Diary of A Soul

I write what I feel. These are what I feel, read it or not. I need to express. I may publish inconsistently.

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11. Entry 11

I am honestly so tired of feeling self-conscious... I want to feel confident with myself. I am constantly hating myself and putting myself down because I don't feel worth it. I am constantly skipping meals and counting calories because I want to "watch my weight." I hate it.

For example, all I've had was a chai latte K-cup and a stick of gum. A total of less than 65 calories. I am terrified to eat anything, and I am terrified of getting help.

I am starving. I haven't eaten in 20-almost-21 hours, yet I am too afraid to do anything about it. Every week, I go at least one day without eating. I end up convincing myself or getting convinced by a friend to eat.

People say smoking helps gets rid of the hunger, but it's not true. For me, at least. Instead my body gets tingly and shaky; and my mind gets a sudden, overwhelming rush of emptiness.

The emptiness starts about halfway through the cigarette and lasts until about 3-4 minutes after I finish the cigarette.

I'm also so tired of feeling nothing. I'm cutting again just to feel something.

When a friend found out I was smoking again, she said, "You know they kill you right?" I took another hit and said, "That's the point."

I haven't spoken to that friend in weeks...

I need to stop writing now because my hands are getting too shaky.

Original Writing By Caitlyn Grace

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