Diary of A Soul

I write what I feel. These are what I feel, read it or not. I need to express. I may publish inconsistently.

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13. Entry 13

If I had the perfect life, my dad wouldn't have gotten back into drugs, and my mom wouldn't have had to kick him out when I was two because he was stealing from us and verbally abusing my mom and disappearing for days on end or cheating on my mom, and he wouldn't have tried to kill himself when I was four. I wouldn't have this reoccurring nightmare/memory of seeing him in the hospital bed hooked up to the machines... My mom, sister, and I wouldn't have had to move down here into my uncle's basement. I wouldn't have been tormented, bullied, and tortured my uncle's family for years (to this day even). I wouldn't have been bullied my entire school life mercilessly.... My best friend wouldn't have been so depressed that she tried to kill herself, my sister wouldn't have been bullied so badly because of her weight that she continuously tried to kill herself for months... I wouldn't have depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, suicidal tendencies, and potentially body dismorphic disorder... I wouldn't have had to grow up at the age of four to help my mom take care of my sister. I would've had a childhood. I wouldn't have been raped and then keep it a secret for years. My best friend and I wouldn't have been physically abused by her at the time boyfriend. I wouldn't have been emotionally, physically, and verbally abused by my ex-boyfriend. I wouldn't have had abusive relationships in the past that made me so depressed. I wouldn't cry myself to sleep almost every night because I'm fighting the fact that I want to kill myself everyday... I wouldn't be wanting to die writing this. I would actually sleep at night and not be tormented by my thoughts and my nightmares and my demons... I wouldn't be fat, and sad. I'd be skinny, and happy and pretty. I wouldn't have hideous scars all over my body. I wouldn't be running on empty everyday of my life. I definitely wouldn't be used by everyone around me. They'd actually care about me. In a perfect life, I'd be happy. Truly happy. But "a perfect life" doesn't exist, so I will keep giving and making everyone else around me happy and take care of everyone else.

 

~ Original Writing by Caitlyn Grace

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