Diary of A Soul

I write what I feel. These are what I feel, read it or not. I need to express. I may publish inconsistently.

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1. Entry 1

Names Have Been Dashed Out For Privacy

 

Dear ----,

 

I doubt you're thinking about this or that you even have thought about this. You're probably thinking about her and what you're gonna do with her when you guys next hang out.

 

My point is, is that you hurt me. I get we weren't dating and we hadn't even been talking all that long. Only six days.

 

I know you're hurting about her, you guys only dated for less than half of a year, but you loved her. Love is a beautiful thing when it's with the right person. You call her a whore, whether or not she is, it was wrong of her to start dating him twenty minutes later.

 

I wasn't there for you, I'm sorry. I should've been. You were there for me, almost a year ago, you were my shoulder to cry on when I lost the love of my life at the time, you were my safety net. We didn't hang out much, only once over the summer and a few times at school. But you were always there for me to vent or to make me smile.

 

Yet, I'm the reason why you got your heart broken. You said it yourself, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been with her. Is that why you couldn't date me? Or even talk to me? Because you still resent me for that? I would. I would hate my guts.

 

Friday night, after I got home, after we kissed, I was in bed and we were texting, I was happy. I wasn't thinking about the consequences.

 

Saturday morning, at work, I was thinking to myself, there's a chance of this does go further, it could ruin our friendship. We hung out, I was nervous. Did you notice that? Did you realize how anxious I was? We kissed again, it made me happy, until that night, I couldn't sleep. Did I want to ruin our friendship, or did I want to keep it the way it was? I opened up to you that night, I told you I was afraid. I told you I didn't want either of us to get hurt.

 

Sunday, I didn't hang out with you, instead I spent three hours talking to my aunt about what I should do. We talked about pros and cons of staying friends and dating, why am I so confused, do I really want to date you.

 

Monday, did it start Sunday? Or was it on Monday? Because I noticed a change in how you were talking to me. When we hung out you spent most of it on your phone, when I took it jokingly you panicked. Monday morning, I had decided what I wanted to do. I wanted to take the risk. I wanted to open my heart back up after locking it tight with a key following that painful break up. I did open my heart. I was preparing myself to get into a relationship. I thought you had done so as well.

 

Tuesday, I had a field trip and I was nervous, you were distant but you were still there for me. You were probably distant because you had classes and I was on a bus listening to music for the majority of the way.

 

Wednesday, you were completely distant, you took a long time to respond to me when it always had been an instantaneous response from you previously. You left early too, you were gone for the day by 11:00, and that was the last I had heard from you until 5:00 or 6:00 that night.

 

Thursday morning, that fateful morning. Maybe if my sister hadn't been sick all night, maybe if I stayed in my car an extra five or ten minutes, maybe if I didn't go on your phone to mess with you. Maybe, just maybe, none of that would've happened, or at least, not in the way it did.

 

I wouldn't have seen what I had seen, I wouldn't have felt the happiness die inside, I wouldn't have felt tears form in my eyes, I wouldn't have felt anger brewing inside of me.

 

Maybe you shouldn't have acted the way you did. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten jealous. I mean, we weren't even dating, right? Maybe I shouldn't have trusted you. I know it didn't seem like that big of a deal.

 

But when I agreed to talk to you, I was trusting you to not break my fragile heart. Your friend tore it to shreds, you helped me put the pieces back together. But I guess that means you knew how to tear it up without making new pieces.

 

I guess this was essentially payback, or karma biting me in the ass. I'm the reason why you got your heart broken, you're the reason why I got my heart broken.

 

We agreed to remain friends, and I don't know if you feel it too, but I can't be friends with someone who hurt me. I can't trust you.

 

And to think all of this happened because of a few innocent kisses at a stupid bonfire in the rain on a Friday night.

 

How stupid, and how country.

 

Can you imagine that? Had we not gotten into a fight, had we still been talking, and had we eventually starting dating, and say we date for three years. Someone asks us how we started, and we say, it was a stupid bonfire on a rainy Friday night in redneck capital ------- county.

 

Did you know I was thinking about telling you on Thursday that I was willing to date you? I know that sounds horrible, it sounds like I'm making you into a charity case. You're not. But I told you for my sake I needed to wait. You reluctantly agreed, you knew what you wanted, or so you had thought.

 

I was going to tell you Thursday at lunch or after school that I was not going to make you wait until I was ready, if you already knew what you wanted and if you liked me enough.

 

I trusted you enough to believe you, of all people, would never hurt me in a million years. You were supposed to protect me, you were supposed to care for me, I was going to do the same. Boy, was I silly, wasn't I?

 

Even he said that I'm a good girl, and I will care for you. Is that not enough? He thought we'd make a great couple. Everyone thought so.

 

Even my mom, she thinks you're a great boy. How wrong was she? Don't get me wrong, you're a great person, but you hurt me, whether you realized it or not, so you're less of a great person. But you're still a great person.

 

I wouldn't change Friday night for the world. It was perfect we were listening to good music for the most part, and we gradually got closer and closer, both physically and with our lips.

 

When we kissed, each time, you closed your eyes, and you had passion behind each kiss. I noticed it, was that on purpose, or merely an accident?

 

On Monday when we hung out, were you talking to her? Were you thinking about her while you were kissing me? Did you imagine you were rubbing her legs, and not mine?

 

What was your motivation behind all of what happened ----? Why did you have to go and hurt me like that? Did you ever notice how bad you hurt me?

 

 

Original Writing by Caitlyn Grace

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