughing as if someone is behind them ticking them from behind. Women all around me, my own lady friends screaming out their names. One even thinks she’s on top of the world. I can hear cars driving past me, and the sound of a train heading towards a station. Water continues to bubble beneath our out of rhythm bodies. I’m left strangling myself under the waves. The music continues to drag me under, and next thing I know I’m tangled in strings. I can hear these strings being pulled, and every trigger sets off another emotion.

The only thing that seems to stay in rhythm is my eye movement. My heart has no longer got a rhythm at this point in time. Hazel, a woman who doesn’t know her own name is laughing her head off. Others are dancing in motion with all genders drinking from red cups. It’s not long until I’m seeing stars gazing down on us all. The moon is brighter than ever, and I’m left wondering where the sun has gone. I take a second sip of this liquid that’s been given to me by some other gentleman. He’s left thinking what am I going to do with this? I down it with nothing to stare at like the empty bottles at home. I wish for a clear ocean to swim in, and I’m left with nothing but a pool full of deadbeats.

Venus, lost or not- she seems to know who she orbits around. It’s almost like she knows who she’s talking to. I’m watching her as she’s out there rolling around cheeks on a guy’s lap. He seems quite confident, and I wouldn’t say that he has an interest in her personality- but I would say he has one thing on his mind. Never mind, she’s dancing her socks off. Just as I go for a third sip; I’m dragged out of the pool by four hands that crush me into the ground a little. My face smudged off the pathway, and dirt being shovelled by my perfect shaped nails.

Four hands around my body; several fingertips digging into my skin. I’m left wondering whether I should have gotten that tan after all. Scribbles on their skin, I even see a naked buttock that looks right back at me as my right eye flickers under the bright lights. A sight to behold as another man pulls down his swimming trunks. It’s gone before I know it as another guy leans into him pushing him into the pool. Laughter is all around me, and I’m wishing that I never entered this party atmosphere to begin with. Venus crashed here, and I crashed here as I didn’t feel safe at my own home planet. Oops, I mean my own house. Almost forgot that we lived under rooftops. Once you take Venus out of orbit; she’s left going crazy with all the guys in the atmosphere. Floating by or not, I drift off into Space.

Hours have passed by at this point in time. I’m left wondering if I left my swimming kit there on purpose. My own bra and panties were left there by accident, right? I didn’t do that by purpose hoping I’d lure someone back to my own place. Right? Well, I don’t remember too much from that night. Maybe it’s better that I forget about it. Nobody remembers a Nobody. I’m complete, and that makes me even more worthless to the regulars. Nobody showed up at my house that night, and I don’t think I slept with anyone either. I just remember multiple hands latched onto my beautiful face. Well, a face only a true mother love. Problem is that I don’t even have a mother to call my own.

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