13 guys that broke me

Have you ever wondered how males take girls for advantage and not even care? Have you ever been used so many times you couldn't count or understand why? Did you ever loose people you didn't intend to loose for just telling the truth about them? Have you ever felt so empty and alone that the only way to keep yourself company is writing down your feelings on paper? This is my story, I hope you're prepared for an emotional ride.

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1. Jason

 

Living is hard, you waste 12 long years of your life dedicated to education and you try everything you can to get up the social status in school but that wouldn’t matter in ten years’ time or so, the next thing after school comes work, and there are dozens of jobs out there and thousands of people fighting for one.  The world’s population is increasing every second. Crime is increasing as so is terrorism and the people who live normal lives seem to have it easy but end up having depression or anxiety, or even end up killing themselves because of how miserable their lives were. I don’t even know where I am exactly in this word and to be honest I think no one does even if their lives are successful. There’s always that part of ourselves where we feel alone and empty. What if one hundred years’ worth of living is just the exact right amount of life spam we actually need? Because I wouldn’t want to live for no longer at least seventy, because I’d kill myself if I end up old and disabled pretending to be happy for others that care about you. People seem to care more about you when you’re dead anyway. This is my short, long happy eighteen years of my life I’m about to tell you. Before I was murdered in a car crash, that is. You don’t understand how boring your life gets when you’re going nowhere. Skipping school, doing drugs, going out and having the time of your life was always what was on my mind every second of my life. I never even considered of finding love but I managed to find it in eighteen years, the last few months of living he came around. I don’t know how it all happened so fast but sometimes I wished the car accident never happened.

