2AM Thoughts

thoughts of an insomniac


12. New Year New Me Bullshit.

I’ve got a feeling this year is going to be better. Something is telling me that I’m going to love what’s left of it. And I want to. I want this year to be mine.


To learn.

To explore.

To wander.


And yeah, it may have started out bad. So bad I couldn’t get out of bed. So bad I couldn’t breathe for a few days. But I tell you, right now, there’s this new found confidence, and I’m not getting rid of it anytime soon.


Study, study study. And this time, let go of all the stresses you’re gripping so hard. Relax that clenched fist of yours. I’m gonna take this time to actually enjoy my subjects and get the best grades I can. These two years are for me. The subjects I chose. The subjects I love.


And then, let my heart sink with relief when I see the look on my mum’s face. There is nothing I wouldn’t do, to see her proud of me. To envelop me into one of those bone crushing hugs as she whispers repeatedly, “well done kid.”


This is the year I move on from holding back. I’m ready to let go of a past I’ve been chained to for too long.  And I’ll breathe the fresh air, and look forward to the future and what it’s got in store for me.


This is the year of appreciating everyone in my life. Of counting my blessings. And of remembering that death is for everyone.


And I’ll have my downs. I’m sure of it. There have already been days of refusing to get out of bed. Of becoming feverish as I let the tears fall and hate myself for all my ugly habits. Of just wanting to stand in the shower and scrub until I feel clean enough to be of company. But I won’t let that bother me. And I won’t let it stop me from enjoying this year.


I’ll be good to myself. I’ll push myself to work but allow fallbacks. Because I’m human. I’ll bite my tongue each time I feel like saying something bitter and venomous.

And I’ll smile. I’ll genuinely smile. I’ll stop being so attached to people and distance myself from them a little. So I don’t feel that burning sensation of jealously when I see something I want to have.

Read. And I’m talking real books. With browning paper and distinct smells. Crackling pages, and pencil underlinings. Tips of pages bent over as I forget to remember the number or I’m just too lazy to find a bookmark.

Eat more fruit. Feel my face start to glow with health. Water. Water is a must. Let it refresh you as it’s coldness fills up your stomach. Feel it trickle from your throat downwards, coolly sliding. Go for walks. By yourself. Take the time to think of what you did that day, and was it worth it. Alone, so you don’t snap at anyone because you’re just really tired. Write. Stop holding back and write. Who cares if some pieces are just plain crap and others are one big emotional mess? No one’s reading it but you.  And it’s giving you one thing. Relief.

I just hope to God this isn’t just one big ramble, that I’ll once again fail to put into practice, because I’m too tired, and I don’t have the time.  


I hope I’ll be able to make the time. And I hope this is realistic.


Because the last thing I need right now is a hopeless fantasy.  


I need it to be a breakthrough.


P.S: I failed.


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