2AM Thoughts

thoughts of an insomniac

6Likes
9Comments
1262Views
AA

1. 2AM Thoughts

With every promise you broke

and every lie you painted, 

I think you started to hack away at the innocent faith I had as a child.

Your strokes were hard,

uneven. 

Just layering on the paint thick.

With untruths.

Distortions.

Perjury and falsity.

All blending into ugly colours.

A murky brown.

A watery grey.

I will be brave,

was the mantra I chanted continously.

It swirled round in my mind, spinning in circles.

I will be the bigger person, 

the purer, 

the better.

And I will not let you break me

like you broke those promises.

But you did.

One word from you is all it takes. 

To make a mess of my life I’ve been slowly piecing back together.

A push.

Hard.

To the ground.

A blow to my chest. 

A feeling of tightness.

Overwhelms me.

Traps me.

And it’s personified as you. 

It’s always you. 

Get out of my head.

Get out of my thoughts.

Get out of my life. 

And suddenly I’m being strangled. 

Suffocated.

Compressed.

And it’s by the word WHY.

All these passing years, and it’s still lingering in the back of my mind.

We’re expired compatibility, that’s what.

Unfiltered tragedies.

Raw scratches from sharp nails.

Eleven years ago,

I stood there with clenched fists, as you walked away,

and didn’t even look back

to see my small hand wave a goodbye.

Five years ago,

your pathetic self hauled off to court.

Protesting,

pointing your finger as you shake your head and refuse to listen,

to pay up.

Three years, 

you say you’ve changed.

Let me see you, I need to see you.

But I don’t. I can’t. So you leave again.

You’re still not ready to finish what you started.

You’re under this illusion that all this time you’ve been the one just chasing.

But everyone’s an obstacle in your way.

And so I’m back to fixing myself.

Healing.

But it’s twice as hard.

Because I’m hit by a death.

I’m in pieces because it’s a loss I can’t bear.

And you didnt even care, ask me how I’m doing.

You want it to be about yourself,

It’s always about you.

You prioritise yourself before anyone else.

In your world,

you’re the victim.

In mine,

everyone is.

Two years ago,

you stopped trying altogether,

when you heard the truth you’ve been escaping from.

And it shocked you,

to hear it from your own daughter.

You’re so naive.

Thinking the past should be left behind.

Thinking you have nothing to explain for.

Maybe you don’t.

Maybe now I don’t need your half hearted excuses.

Maybe I’m okay.

Maybe I got closure without actively seeking it.

Is what my sane self whispers in a reassuring tone.

But there’s another side of me,

and it’s cursing you to lowest pit of hell.

It’s waiting to hear your cries,

your screams of agony,

as the flames kiss your chest

and leave a smoldering mark.

Permanent.

Their shadows are dancing in my eyes.

They’re lighting up my pupils.

Making me alive with burning resentment.

Voices. Plural.

They’re driving me insane.

Pull yourself together.

You can’t wish that.

Be the better person.

Keep going.

Push him over the edge the way he did to you.

Make him go crazy with the pain

of everything faltering,

everything going wrong.

I’m not crazy, I mutter to myself,

at the same time clutching at my head as it spins.

You’re just drunk. But I don’t drink.

Pain, my love. You’re drunk on pain.

It’s causing me to slur my words and stumble in my walk.

I’m fine, I snap at the hands who try to hold me upright.

I don’t need your help.

A stab at your heart

I’m sorry I’m so selfish.

I’m sorry I never appreciate you being there.

Here,

when he’s not.

I’m speechless.

Exhausted and quickly becoming fragments.

I’m a wreck.

A car accident.

Bits of metal remains and shards of glass stuck in you.

Making you never forget that I’m your burden.

That more sacrifices need to be made on your part.

And I’m just waiting for the day,

you turn around and tell me you can’t do it anymore.

That you have your own life.

Because I’ll feel better. And I’ll feel worse.

It’s funny how similar the words love and hate are.

They’re both thrown around easily,

few even know their true meanings.

We use them to define things we don’t really understand too well.

But I understand this.

Hate is out of my control.

And it’s taking over me.

It’s making me shake all over,

and stare you dead in the eye.

I’ve lost all my love for you.

I swear. I resent you.

I will never forgive you.

I want to burn you,

to the fucking ground.

And just dance around your remains.

I want to laugh at your pain,

push you further and further,

to the brink of INSANITY.

Watch your mind explode.

And only then, will you know how I’m feeling right now.

I’m done giving,

and giving and giving,

only to receive a half hearted goodbye.

I’m not some empty space you need, to fill your sad sad life.

So look somewhere else.

Because today I’m unstoppable.

And I’m ready to be on top of the world.

And I will destroy you if you even try,

to bring up memories you don’t even fully remember,

because you’re letting them flake away.

Of butterfly kisses and piggy backs.

Starbursts and pink panther.

Avocados and Yankees pizza.

Don’t tell me I’m your princess.

I’m no one’s princess.

I’m my own queen.

And a part of me hates myself for all this.

Because what I really want,

is to glow radiantly,

shine ominously,

become stars and atoms and something spectacular.

A bright spark of HOPE.

For myself, and for everyone around me.

I want to breathe out light

and let my touch calm you,

relax you.

My breath leave whisper trails of how much I wish I need you.

My soul attach itself to yours,

interwine,

become one,

ELECTRIC,

magnifying,

Until we combust into star dust

and scatter across the universe that’s next door.

I want to be a source of hope,

and light up my mum’s face each time she looks at me.

I want to be full of ACCEPTANCE.

Walk your mind to truly understand you,

and when I’m done,

nod and smile,

and say I’m fine.

I want to be fine.

To just massage myself back together.

To be LIGHT and free.

But I feel right now,

I’m just a GHOST treading water,

turning into wisps of smoke from the shot of a gun.

Placing my worth, in the hands of Others,

and just letting my self me torn apart repeatedly. 

I’m apologies after apologises.

Grappling with the concept of myself.

A blubbery grey.

A natural disaster,

and an incoherent mess.

Mishap after mishap.

Ivy vines spiraling downwards.

I’m heavy silence, a somber mood.

But all I want

is to be ripe cherries.

Fluffy clouds, and angel wings.

Gritty coffee and a supernova

filled with the energy of a zillion stars.

A goal worth anticipating.

I want to be the IGNITER of excitement.

Wander through people’s lives,

and leave them with their eyes brighter than they were before.

Exquisite. A profound new meaning.

A million connections.

Radiance and self love.

I want to SHINE.

I swear one day, I will shine.

Join MovellasFind out what all the buzz is about. Join now to start sharing your creativity and passion
Loading ...