                I wasn’t really popular as a kid as such, I was ill for at least half of my childhood.  Had speech therapy till eleven and now my voice is either posh or American there’s no in-between. Ever since puberty hit in year ten I’ve managed to somehow get the wrong sort of attention in secondary school from guys and they think it’s perfectly acceptable to use me. Sometimes I do let myself get used though, but that’s because it makes me feel something- like I had a purpose. But I knew it wasn’t the good sort of attention but I was desperate to not feel empty and alone. I changed my style in year eleven and ended up wearing more revealing clothing so I can get attention. I knew it was wrong but I spent three of my years in secondary alone and bullied- the only way I knew was to fit in was to change my ways. It worked for a while until I met this guy, he was all I thought I ever wanted for a while. Even if it didn’t last long there were short times of happiness I had with him and I cannot forget the memories or him, no matter what I try. He was always there for me like I was there for him even if we weren’t on good terms with each other, but I wouldn’t count him as an ex. We just liked to explore ourselves with each other- yeah, we just loved to use each other continuously every time we met because we were incapable of committing to each other, or afraid of actually loving each other. I did love him, I think, because I wouldn’t have risked everything for him, I tried my best not to get attached but when I’m told not to do anything I do it anyway. One of my favourite memories with him was where I stayed at his one night, and he was lying on my stomach in between my legs with his fists softly clenched, slowly falling asleep on me as if he was a big old sensitive baby. But that’s what he was really. I loved him when he made me feel terrible and worthless about myself while he was talking about how beautiful these other girls were and that I was nothing compared to them in times we argued. We were both stubborn people and we wouldn’t stop arguing until either one of us hurt each other the most. There was a time I thought I could’ve got pregnant, because there were two positives, we took a few others and the rest turned out negative but he still accused me of lying about the pregnancy because of the two positives wasn’t enough proof for him to make me presume that I was.  He left after that. I was in bits, completely messed up and afraid of loving someone because of the way he treated me and how delusional I had been this whole time about loving him. I didn’t know what to do, I ended up ruining everything I could potentially have with someone because I had so much hope that he’d come back but god was I a fool. He didn’t understand what my feelings became like after that and the worst part is that he didn’t even care. I was still friends with some of his friends that he had, but every time I spoke to them I wondered what Jason would’ve said every time I spoke to them. Stop talking to her, she was a psycho, why do you want to be in contact with her still because she won’t leave me alone, and it’s pissing me off. I know that’s exactly what he’d say because he has said it multiple times before.  Though do you remember every time you tried to manipulate me into staying with you because you couldn’t bare the thought of me moving on to someone better than you? Well that didn’t really happen because I always thought you were going to be my first love and you were. But you were also my last, especially when I stopped feeling that emotion for a while after you left. I cried up on days and nights, listening to depressing music, making myself cry over you because of the memories you implanted in my brain wouldn’t go away or I couldn’t erase them because I loved them too much to let them go. Like the first time we met we went to the quay, it was pretty there, wasn’t it? I remember we brought cookies, energy drinks and those new chilli Doritos which I managed to eat the most because your taste buds were too sensitive for them to handle? I always thought mine were sensitive to spicy foods, but I suppose I was wrong.     I remember when we had our first kiss. We were sat on a swing, I was on top of you and it was so cold you tried to drape your coat around me as well as you even though i already had one on me. I could feel that you were cold when you slid your hands underneath my top, I shivered, not with excitement but you sent chills all over my body. But you started to go further to touch my breasts, didn’t you?  I let you because I was too scared to say no because I didn’t want you to leave me. You moved your head slightly and we chuckled a little awkwardly, you told me you were going to kiss my neck because you hated kissing people on the lips but you let me kiss you. It was wrong to do all of that on the first day but I loved the way you did things already, and you knew I did so you carried on, didn’t you? Even though you lost so much respect for me, but I could say you gave it to me also the second time we met. I could say I lost a lot respect for you but seeing as you stayed, and you know that no guy has stayed before so you knew that this was going to mean a lot to me. That was the first sign I was starting to get attached but you didn’t care about that as long as you were going to get the one thing you were in store for in the first place. You made it seem you care but every time we argued you said you didn’t, did you Jason? You told me I was pathetic, I know you still have the photos we took together even though I deleted them and I’m meant to be loving you more than you did. So why still keep them? Oh right, you’re just using them as a “wank bank material” when they were more special to me than that. What hurt the most in all of this is that I kept telling myself not to love you but when I told myself that I ended up loving you even more. I had no reason to love you. But you were there, so that was why I loved you. You pretended that you cared no matter how clingy and annoying I got you managed to tolerate me for all those long months when I was incapable of leaving you. Sometimes I wish you died somehow, because it would spare me of  having to actually leave you and no one else would’ve experienced what you put me through. You took a part of me where I was able to trust people, you took the optimistic side out of me and I haven’t been able to love again lately because of you. That’s no excuse for me to be sleeping around with people on the first time of meeting them at all but what you put me through for six whole months of my life was nothing but torture meaningless lies. Like the time where you said that you wouldn’t like it if I moved on to someone better than you, you were just trying to make me think that you cared for me still when all you wanted was just one thing and you were still hung up on that. Like I said, even when we were seeing each other I cried countless times till the point it felt like crying over you was normal for me. You were the first person to whom I’ve ever opened up to and not once did you judge me, but you did towards the end of our first unrequited love just so you can hurt me even more. I miss the good memories, and you know I will always love you, but you took that for granted, didn’t you? I was your mistake. It’s hard to even look at you in college and pretend that you’re some stranger to me, because before we ended up  here you meant the whole world to me and every time I saw you smile it just made me feel so warm inside. But you don’t seem to smile anymore, because you knew that my clinginess was only because of the fact I deeply cared about you and I was afraid to lose you because of how easily replaceable I am.  You stood up for me countless of times to other people even if we weren’t on good terms and it made me believe that we still had hope. You refused to take me as your girlfriend purely because I wasn’t your type but you still allowed yourself on me whenever you felt like it. Each time we were going to stop what we created you always seemed to have come back to me and in some ways I wish you were still here. I guess we can’t always get what we want in life but the fact I refered to those six months as a complete waste of time, which in away it was, at the same time it wasn’t. I cannot seem to get rid of your memories, and I constantly think about you all the time even when I don’t realise it Jason. We found something so real but it was out of our reach because we were too afraid to commit to each other. Everything must have had to come to an end though, because it would have gotten boring, right? No, you’re wrong Jason. I loved every second spent with you and I cherished it, no matter how many times you’ve manipulated me, used me, lied to me, or spoke to other girls, or made me cry, because when you didn’t do all of that you made me feel like the most  happiest girl in the world. You still refuse to delete some of those very special photos we took together but I don’t think it’s for the reason you told me it was for. It took so much strength in my to delete them myself but I knew it wasn’t going to help me move on because I’d just keep looking at them every single time I opened up my gallery. It took me ages to get back out there and even when I did I still couldn’t stop thinking about you and the way you did things, because they never did the things the way you did. I kept crying inside, screaming for you when I was with them. My heart was shattered, and it couldn’t have been fixed by anyone for a very long time.  I needed you so much,  but you didn’t care how I was feeling. You still don’t care now. It took so much in me to stop even bothering to message you because what good where that’ll get me? You just stopped caring. And I still seem to care no matter how many times I tell myself that I do not care about you. I have risked every little thing I had just to prove that I did and it still wasn’t enough.

                You’re the one that’s completely fine and I feel like a part of me has just died inside.  How does that make you feel? I know deep down you have some emotion, like you said. You’re not made of stone. So why are you acting like it?

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